Wondering thoughts of a unicorn!!!
I am new to all of this... I have never really bloged before but I am told that it will help to talk about things and that blogging in one way of doing it...So here I go on this new adventure
I am recently new to this who polyamory lifestyle thing... I have know for awhile now that I was not completely straight or completely gay either... At almost 30 I have a huge desire to not be completely alone for the rest of my life... I put up a profile on one (well a few) dating web sites and it was really not getting me anywhere... I had almost given up when I recieved a message one day from some one who informed me that her and her husband were looking for someone to date and they had read my profile and we intrigued... I had recived other messages from men/women asking me to join in with them sexually which I had always turned down the offer... After reading Beauty profile I decide to go for it and what could hurt by just talking to them... The adventure began from there... It started from messaging several times a day from the website that we met on... Then because I don't like to talk on the phone that was an issue for me but I gave in and gave them my number and we began talking for hours upon hours every night...
I ended up making the 2 1/2 hr trip to go see them the first time... Things went pretty good...When I first got there I did wonder to myself "What the hell did I get myself into" but I have learned not to judge a book by it color. And Im really glad that I didn't...Bear and I hit it off really well... He kind of took the rains on this visit and Beauty and I just kinda followed...
I have made several trips to see Bear and Beauty with in the last month...
I have become very fond of Beauty and am really liking the way our realationship is progressing... Im more nervous about the progress of Bear and mines realationship is progressing because right now it seems to not be going to well... When I was at their house visiting them last weekend Bear was in a very passive agressive mood...
I am aware that with my two partners will progress differently but somethings just scare me...lol
I am also trying to figure this all out due to this is the first time that I have found myself actually dating a married couple before...
Ok I must go for now...
Well things in my triad were going great...Because of some issues about where I lived I allowed my baby girl Pinky to stay with Beauty and Bear so I could finish my college summer classes where I lived and I wanted my dauther to be somewhere she was safe and I knew that she would be very well taken care of...I on the other hand was going to stay with a friend of mine that I have known for almost 4 yrs so I could finish classes and continue to work and save some money so that when I moved I could get Pinky and myself a place of our own...
That did not go as planned do to the fact that early this past wednesday morning my bestfriends son raped me while I was sleeping...I went straight to the ER afterwards sitting there all alone wanting to call Beauty but not really know what to say or what she would do or could do...the process took forever at the ER that day...I finally got ahold of Beauty after I had been examined and her and Bear told me that they thought it would be best if I just came to stay with them and I would have a safe place to stay...so after the ER visit and the police interagation...I went home and took a shower at my APT because I still technically had my own apt for a few more days...I went to work and got my check cashed it and filled the car up with gas and left...All I wanted was to see my baby Pinky and to hold her...
Through this all Beauty has been my ROCK...I want to just block all of this out of my memory and move on and pretend that nothing had ever happened but this is not the way this is working...I have had to tell Beauty many time that I'm not going to break so there for she will actually show affection to me like she did the days prior to the day of the rape.
Bear on the other hand is a whole nother story...He has been very stand offish and which I understand in many ways is normal but for me it sometimes feels like I am being precived as damaged goods... And yes I do understand the relaity of it all but for me it is very had because Bear and I had a very sexual relationship and it was like in an instance everything that our relationship had been is gone and it is somewhat hard for me to grasp...He has been very good with me though...He is very gentle with me (sometimes too gentle)
There is alot of things going on in my little world and the rape has just aplifyed many of those things...
Before the rape I was finally relizing that I belonged somewhere and was settling into my place in the realationship and now I dont know where my place is...I KNOW I still have one but having a really hard time defining it right now...
I must go for now I am becoming a little emotional and Im not the girly girly type that likes to cry or shed a tear and expecially not infrount of my lovers or my kid...I was trained for years never to cry...Never show weakness...
I really think I need alot of untraining on somethings...lol
I am so sorry you were raped. You did not deserve that. (It's obvious but not said enough to survivors.) I think you are very brave in going to the police and the hospital and in reaching out to your loved ones for support and care.
You are not damaged goods. You are strong and you will be fine. You are a fine momma to a daughter. People love you.
But you have been hurt. Your loved ones do not want to hurt you more or do anything that reminds you of the rape. So they may be more standoffish than you like. I think this may be especially difficult for men - another man hurt you and Bear likely does not want to bring up those painful memories. If you can, tell him you want him to touch you and tell him how and when you want to be touched. If you can't talk to him about this yet - that's ok. Let him know that. He will wait until you are from your and Beauty's descriptions of him.
