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-   -   Threesome gone wrong (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25483)

mostlyclueless 07-10-2012 11:45 AM

Threesome gone wrong
 
Great date ends in threesome. After a while I am not really enjoying it and feeling ready to wrap it up. The other people keep going at it. No one has made me come, my primary is trying to give the other girl a second orgasm -- he has never made me come more than once, or even tried. I feel so stupid for caring so much about something so petty. After a few subtler attempts, I had to ask them to just stop. I couldn't handle it.

After the other person left I had a huge fight with my partner, I was so angry with him, and he was angry with me.

I am so embarrassed and feel so guilty. I took 2 sleeping pills and haven't really slept. Please someone tell me how I fix this. What should I do.

sparklepop 07-10-2012 11:53 AM

Eeeh.... threesomes always sound good in theory but they can be tricky. Often, one person gets more attention than another and it can be the case that this person is often the one who is the newest addition.

It could be that your boyfriend is not as interested in you sexually, that he doesn't care if you have an orgasm or not, that he is really interested in this other girl. That's where your fear obviously took you in the moment.

Or it could be all manner of other things. Your boyfriend could feel incompetent at making you come and has stopped trying. He could have thought it was turning you on to watch the two of them. He could have been simply trying to 'perform', give this other girl a good time whilst not realising he was causing a reaction in you.

Someone on here (GalaGirl) gave me a great analogy about poly. She said it's like a water bed. You're comfy enough and then someone adds extra people to the bed. It bobbles about and people become uncomfortable. If the water bed is already wobbly, it's not a good idea to add extra people to it at that time.

If you have some sexual issues to work out... it's not always the best idea to add an extra person to the mix. If you feel sexually unfulfilled or neglected, you have to address those issues. Like anything in life, it's safer and better to be in good solid place before you shake things up.

Talk to your boyfriend... tell him why you had the response... don't accuse him or shout at him... try to talk it through calmly.

It's not ideal that you asked them to stop... but emotions happen. Sometimes we just cannot bear to stay in a situation. It would have been better to remove yourself, rather than asking them to stop, but we all make split decisions in the moment.

Take some deep breaths... think about the underlying issues... and communicate with your boyfriend... once you understand each other, look at practical ways you can work better in the future. Agree on whether or not it's ok to stop a threesome in the middle of it and how either of you could best go about it if you need to step away.

Magdlyn 07-10-2012 01:31 PM

Funny! I was thinking about starting a thread with a similar premise, entitled "How in the hell do you do triads?" Think I'll just glom onto this one instead.

Background, I am a cis-gendered woman, genderqueer though, in a relationship with a transwoman, miss pixi. We've been together 3 1/2 years, deeply in love. I've been dating men since she and I met, but no one really worked out until January of this year, when I met The Ginger. He is a cis-gendered male, but IDs as genderqueer like me. We are all pansexual.

Turns out, miss pixi and Ginger are attracted to each other, liking the same qualities in each other that I like in both. miss p and I have dated separately since we met, she's had 2 bfs in the past 3 yrs but isn't seeing anyone else right now.

Her sex drive comes and goes, but Ginger is a horndog, like me. He expressed being open to sex with miss p, in a 3some configuration, because he likes feeling "overwhelmed" during sex. Plus, he just likes her a lot and thinks she's adorable.

So, we've had 3some sex twice in the past month or so. I agreed to it with trepidation because my attempts at 3 or 4somes in the past have not worked out well.

So, the first time went quite well. Last Friday it happened again. miss p was at my place, and Ginger was coming over. She was nervous beforehand, since she was feeling "pressured" to have sex with him/us. I assured her I wasn't highly motivated to do it either. Relax. It could end up we all just snuggle on the couch and watch a movie.

So, he came over around 3 and we all went for a swim at a local lake. When we got home, Ginger and I went to the guest room and had sex, while miss p went to change, and ended up taking an hour nap. After all that, we ate dinner.

Then, some cuddling on the couch together. I was up and down, finishing up kitchen cleanup. I looked over from the kitchen area to the living area in the great room and to my surprise, those two were making out madly.

