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-   -   Is this that jealousy thing that people talk about? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25475)

wanderingdaughter 07-10-2012 05:24 AM

Is this that jealousy thing that people talk about?
 
This is kind of an unusual story, but I haven't been in many monogamous relationships in my adult life. My husband and I have been together for about five years and have had an open relationship for most of that time. I can say honestly that I've never felt any jealousy about him being with other women. He's my husband and of course he likes me the best - I have no worries or fears.

I have just started seeing this guy, A. I really like A, and it's so much fun to be with someone new. He mentioned that he's also seeing my friend C. Awesome - C is great.
But tonight C texted me about being with A, and it made me feel terrible. I can't stop getting down on myself about how C's body is so much nicer than mine, and that I must seem boring in comparison to her with her cool, impressive job.

Why do I even care? I am already married! Even if A does think C is hotter and more interesting than I am, he's certainty entitled to - I'm more into my husband than I am into A. I've never really felt jealous before, and I hate that I'm wasting my time being unhappy. How do I get over it?

Anneintherain 07-10-2012 07:12 AM

I don't have a lot of advice, except for...when you are with A, do you enjoy being with him, and does he seem to enjoy your company? Unless you sit around thinking "Man my husband (or C or any other friend or interest) is so much more interesting than A" or "Sheesh I wish I was with _ because their body is better than A, and so I'm sitting here all disappointed wishing I was anywhere but..."

Well if you're not sitting around with that attitude, there's no reason to think he or anybody else you date is either. Just remind yourself you're being foolish, maybe that will help ;)

sparklepop 07-10-2012 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wanderingdaughter (Post 142806)
He's my husband and of course he likes me the best - I have no worries or fears.

I have just started seeing this guy, A.

Why do I even care? I am already married! Even if A does think C is hotter and more interesting than I am, he's certainty entitled to - I'm more into my husband than I am into A.

How do I get over it?

Haha.... I love this. It made me smile. Not in a sadistic way over your pain ;) But because I've literally just come away from an argument with my GF about the craziness of emotions.

And ohhh... yeah... that's insecurity alright! Welcome, welcome, to the insecurity pool... ;)

Emotions are a strange and fascinating phenomenon. They can pop up at the most random moments, over the most random things. In fact, they usually do.

Sometimes, if we're living life in a safe model, we don't get to face these challenges as quickly as we might think. For whatever reason (and it's great), you never had jealousy over your husband. Very likely because you have the trust there and feel like your 'his favourite' and that he's yours. Fewer challenges.

With new people, the trust isn't there and you don't really know how they see you. It's not so safe or predictable.

It sounds like you've got a good sane handle on it, for a start! And that's the baffling thing about emotion - your rational brain knows that you are being crazy; even unfair... but part of you has this little nagging feeling.

I think that what you're experiencing is a normal reaction to a new situation - it's a new flag that's going to help you deal with your underlying little insecurities.

The insecurity being how you compare to other women. I can't promise that you will become a completely evolved, emotional robot... but at least if you can understand why you feel the way you do, you won't beat yourself up for feeling it.

The best thing you can do is activities that make you feel good, things that boost your ego a bit while it passes, then when the moments arise, just try to let them pass, breathe through them... make fun of them if you can... they are just your demons trying to mess with you ;)


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