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sulverna 07-10-2012 05:21 PM

Hi, I am bi-poly-noob looking for advice
 
Hi,
I joined because this forum because looks like a safe place to talk about my situation.
I am a bi-sexual woman and married. I came out to my husband several years ago and he has been very understanding and supportive. Soon after I first came out we jumped in to a poly relationship with a women who was also bi. Things went too fast, there was no rules, we were young dumb and emotionally unprepared for it. The relationship ended badly and I was mostly to blame.

The experience left my husband and I more cautious and it took us years to build the confidence to try again. After a few false starts and a lot of talking we are trying again. We found someone that we are going to try and date...not just a "play partner" but some one we really want to try and get to know...to build a relationship with before we head for the bedroom.
I am so nervous and giddy...I find myself craving this woman's approval. This is a first for me. She is the first woman that I don't have to fear trying to steal my husband. (an issue that I have dealt with more than once).

As I mentioned above my husband and I are going to try and date her...our first date is in two weeks...I know she has been in the poly-community for a while and I wonder if she is reading between the lines or should I be more direct with my intentions...I don't want to be too bold and scare her off.

I could really use some advice from someone more experienced in these matters.

dingedheart 07-10-2012 08:00 PM

Hi and welcome,

Is it a deal breaker if she not interested in both of you? Why not let the first date ...or two happen then see how it goes. Lower everyones expectations a little.


There are plenty of people here with similar experiences. In fact I think sexypixie and her husband started out the same way. She or they could be a good resource for you.

sulverna 07-10-2012 09:04 PM

Unfortunately it is a deal breaker...The rules me and my hubby worked was it must be both or none ...it must be equal... to help us avoid jealousy issues.

and I agree it is best to wait and see how the date goes...its..I just am so nervous about the date. It a casual dinner and a movie (the new batman) thing...My thought was the more casual the better.

km34 07-10-2012 10:20 PM

Have you and your husband discussed what you would do if the woman is MORE into one of you than the other? I understand you'll only date together, but what if she likes your husband but REALLY likes you? Or likes you but REALLY likes your husband? You can't make someone have feelings of equal intensity for both of you. Is it okay if she develops stronger feelings for one of you as long as she also cares for the other?

Also.. Are you going to have a few dates just you and her and just him and her later on after you've gotten to know each other a bit? I think dating a couple would be an interesting experience (probably never going to happen since I'm married and most couples want a single woman), but I would want to have alone time with each of them at some point.

Anyway... I think being more direct is probably a good idea, depending on what you're thinking. What are you saying that you are wondering if she is reading between the lines? Is it something about intentions of how the hopeful relationship will be? The dating process? It's better to leave no question about those kinds of things. If it is about how awesome you think she is so far and how you think you'll be together forever... Vague is probably okay and even better so that she doesn't think you're jumping too fast. :D

sulverna 07-11-2012 04:19 PM

Those are really good questions. I sat my hubby down last night and we talked about it. we decided the best thing would be to tell her up front what we are looking for. We are also realistic of human nature and realize that it is very likely she may develop a preference to one of us and when that happens the best coarse of action would be to have a sit down and possibly renegotiate the rules.

As for reading between the lines what I meant was that given her association with the local poly crowd has she already guessed our intent? I suppose I should add that we (the 3 of us) made out a little bit at a 4th of July party. We ran in to her at a picnic a few days latter and that is when we invited her on the date. We have known her as an acquaintance / casual friend for a few years prior to this development.

sulverna 07-11-2012 04:25 PM

Those are really good questions. I sat my hubby down last night and we talked about it. we decided the best thing would be to tell her up front what we are looking for. We are also realistic of human nature and realize that it is very likely she may develop a preference to one of us and when that happens the best coarse of action would be to have a sit down and possibly renegotiate the rules.

As for reading between the lines what I meant was that given her association with the local poly crowd has she already guessed our intent? I suppose I should add that we (the 3 of us) made out a little bit at a 4th of July party. We ran in to her at a picnic a few days latter and that is when we invited her on the date. We have known her as an acquaintance / casual friend for a few years prior to this development.

CielDuMatin 07-12-2012 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sulverna (Post 143014)
Those are really good questions. I sat my hubby down last night and we talked about it. we decided the best thing would be to tell her up front what we are looking for. We are also realistic of human nature and realize that it is very likely she may develop a preference to one of us and when that happens the best coarse of action would be to have a sit down and possibly renegotiate the rules.

Renegotiate in what way? I think that something like this is really valuable to think about ahead of time, because you really don't want to get yourself into a situation where one or more of you are emotionally invested in this, along with possibly raging NRE, and then are trying to talk about these things. NRE can be a massive insecurity trigger for the other person, and that is absolutely not the best time to discuss things calmly. Most folks make mistakes and then have the discussion afterwards, once things have calmed down. Since you can see the possibility for this coming, you might want to have this discussion before someone gets hurt.

As for reading between the lines, etc, I suggest you take things slowly, with low expectations - if this is going to be the start of a long-term romantic relationship, what's the rush? Is anyone terminally ill? Take your time, go carefully, and enjoy the journey....

LovingRadiance 07-12-2012 07:24 PM

I say-be upfront and honest with her-because if she is experienced in poly-she's going to expect upfront and honest.

Also-I agree that you need to really consider what you mean by renegotiate-because the reality is that it's a HIGH probability that you are going to find that there is more connection with one of you than the other. That's just probability and statistics-numbers reality.

sulverna 07-12-2012 08:21 PM

The renegotiation ...how do I begin to describe this conversation me and hubby had? We talked about the many 'what ifs' revolving around her developing a preference and what we thought would be the best solution to those 'what ifs'.

As long as she is not trying to actively replace a primary we are willing to work with her needs / wants. And yes hubby and I have talked about the fact that it may mean she could eventually end up as a secondary to one of us, and If that happens the only fair thing to do is allow the left out partner the freedom to find a secondary of their own. It is a little scary thinking about it but we are realistic that it may happen and we have preemptively laid out rules for that potential situation.

But who knows she may not be interested in anything more than friendship and I am ok with that too... I can't jump too far head of things.. I got to see how this date goes first....but still its good to have a plan a, b and even c.

Oh and thank you all for giving me things to think about...I have read Ethical Slut a few times but a book does't prepare you for everything.

CielDuMatin 07-12-2012 10:05 PM

I think that any self-respecting poly person would have replacing the primary about the furthest from their thought processes. So as long as the person is really up-to-speed with poly then you shouldn't have to deal with at contingency. If she DOES, then you need to end it, because that WILL all end in tears.

Respect for the other relationships is absolutely key making poly work - and that goes all ways.

The trick is not to make the person feel like second-best (because let's face it, what self-respecting person would want that?) - it's not a ranking game or a competition, it should be about love. Allowing the love to grow naturally, without proscribed paths, actions and limits, is going to make people feel at their most comfortable.

That's not to say that everyone involved can't have boundaries of acceptable behaviour, and there have been many threads on here about negotiating those, but at least the ability to let the heart roam free is a very good feeling for everyone.

It really does sound like you are approaching this by communicating well - there are always going to be rough moments and fears, but it sounds like you are building (or have built) a framework for working them through.


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