Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   fed up! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25505)

jones 07-11-2012 09:46 AM

fed up!
 
me and my oh are fighting again, we are in a relationship with another couple, the boy from the couple wants to slow things down.. work on the emotional side of our relationship so he can work out how he feels (which is great)

we all talked about slowing everything down and when my bf and our gf are together they will slow things down and not sleep together like me and the other bf.

my oh will do anything to make his relationship with our gf happy and dandy and will lie to do so, I am upset because he won't have sex with me but can with her, our gf said she would say she won't have sex with him but she knows what he is like and she has to do it so she can have a chat with him cos he is sex mad and its easier to get it over and done with. he will have sex with her but not me...am I not sexy enough, fun enough?

i wish we all could be happy at the same time!

jones 07-11-2012 09:55 AM

I have also text her and told her how I feel and she isn't texting back, I am so worried she is mad at me :(

Magdlyn 07-11-2012 10:40 AM

Hi, I also read your other thread. Triads and quads are so complicated, it can be super hard to negotiate everything and get everyone on the same page, emotionally, plus have everyone be sexually fulfilled.

It sounds like your fiance is in NRE with the gf and wants to have sex with her more than with you, for now at least. This is one of the tough things NRE (new relationship energy) can do to poly folk, which is a bad thing for the primary partner. I hope you can communicate this to your fiance and let him see loving polyamrously means everyone's needs are important and all partners should have needs taken care of.

Now, the bf, you say, is a swinger. He seems to be more sex-focused than love-focused. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't want to keep your quad closed. That's his right, of course, if those are his desires, you can't force a square peg into a round hole. It must hurt though!

Also, what is this about your fiance lying to the gf to get what he wants? That is a red flag.

jones 07-11-2012 11:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 142973)
Hi, I also read your other thread. Triads and quads are so complicated, it can be super hard to negotiate everything and get everyone on the same page, emotionally, plus have everyone be sexually fulfilled.

It sounds like your fiance is in NRE with the gf and wants to have sex with her more than with you, for now at least. This is one of the tough things NRE (new relationship energy) can do to poly folk, which is a bad thing for the primary partner. I hope you can communicate this to your fiance and let him see loving polyamrously means everyone's needs are important and all partners should have needs taken care of.

Now, the bf, you say, is a swinger. He seems to be more sex-focused than love-focused. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't want to keep your quad closed. That's his right, of course, if those are his desires, you can't force a square peg into a round hole. It must hurt though!

Also, what is this about your fiance lying to the gf to get what he wants? That is a red flag.



hi,

thanks for replying.

I have talked to my fiance till I am blue in the face and I am getting fed up of it now... he keeps saying if we can all be happy then it can be the best thing that has happened to us, the gf pushed the poly relationship with my oh help and the bf felt he was being pushed into and he wanted to slow things down.

my bf is a swinger yes, so am I and my oh but we have calmed down as we want to spend more time with our partners, yes my bf doesn't love me but he cares about me very much and I don't need him to love me if he can't and doesn't mean my love for him is going to go away but I am jealous my oh and our gf can say I love you and get I love you back.

my bf has lied about using a condom and risking getting her pregnant.. they both lied to the bf because bf said if he heard they had slept together without a condom they wouldn't have children. (the gf thought she may be pregnant and the first thing she said was what if my oh is the father) the bf flipped out of course and was questioning why she would say that.. I hate lying to him and I have no choice but my oh says it was six months ago and I have to stop bringing it up, maybe I do but it still hurts, they also lied about their love, my oh said he didn't love her and then he may love her but he hasn't told her but turns out he has loved her for months and has already told her and she said it back and she knew he didn't tell me and she told her bf that she was in love with three people (which at the time she said she was just in love with me) so she lied too.

I want to call it off and tell them they don't deserve each other but they will still text and when he goes out he will see her and its hard cos I love them all :(

Magdlyn 07-11-2012 11:40 AM

Ok, so you're all making the transition from swinging to being poly. I was going to ask why your "oh" thought it necessary to lie about being in love with the gf, but now it makes sense. Many swingers actively take steps to prevent loving their sexual playpartners. So when it happens, they do get thrown!

But in the poly world, lying, and lack of using barriers for sex (unless everyone has been tested and all agree to it), are 2 big no-no's! Lying about lack of condom use is the worst! Not just because of pregnancy risk, but for preventing diseases. Surely you all know this.

So, the bf has never been informed about that time your "oh" and gf went bareback? And since you say your oh lies a lot, are you sure he still *IS* using condoms with the gf everytime they have intercourse?

Been tested for STIs lately?

jones 07-11-2012 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 142984)
Ok, so you're all making the transition from swinging to being poly. I was going to ask why your "oh" thought it necessary to lie about being in love with the gf, but now it makes sense. Many swingers actively take steps to prevent loving their sexual playpartners. So when it happens, they do get thrown!

I do feel it is my fault, I wanted to be alone with my now bf because I prefer 1on1 and don't like seeing my oh and her together, they make me feel like I shouldn't be there and they lean over me to kiss and hold hands so I feel in the way and move and then I am told I am making a scene :( x

But in the poly world, lying, and lack of using barriers for sex (unless everyone has been tested and all agree to it), are 2 big no-no's! Lying about lack of condom use is the worst! Not just because of pregnancy risk, but for preventing diseases. Surely you all know this.

yes we all know this, the girl says she was stupid but she is glad she was stupid with my oh, she talked about getting pregnant by my oh and her bf wouldn't mind and she never thought about me minding but yes sti are more important than getting pregnant and me and oh have been tested and we are clean.

So, the bf has never been informed about that time your "oh" and gf went bareback? And since you say your oh lies a lot, are you sure he still *IS* using condoms with the gf everytime they have intercourse?

Been tested for STIs lately?

I will never truly know about this ^^^^^, I know when I am there when they have sex they use condoms....

AnnabelMore 07-11-2012 01:37 PM

Why are you planning to marry someone you don't believe you can trust?

jones 07-11-2012 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 142991)
Why are you planning to marry someone you don't believe you can trust?

I don't think this is a helpful question but right now my relationship is in tatters so i don't even know if this is happening with these problems

AnnabelMore 07-11-2012 02:06 PM

B
Quote:

Originally Posted by jones (Post 142993)
I don't think this is a helpful question but right now my relationship is in tatters so i don't even know if this is happening with these problems

I apologize, that was unnecessarily flippant and not what you were trying to ask about. It just seemed like an important question and I wanted to make sure you'd considered it. If I can think of any good advice I'll post it when I have more time.

jones 07-11-2012 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 142994)
B

I apologize, that was unnecessarily flippant and not what you were trying to ask about. It just seemed like an important question and I wanted to make sure you'd considered it. If I can think of any good advice I'll post it when I have more time.

that is ok and sorry if my message was rude, gf isn't talking to me, it isn't like her, I wish I kept my big mouth shut :-(

thanks xx


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:06 PM.