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lionessjlf 07-10-2012 06:54 PM

Hello Everyone
 
Hi there. I am new here and would like to introduce myself. I am 41, married, been with
my Hubby for 7 yrs he's 34. I have been poly for quite some time but he is very mono. We have been discussing adding a GF to our family for awhile now. He has always been mono and loyal so he was apprehensive at first to the idea of a GF. I am really excited that he has agreed to finding a LTR for him and possibly me as well. I have been wanting him to date other women and he says he's uncomfortable with trying to find someone who will fit in our lives. He wants me to seek out a potential LTR . I was wondering if anyone else has been through this type of thing. I don't want to push him. I am actually a little shocked that he is not more enthusiastic about finding us a LT GF.

ImaginaryIllusion 07-11-2012 12:38 AM

Welcome to the Forum.

NovemberRain 07-11-2012 03:25 AM

Hi, and welcome.

You might want to do some reading around here on mono/poly. There's tons of threads about it.

I'm a little confused as to why you would want him to have a new relationship if he's mono. If he really is mono, would you not worry about him switching his affections from you to a new person? I would.

There are threads of folks discussing feeling guilty about wanting other relationships, so they try to get their partners to have others. If he's okay with you seeking others, believe him. Not good to change his behaviour to assuage your guilt (if that's what it is).

Just some thoughts; and suggestion that you read around here, you will find similarities.

dingedheart 07-11-2012 09:23 AM

Hi and welcome,

You been poly for quite some time.......longer then 7 yrs. Have you had other relationships during your marriage ?

Why are you shocked at his reaction ?

lionessjlf 07-11-2012 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovemberRain (Post 142931)
Hi, and welcome.

You might want to do some reading around here on mono/poly. There's tons of threads about it.

I'm a little confused as to why you would want him to have a new relationship if he's mono. If he really is mono, would you not worry about him switching his affections from you to a new person? I would.

There are threads of folks discussing feeling guilty about wanting other relationships, so they try to get their partners to have others. If he's okay with you seeking others, believe him. Not good to change his behaviour to assuage your guilt (if that's what it is).

Just some thoughts; and suggestion that you read around here, you will find similarities.

Thank you, I will look around for those threads. I'm just not convinced he is really mono or just conditioned to be. I'm not seeing anyone right now so I'm not sure it's my guilt, but you have given me something to consider. Thanks again.

lionessjlf 07-11-2012 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 142969)
Hi and welcome,

You been poly for quite some time.......longer then 7 yrs. Have you had other relationships during your marriage ?

Why are you shocked at his reaction ?

I have not had GF since we have been married, no one I have been intimate with. My X and I were poly and I had a LTR that ended badly. She moved and cut off all contact when she got married.

I'm shocked I guess because we have had discussions about it over the years and he always seemed to be all for it. He is fine with me seeing another woman I just haven't found the ONE. I think he is struggling with who he is and who he thinks he's supposed to be. I am just greatful we have good communication.

dingedheart 07-12-2012 02:49 PM

so you got the proverbial 7 yr itch :D.

Do you have kids ...or does he?

Could his reluctance be related to the stories of your last experience?

CielDuMatin 07-12-2012 03:01 PM

I am someone who is involved in a mono/poly relationship and am in another poly/poly relationship (so yes, I'm the poly person! ;) ).

I think too often we fall into the trap of wanting our partner to want the same things we do - whether that's to make us feel better about the things we want, or just wanting to share the happiness - either way, it causes pressure.

I believe that part of a good relationship is accepting the other for who they are, while being there for them if and when they decide to grow or change some aspect of their lives. It's not our job to push, though, it has to come from them.

This can be especially hard with a mono/poly setup, because the driving factors for each can be very, very different.

Welcome to the forum!

lionessjlf 07-12-2012 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 143182)
so you got the proverbial 7 yr itch :D.

Do you have kids ...or does he?

Could his reluctance be related to the stories of your last experience?

7 yr tickle is more like it lol. We have 1 child together, a 4yr old boy. From our conversations I've gathered his reluctance is more about his personal "stuff" than mine. He has never even considered this lifestyle in the past as he has always assumed being mono was the "right" thing to do and I think he just needs time to process it all. I'm actually willing to let him take his time, as he is asking alot of questions and seems to be alot more interested. Maybe I should steer him here ;)

lionessjlf 07-12-2012 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 143185)
I am someone who is involved in a mono/poly relationship and am in another poly/poly relationship (so yes, I'm the poly person! ;) ).

I think too often we fall into the trap of wanting our partner to want the same things we do - whether that's to make us feel better about the things we want, or just wanting to share the happiness - either way, it causes pressure.

I believe that part of a good relationship is accepting the other for who they are, while being there for them if and when they decide to grow or change some aspect of their lives. It's not our job to push, though, it has to come from them.

This can be especially hard with a mono/poly setup, because the driving factors for each can be very, very different.

Welcome to the forum!

Yes, I have been doing alot of soul searching over those issues, I am just giving him time to process and answering any questions he might have.


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