Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   New here :) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25610)

LostInCanada 07-15-2012 06:50 AM

New here :)
 
A little bit about me. I'm 22 and relocated about a year and a half ago to Canada to be with my boyfriend. Our relationship is great, but I've always been into bi guys and got lucky because my boyfriend is bi sexual. :) So since our relationship had been in the best place it's been since we got together, we decided to look for a guy for him to be with. And this is where my dilemma came in.

After months of looking, we found a guy. He's bi, cute, and we all get along great together. But he's too great and I have a crush on him now. I could see us all being together in a relationship. Him and my boyfriend flirt allot, and I've always wanted to be in a relationship with two men at the same time who are sexually involved with each other. I haven't told my boyfriend yet, but I know he suspects something is up. And that is my story for now.

CielDuMatin 07-15-2012 09:53 PM

Welcome to the forum!

So what is stopping you from telling him? What are your concerns?

LostInCanada 07-15-2012 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 143567)
Welcome to the forum!

So what is stopping you from telling him? What are your concerns?

Thanks. Well what is really stopping me is I'm scared of how he will respond since I know he is afraid that if he shares me, I'll leave him. And that is a fear that he's carried over from his last relationship. Also, I'm not sure if the other guy would even be interested. I mean we get along great and he's attracted to me it seems, but he might not be interested in being tied to both of us like that. Because ideally I'm interested in poly fidelity. So I'm treading carefully at this point.

kdt26417 07-18-2012 11:36 PM

Hello Lost,
Welcome to our forum.

Perhaps you could open up the conversation with your boyfriend by bits and pieces? I can see why you'd have some concerns, if he's carrying around some baggage from a past relationship.

I think it'd be awesome if the three of you were to form into a triad. Something to be hopeful for, for the future?

I'm glad you're with us, in any case.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Ivolution 07-19-2012 02:52 AM

Welcome LostInCanada! I'm new here too, this is actually my very first post. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostInCanada (Post 143574)
Thanks. Well what is really stopping me is I'm scared of how he will respond since I know he is afraid that if he shares me, I'll leave him. ... Also, I'm not sure if the other guy ... might not be interested in being tied to both of us like that. Because ideally I'm interested in poly fidelity. So I'm treading carefully at this point.

I'll just go right off and spew forth at length here, because I think I have a sense of where you're trying to go. Let me know if I'm way off. Here are some ideas on this.

It seems to me like none of this is going to go anywhere unless everybody first has clarity about what they want and what the others want. Aim for that first milestone right now.

It may feel like there's a lot at stake if you really want this. It's okay if you need time to build the courage to cross that bridge, and to make observations, or even to gently express ideas so that it all doesn't come as a shock when the big talk happens. Obviously, there are three creators in this situation, and they all count equally.

Giving up control is hard, but trust and co-creation are way preferable to trying to steer the ship. If you or anybody hopes that their own ideal version of the outcome is the only acceptable one, then you are probably heading for conflict and disappointment. You can't change others -- and they each have their own vision. When designing a relationship, you can't successfully make the need fulfillment of some less important than that of others.

It helps to realize that in design and negotiations there is a great difference between what you wish for, what you would like, and dealbreakers you must absolutely have. If you know up front what you're willing to give up (or are willing to re-examine it in a timely fashion) then you have the ability to accept an arrangement that works for all involved, but requires some compromise from you. This is a strength, because it helps avoid your planted foot becoming the reason the process fails. This is of course true for all three of you.

You don't have to compromise your dealbreakers. But give your ideal vision a long hard look (employ love and trust, not fear when doing this) and imagine how much of your vision is just wishes, or a way to design security for yourself because you don't know another way -- or aren't sure that you can really trust the others.

For example, you say you want polyfidelity. If that doesn't work for guy #2, which is likely at the start, how would you compromise that point and accept him having more sexual freedom, emotional freedom, or both? How does that look in practice and what reassurance will you still need to feel safe? How about guy #1? In fact, what problem are you trying to solve by expecting polyfidelity? Ask yourself such questions about the parts of your vision that you're afraid might cause friction. If that's hard to do yourself in advance, be welcoming of them being asked of you by the others.

You famously can't really design a multiple relationship before it starts, that fails every time. The "rules" always change anyway, and one likely scenario is that you turn off the new person from the start with too many expectations which they had no say in. So unless you're each superhuman at being flexible and just rolling with whatever may happen, you have to create the relationship together with lots of communication and respect for others' contributions. So it's best to all come to the table with self knowledge and a brave willingness to face directly what the other partners' wishes, likes and dealbreakers are.

It's okay if you don't all agree on everything. If at least you all agree that you would be interested in considering some kind of arrangement, you're on your way to a triad that might work. Getting it all out on the table is real, serious progress.

Ivolution 07-19-2012 02:54 AM

The truth is, I was excited to post something in the forum, so I got a little out of hand.

kdt26417 07-19-2012 08:51 PM

No problem Ivolution, I think that was a good post. :)

LostInCanada 07-20-2012 01:18 AM

Ivolution thanks for the thought out reply. The thing is though, I don't want them both for security. But I have alot of love inside me and know I'm able to love more than one person at a time, and it makes me happy. Now will that same vision make either my boyfriend or our new guy happy? I don't know. But I'm going to wade into the waters of all of this and hope that at some point we'll all be able to turn all of this into something that makes everyone happy.


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:50 PM.