I was pretty satisfied from my session with Ginger, but interested in joining in. So, I lit a candle and some incense to increase the romantic feeling, for my own benefit. Went over to the couch but they both ignored me. Ginger had slid to his knees in front of her. I got behind him and kinda rubbed on him, touched his ass etc. Didnt get an acknowledgment.

So I got up on the couch next to miss p. They kept on doing their thing. She looked at me and smiled, but Ginger was busy doing stuff to her. Finally miss p and I started kissing and Ginger noticed and seemed to enjoy the sight.

So, he got in 69 position over us and that was fun. I finally got some direct sexual stimulation. but the position was awkward on the couch and so I suggested moving to the bed, thinking there would be room for 3way sex play there.

However when we got in bed, Ginger went back to paying attention only to miss p, and I was kind of off to the sidelines once again. Finally I stroked her and made her cum. Then Ginger seemed done as well (he didnt cum, but he isnt orgasm focused). She was in the middle and we cuddled, but I was turned on, hadn't cum yet (and I am a multi/mega orgasmic woman...) I had to ASK Ginger to get me off. He said, "But then I have to stop looking into someone's eyes." Her eyes.

But he complied and I had my spasms.

So, after that he was ready for bed. I spent the night w miss p and he slept in the guest room. In the morning I went in to him and we had a nice session.

tbc

Magdlyn 07-10-2012 01:44 PM

So... in the 5 days since, we've been processing what went on. Ginger admitted he purposely focused on her, as he wanted to emotionally bond with her. I am naive about 3way sex. I had thought the point was to have all 3 people be simultaneously stimulated the majority of the time, but both times we've done this, I've been more in the cheerleader category, and those 2, new to each other, have been the more active ones getting most of the goodies.

This has really thrown me... miss p has been in triads 5 times before, and often was more of a witness to the other 2 having sex, not actively involved, so to her, what I went through is perfectly ok and normal. She can sit on the sidelines, watch, or wander off, and only feel compersion, with no full arousal coming from watching, no desire to join in or masturbate or anything.

But she's not as sexual as me.

Both my lovers have been willing to fully discuss this with me, my upset, my envy, my lack of sexual satisfaction. I know both their hearts were in the right place. However they are go with the flow kinds of people. I wasn't "in the flow" that night, just confused why Ginger was focusing on her, and not understanding that was his purpose, to grow their emotional bond. He hadn't given me any headsup beforehand that he was going to do that. I guess it just felt right to him at the time. It sure didn't feel right to me!

Ugh, I'm so confused and feel so out of control. Ginger thought I'd be OK with it all, since we had just had sex an hour or 2 earlier, and knowing we'd probably have one on one sex the following morning before we left. As we did.

3ways are so freekin complicated! I don't know why some people actively WANT and SEEK 3somes in their poly lives. Dating separately is so much easier! I'm sure we will work all this out, but it's fucking WORK!

AnnabelMore 07-10-2012 03:02 PM

As far as I'm concerned, and I've participated in quite a few threesomes, you wouldn't ignore your partner during sex in favor of masturbating unless they were clearly into watching you masturbate -- that would just be rude -- and, similarly, you shouldn't let anyone feel left out and on the sidelines during threesome sex unless they have chosen to step back for a bit and/or are clearly excited about watching.

Over time, you may gain a sense of familiarity and ease with two other people where things can be a little unbalanced one session because, it's cool, they paid a lot of attention to you last session and who's keeping track? But it takes a while to get there. For the first several times especially, each partner needs to work to actively include the others. This does, in fact, take more awareness and thought than some people may be used to expending when they're busy getting down, so I'm not surprised that some folks get it wrong at first. But if they're not working to include everyone they ARE wrong, in that the person being ignored ends up feeling bad AND the person being focused on will probably end up feeling bad too since no one wants their pleasure to come at another's expense.

There is very much a time for intense, bonding, stare-into-your-eyes, give you all the orgasms in the world, feeling like no one exists but you and me, dyad-focused sex and, hey, guess what, it's when it's just the two of you. That's why it's so foolish, imho, when people think they can form authentic, lasting sexual/romantic relationships without ever having *any* dyad time. A triad is three dyads PLUS the triad.

