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-   -   One Penis Policy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25537)

mercury 07-12-2012 02:49 AM

One Penis Policy
 
For men who are in poly relationships but are only comfortable with their wives or girlfriends seeing other women, how long do you think it generally takes them (the men) to get over their need for a one penis policy? Are there some men who will never be comfortable with it?

I've just noticed that a lot of poly couples have a situation where the wife/girlfriend is allowed to see other women but not men. But on this board, I see it more often that many of the women talk about their boyfriends (other than their husband). So it would seem that men do get to a point where they can let their wife or long-term girlfriend have a boyfriend and not just a girlfriend.

So generally how long does it take men to get to this point? And what usually allows them to shift over?

LovingRadiance 07-12-2012 03:01 AM

My experience is that they don't "get over it".

Either they deal with the reality that there is another man in the picture-or they don't.

Generally, the situations where a woman "gave in" to wait out the man-the relationship ended up dissolving. Because the guy never did get to that point.

Part of facing a fear and overcoming it-is facing it. That means if they are afraid of the consequences-they have to face it to ever move past it.
Letting them wait it out tends not to work.

it's like trying to learn to swim by avoiding water.

mercury 07-12-2012 03:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 143109)
My experience is that they don't "get over it".

Either they deal with the reality that there is another man in the picture-or they don't.

Generally, the situations where a woman "gave in" to wait out the man-the relationship ended up dissolving. Because the guy never did get to that point.

Part of facing a fear and overcoming it-is facing it. That means if they are afraid of the consequences-they have to face it to ever move past it.
Letting them wait it out tends not to work.

it's like trying to learn to swim by avoiding water.

Are you saying that if a woman keeps not having a boyfriend (only girlfriends) in order to keep her husband/primary boyfriend comfortable and unthreatened, she'll eventually resent it and leave?

SchrodingersCat 07-12-2012 05:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mercury (Post 143114)
Are you saying that if a woman keeps not having a boyfriend (only girlfriends) in order to keep her husband/primary boyfriend comfortable and unthreatened, she'll eventually resent it and leave?

It's a possibility, but of course depends on those involved. Some people like to explore bisexuality specifically, so they only want to venture out with same-sex partners as they've already found their opposite-sex partners. But others are primarily heterosexual, and my not find the satisfaction they're looking for in same-sex relationships.

If a woman is in a OPP marriage, and she's dating other men but not sleeping with them, most of those men will eventually lose interest for milkier cows. That may eventually cause her to become frustrated with the arrangement.

All of this can be compounded if the OPP is a double-standard, where the wife is expected to bring home other women for threesomes. Naturally that can upset the balance of things.

nycindie 07-12-2012 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mercury (Post 143106)
. . . men do get to a point where they can let their wife or long-term girlfriend. . .

Let them? Ugh, that just sounds awful!!

mercury 07-12-2012 06:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 143127)
Let them? Ugh, that just sounds awful!!

I know, that's my point. It's kinda messed up that men can't make more of an effort to deal with the idea of another man's penis being inside his woman's vagina.

It's just a penis...

mercury 07-12-2012 06:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 143125)
It's a possibility, but of course depends on those involved. Some people like to explore bisexuality specifically, so they only want to venture out with same-sex partners as they've already found their opposite-sex partners. But others are primarily heterosexual, and my not find the satisfaction they're looking for in same-sex relationships.

If a woman is in a OPP marriage, and she's dating other men but not sleeping with them, most of those men will eventually lose interest for milkier cows. That may eventually cause her to become frustrated with the arrangement.

All of this can be compounded if the OPP is a double-standard, where the wife is expected to bring home other women for threesomes. Naturally that can upset the balance of things.

The thing about bisexual women is that...even if she, the bisexual woman, has a primary partner who is male and is satisfied with him, and thus, she puts herself out there as "looking for women to date" (both because she'd like a woman and because it is less a jealousy issue for her primary male partner) there's no guarantee that some cool guy isn't gonna come along and attract her anyway.

She is, after all, attracted to both males and females. Attraction can't be controlled entirely. Sure, you can put on some dating site that you're "looking for women," but you are actually attracted to men too, and you might find yourself attracted to one in real life.

I know of a woman who is in this situation. She's bisexual and was looking for women (she already has a boyfriend), but...she by chance met another guy who she really connected with. Fortunately, her boyfriend said he was okay with it (although I don't know how it's played out because it is only just starting). I know quite well that someone saying "That's fine, date him/her" in the beginning is much different from how they sometimes freak out once you start having sex and an actual relationship with the secondary person.

But the point is, I think it's unfair for bisexual women to have to restrict themselves to only women just to soothe the primary male's ego. Sure, she may herself WANT a girlfriend and not so much another boyfriend. But there are probably plenty of bisexual women who do find themselves attracted to a guy other than the main boyfriend. What to do then? Not go for it just because of the OPP? I think it's kind of ridiculous.

nycindie 07-12-2012 06:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mercury (Post 143140)
I know, that's my point. It's kinda messed up that men can't make more of an effort to deal with the idea of another man's penis being inside his woman's vagina.

It's just a penis...

No, I was reacting to the word LET, as if it is really up to the guy. A woman is in charge of her own vagina, her own heart. Now, if she agrees to an OPP and really wants things that way, fine. But the man dictating what the woman can and cannot do... nuh-uh.

What an OPP also does is discounts the value of a woman's love for another woman. The guys are like, "it's okay, you can be with another chick, that's hot but won't really count 'cause it isn't like you'll really fall in love and leave me for her or anything." The perceived threat of another penis is based in fantasy/illusion, but so is the idea that another vagina cannot be just as much of a threat as a penis is.

Glitter 07-12-2012 06:15 AM

I actually never thought about that. Hubby and I agreed to let me date who I want, and he date who he wants. Just makes sense to us. Restricting ourselves because someone is fearful is just nurturing that fear. It may not be all that comfortable in the beginning, but the positives outweigh the negatives, so it works :)

mercury 07-12-2012 06:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glitter (Post 143146)
I actually never thought about that. Hubby and I agreed to let me date who I want, and he date who he wants. Just makes sense to us. Restricting ourselves because someone is fearful is just nurturing that fear. It may not be all that comfortable in the beginning, but the positives outweigh the negatives, so it works :)

That's impressive that you two are so free about it. That's how I think it should be. I like free love that's truly free love. If it's fake free love...ugh.

So how is it working out for you? I mean, you say that's your structure, but has it also manifested pretty easily as well? You're okay when he dates women and has serious interest and sex with them? And vice versa? Very little jealousy and drama?

What's strange is that I'm technically a mono person. But I think I could be poly easily. I really think I'm both. I think poly would be challenging, but I think I could do it a lot more easily than a lot of people who much more deeply and seriously claim it as an identity than I do.


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