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-   -   Just my thoughts on poly, the few issues since coming out to my partner. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25459)

JynLove 07-09-2012 06:49 PM

Just my thoughts on poly, the few issues since coming out to my partner.
The first, and it's a big one, I have been asked "So what is my place in all of this?". They treat it as if the only options are fuckbuddy of friend. Some are okay with that, but the one I want I think feels like he would be second class. That just isn't true! I want to give my lovers equal place. Maybe not immediately, let a relationship blossom first, but in time. *sigh*

How about "I wish there was just a clone of you." Hello!!!!! I am right here!!! Why take a clone when you can have the original! Both C (my ex whom I still love and likely always will) and R (my new lover) told me that. Please! I have the capacity to take care of both of you the exact way I take care of my husband!

"I am not looking to hurt anyone, or be hurt." It's a risk of any relationship. None are perfect, and monogamy is not going to save you from hurt. Get over it, live in the moment not whatever doomsday future you are envisioning. We're all adults. And I will never intentionally hurt anyone.

I wasn't having a problem until now. Then I was told by R "Wherever this relationship goes, just be aware that if I meet another girl that isn't okay with it this will probably end, but we will still be friends."

Now see jealousy was not going to be an issue. But now that I know that I am second class so to speak, I am wary. Now I don't want girls to see him, or vice versa because they threaten my relationship with him. *sigh* but you know, it is what it is.

R did display some encouraging signs, so I am not writing it off yet.

Remarkably, NONE of the difficulties have been with my husband lol!

NovemberRain 07-10-2012 07:31 AM

One of them said to me (with all the earnestness he could muster), 'I can't give you what you need.'
I was all, 'wot do you think I need?' (and why don't you trust me to find it somewhere?)

You have a very useful point, about becoming 'second class,' as a trigger to jealousy.


ThatGirlInGray 07-10-2012 05:55 PM


Originally Posted by JynLove (Post 142759)
I have the capacity to take care of both of you the exact way I take care of my husband!

Everyone's local, then? TGIB has said the clone thing before, because then one of me could be in CA with my husband and kids and one could be with him in TX! And the clone and I would psychically sync up each night, or something, so we'd have memories of all the same experiences? I dunno. :p

TornHeart 07-10-2012 06:42 PM

Hi there!

Thing is, I understand where you and your loves are coming from. From your perspective, you try your best to give them all EQUAL love. All we can ever do as human beings is to TRY. But the reality of it is, when you are with 'A' then 'B' and 'C' can't be with you and therefore their needs aren't met. Which might be advisable for them to have others to date, also. Again, when you are with one of them, say 'B', then you have to give 'B' all your attention out of respect. This is probably why they have said something about wishing you had a clone, because they probably want you around a lot. Which is nice, but also presents dilemmas.

This dilemma is what I am trying to understand when it comes to polyamory. How can jealousy be avoided and eliminated. It is so much easier said than done.

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