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-   -   NRE Ruined My Sex Life... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25528)

IrisAwakened 07-11-2012 11:14 PM

NRE Ruined My Sex Life...
I have been poly for a year now, on my second extramarital relationship. We are running into the same issues that ended it for my last relationship. (Only this time I am on the other side of it, which is helpful for learning.) My question is this: How do you deal with NRE in your other partner? I am still feeling NRE for my beau, but he has fallen for another woman already. I love it, but he can't seem to focus on me when we are together. We have stopped having sex because he is so distracted by his thoughts of her (he has to tell her he is in love with her and fears her reaction). I am trying to be supportive of his stress, but I feel unsupported in mine. How is poly suppose to work if people only can focus on one person at a time?

Any insights would be great, as this issue is tearing us apart, it seems.

LovingRadiance 07-12-2012 12:17 AM

I don't see how it can work if people only focus on one person at a time.

NRE has been a nightmare for us with Maca.

Personally, my experience with NRE is that I distrust it-so it's almost always an automatic "put me on guard" if I feel that way. Which means I don't run ramshod through the 'OMG I LOVE THIS PERSON' behaviors that are so common during NRE.
I infact tend to focus MORE on my solid and dependable ALREADY THERE relationships when I feel that way.

But, as most people, Maca becomes overwhelmed by NRE and can't seem to remember the agreements made during NRE-he just knows he 'needs' whoever, every minute of every day.
But, that results in the whole thing blowing up in his face fast.

In my opinion, there is a learning curve to dealing with NRE and it starts with realizing that its just the bodies natural drugs exploding through your system, do DO NOT MAKE ANY FREAKING MAJOR DECISIONS based upon NRE. If NRE is happening, recommit yourself to the relationships you already have established-the natural moment will already ensure you pay enough attention to the new one-so focus on putting your attention on the ones you already have and maintaining them. Romance your current partners and go out of your way to love on them and rekindle the flame with them as you experience the rush.

Tonberry 07-12-2012 09:13 PM

NRE has never prevented me from focusing on another partner. You still spend time with others, and it seems to me it's not respectful to spend that time talking about how much you love or want someone else. I mean, mentioning it is one thing, but all the time? Enough that it distracts you from the person in front of you?
I think he needs to learn to push that aside and focus on you during your planned time together, snuggle you, have sex, everything as normal. If he can't do that, if he can only focus on one person at a time... it doesn't sound to me like he's poly.

IrisAwakened 07-12-2012 10:59 PM

Thank you guys, it really helps me to hear all that! I was thinking very much along those lines as well. This is his first poly relationship and the first person we are adding to ours (well, not quite yet, but possibly). I am communicating to him my needs, which he feels defensive of. Its an odd situation, and I am just going to ride it out and see where it goes.

To update: He told her he loves her and she is in a LDR with a long term bf, so she said, "You know I can't say anything back". Damn, how terrible of her to not just make up her mind! I can just see her leading him on for the rest of the summer then going back (shes here for an internship) to her bf and crushing his heart. Sigh, we shall wait and see.

Phy 07-13-2012 04:58 AM

As this is something I struggle with personally: She may be someone who doesn't easily say 'I love you'. And I think it is strange to expect the other person to answer instantly in the same fashion just because he said it first ... what kind of pressure! I wouldn't feel comfortable at all with this. (If it is because of her bf .. I would question her poly-ness in general, what does the bf have to do with this? Is she cheating on him?)

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