To the OP, your husband's mistake was just that, a mistake born of ignorance of how these things work. I'm sure it was in no way meant as a slight, but he needs to recognize why his actions were hurtful. And why on earth is he mad at you, because you asked them to stop? If so, that is just selfishness, you have nothing to feel guilty for as you were just as much a participant as them in that sexual encounter and, therefore, if you need it to end it ends. End of story.

BrigidsDaughter 07-10-2012 03:46 PM

Mags - I think part of the issue in your situation was that they weren't looking for it to be a threesome when you decided you wanted to join in. You saw them getting physical and turned on the mood enhancers for your own benefit and started trying to vie for attention. I'm sure that the first threesome went better because it was something you all started doing at the beginning.

Personally, I love threesomes with my guys, but it doesn't always work out as planned. Especially when they aren't planned or discussed by all three of you. And yes, we occasionally fall into that trap of not talking about it, each of us with different expectations of what will happen that night. Runic Wolf is a voyeur, but as I've aged, my exhibitionist self has been less and less present, so occasionally, I feel uncomfortable that he is just watching and not joining in. Whereas, I am sure, in his mind he is participating.

MostlyClueless - We can't always know what our reactions will be before they happen. Don't feel guilty for your feelings. Own them, work through them, figure out what it was that triggered them, and talk with your partner about it. Either he will understand or he won't at first, he may need time of his own to think through it and come to a deeper understanding of what you experienced. You and he may have different expectations of what a threesome entails. I tend to be in the center of attention during threesomes with my guys, but when I've been in threesome with my husband and another woman, I try to make sure that he or she share the majority of the attention b/c I already get that feeling elsewhere.

ThatGirlInGray 07-10-2012 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter (Post 142852)
Mags - I think part of the issue in your situation was that they weren't looking for it to be a threesome when you decided you wanted to join in. You saw them getting physical and turned on the mood enhancers for your own benefit and started trying to vie for attention. I'm sure that the first threesome went better because it was something you all started doing at the beginning.

That may be, but they were all at MAGS' house. His idea to focus on miss p was poorly timed and basically rude. And not communicating the idea at all with Mags was inconsiderate at best.

Also, even if he had checked with Mags and received her go-ahead to have time with miss p in her house without her involved, if you're not planning on including someone, DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF THEM!

Would you make out in front of friends at a dinner party? Well, maybe you would, but I wouldn't, I think it's awkward to do that around people you aren't planning on including. And in front of someone you're BOTH in a relationship with, how did Ginger think Mags wouldn't expect to be included??

Again, the monster that is communication rears its head. And basic manners. Ginger dropped the ball, imo, no matter how benign his intentions.

ThatGirlInGray 07-10-2012 04:26 PM

And to mostlyclueless, I second this:
Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 142850)
he needs to recognize why his actions were hurtful. And why on earth is he mad at you, because you asked them to stop? If so, that is just selfishness, you have nothing to feel guilty for as you were just as much a participant as them in that sexual encounter and, therefore, if you need it to end it ends. End of story.


BrigidsDaughter 07-10-2012 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 142853)

Would you make out in front of friends at a dinner party? Well, maybe you would, but I wouldn't, I think it's awkward to do that around people you aren't planning on including. And in front of someone you're BOTH in a relationship with, how did Ginger think Mags wouldn't expect to be included??

Honestly, in my situation, the only place I can make out with my boyfriend is at my house; the house I share with my husband. And yes, I do make out with my boyfriend with no intent for my husband to join in on occasion. Because I don't want every experience with my boyfriend to be a threesome and it has been 2 years since his family's living situation was one where he and I could engage each other physically at his place. Around our friends, I could see it being awkward, but a) Runic Wolf likes to watch and b) if he doesn't feel like watching, he will usually go spend some time in his office to give us a chance for things to go further.

mostlyclueless 07-10-2012 05:04 PM

Thanks, your replies have been really helpful so far.

It is really hard for me to balance asking for things I want (in this case, having the sex stop) vs. dealing with those feelings so my other partner(s) can do what they want (in this case, continuing the threesome). I am feeling a lot of guilt over not being able to just deal with it.


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