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-   -   always in love (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25572)

janndemery 07-13-2012 08:13 AM

always in love
 
I am a 43 year old woman, been divorced 4 times and loved each one, now I am in a relationship with 2 men who I love dearly, they know of each other but not that I love them both and spend time with both, I find it easy because one works the night shift and one the day, I have time for both and when one leaves I actually cry, I don't want to ever have to say good bye to either of them, I find it intoxicating to be with both I feel they should look at the both of them moving in with me and letting me be me by loving them both, I have been doing it for some time and find it easy to make them both feel like they are special at all times, I just dont know what I would do if I had to loose one of my loves but am at a lose at going about telling them

km34 07-13-2012 08:24 AM

Welcome to the site!

There are a lot of stories around here about how people told their loved ones about polyamory. Some things you might find handy are the threads tagged "coming out" and the ones tagged "mono/poly" (assuming one or both men are mono).

I think one of the important things is just to try to be calm and understand that a freaking out period is pretty normal from people who expect monogamy and then find out their loved one is actually poly. If the guys know about each other, then it might not be as surprising to them as it is to others, but they still may need a significant amount of time to adjust to the idea.

I do wonder how they know about each other yet don't know that you spend time with the other? Is it just that they don't know how MUCH time you spend with the other or does one or both of them think that while you used to be seeing someone else, you are just with him now?

How long have you been with each one? Has it been long enough that you would consider cohabitation? I would definitely think that would need to wait and wouldn't be something you would bring up right of the bat. I mean, accepting your girlfriend is polyamorous and in love with another man as well as you is a huge step, trying to accept that she actually wants to move both of you in is something else altogether.

janndemery 07-13-2012 08:55 AM

well been with J for a little over a year and with R for 5 to 6 months, and yes they think that I was with someone else but now just with the one, J knows more and I have infact brought up to him why I just couldn't have the both of them living with me, I think I could talk to J about it but R is older and more old fashion, my family knows about the both of them my brother laughs about the whole thing thinking its all about a sexual nature, but in fact I truly love them both and sex is not a huge part, maybe with R more just because he really hasnt in 6 years and now loves to but he always asures me that he loves me for more than sex, he is the one that wants to marry me, but marriage to me is out of the question because where would that put J, I feel if I told R that I am still seeing J he would leave me altogether and that would break my heart

Emm 07-13-2012 09:08 AM

Does R think you're in an exclusive relationship with him?

janndemery 07-13-2012 09:14 AM

yes he does, but when he gets mad at me he will leave and go live in an extra room at his ex wifes house

Emm 07-13-2012 09:31 AM

Does that justify cheating on him?

Magdlyn 07-13-2012 12:07 PM

Living a double life must really suck. Obviously you're not cut out for monogamy. Married and divorced 4 times? I didn't have a term for my poly nature for a long time either. I'm 56 and was married for 30 years. Lived mono but had lots of crushes and desires for others. We separated in 08 and got divorced last year and now I am able to have the kind of love life that really suits me. But I live in Massachusetts near Boston where you find more open minded, alternative types.

It must be hard living in a small town where the mono mindset is the only paradigm you've got... Marriage, divorces, remarriage and cheating has been your life. Now you don't want to keep doing that. You're in a very tough place. :( Hugs,dear.

CielDuMatin 07-13-2012 02:33 PM

darn, didn't see you had posted twice - I answered in the intro thread...

km34 07-13-2012 03:29 PM

Why would you lead them to believe they're getting exclusivity when they're not? Especially when you were telling the truth originally.

I really don't know that you have a choice but to tell them and risk the consequences. You don't seem happy the way things are, and I don't blame you since I wouldn't be either. Right now you are cheating, and that is generally NOT a good way to enter a poly situation, but you can hope that the men really do care for you and can accept you the way you are. Be prepared to have to deal with some trust rebuilding with each of them, though.

CielDuMatin 07-13-2012 03:35 PM

I am going to take the liberty of copying and pasting my questions from your intro post here, so that we can keep the conversation in one place...

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 143352)
Welcome to the forum!

Many of us are from small towns where we can't be "out" about our lovestyles.

As I understand it, you are in two relationships where each partner has no knowledge of your relationship with the other, and they have an expectation with each of them that you are exclusive with them. This is making you uncomfortable, because you really dislike being dishonest. Have I summed that up ok or is there something I am missing?

To me, the big question is how long you have been in a relationship with each of them? How established is it? What commitments have you made to each other? I think that the answers to these questions will very much change your possible routes in the future.



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