Are you getting counseling? You will need to cry, if not in front of everyone, and you will need to remember in order to heal. This is a terrible thing to realize that remembering and talking about it is a way to heal. It is easier to do this with someone unconnected to your regular life. Do talk to Bear and Beauty but because they love you and are in your life, they may not be able to provide that valuable outside perspective. And they see you in great pain and want to 'fix' it and they cannot. You do not have to 'take care' of a professional counselor the way you may be tempted to do with Beauty and Bear, such as minimize your pain so they don't have to feel it with you. You can rage and shout and cry in ways that you may not be able to closer loved ones. I really encourage you to do this. Many women's centers, rape crisis centers, women's health centers, domestic violence shelters, and so on will be able to refer you to someone or have counseling themselves. One of your friends may know of someone. And if money is an issue - I remember my student days! - often there are sliding fee scale counseling options out there. Also, there are groups where women (and men) who have been raped can talk about with other survivors. It is often helpful to talk with people who have been through a similar experience.
It will take a while, perhaps a long while, and you will not be the same. But you will be fine and you will thrive.
I wish I knew what to do
WOW!!! Its been 3 weeks now since the rape...My realationship with Bear is going pretty good...We have had to have some real heart to hearts because do to the fact that I was raped there is still no sexual penetration from him towards me...Which in many ways I precieve that he is not really into me and that he doesnt want me sexually anymore...I know that my Bear loves me and that in his own way he is protecting me and that he wants me to not just be physically ready to have sex but he also wants to make sure that I am emotionally ready to have sex...We have agreed (or just Bear and Beauty really) that I have to wait a month and I have to get a whole round of STD test done before we go further into the sexual penetration mode...I would feel really bad if by chance I did give them anything...So as much as I dont like it I understand...
Right now I am having a hard time with Beauty...Everything on the surface seems to be just fine but below that I dont know anymore...Beauty is a beautiful woman...She is 5'8'' long flowing brown hair a cute little ass and cant forget the BOOOOBIES...lol...She is beautiful...Very fem and your typical girly girl type...I on the other hand I am what she calls baby butch...Im 5'2'' short reddish brown hair...I am not your typical girlly girl...and because of bad habits of the past my teeth are really messed up and I am missing quite a few of them...
I seem to wonder if beauty is really even attracted to me anymore or at all...After her and Bear had the conversation abount a month ago about Beauty being to rainbow happy she is not very affectioniate with me anymore...
Last night we were outside and I was telling her how beautiful/sexy I thought she was and she told me that she didnt feel it...and also told me that she was not even intrested in sex lately and she really didnt care if she got it or not and that she felt that her lebido (sp?) was gone...When we went to be Bear wanted to sleep in the middle of the bed (which is where I usually sleep)...I woke up to the two of them going at it...That is not what bothered me its the fact that it seems like when she is around Bear she is sexually aroused but when around me she is not...Thats what hurts...I try to kiss her or touch her and I feel as though she is just brushing me off...Right now Im really fucking hurt and not real sure how to handle this...
I said something to her a few weeks ago and she was very lovey dovey for a few days and then back to the same shit different day...Im lost for what to do...I really really like Beauty but I have no idea if the feeling is the same :(
Oh god. I am so sorry that you having been raped has seemingly changed their feelings towards you! Ow ow ow. Just when you need the reconnection and healing of consensual loving sex, they can't or won't provide it?
That just seems very cold and unfeeling and uncompassionate of them. If my gf was ever raped, and expressed desire for me afterwards, I would be more than happy to provide the loving yumminess!
How long have you known this couple? It sounds like you are seeing a side of them that is none too pleasant. My sympathies and heart goes out to you.
Are you pressing charges against your rapist? What is the attitude of your bff who is his mother??
WOW...I really shouldnt write on wednesdays...that is the day of the rape...
I know that Beauty and Bear are trying to do what they feel is in my best intrest...So I cant really place blame on this all on them...I have been an emotional rollercoaster for the last 3 weeks...
Magdlyn I have only known them for about 3 months...the poly lifestyle is new to all of us...Bear and Beauty have been married for 7 years now...So with in that seven years they haved learned how each other works as for me on the other hand I am just learning...
None of what has happened in the last 3 weeks was ever intended to happen and so we were all kind of thrown into a situation that we are all trying to make the best of...But as for me I feel like I am the outsider looking in some times and trying to figure out when I belong in all of this...
In my realationships in the past I was use to mental, physical, emotional abuse...And so that just became the norm for me...None of this is what I want in anytype of realationship ever again but once again going through the abuse that became my comfort zone...I am also use to being the one who takes care of everything and provides in the realationship and in the triaid that I am in now that is not my role that is Bears role...There is no abuse in this realationship really and for me that can be a hard thing to handle because I dont know how to funcution with out some kind of abuse...YES YES i know that any and all abuse is bad...But for me that has always been the norm so I am way out of my confort zone and I dont know how to act.
This morning was good I was planning on going to the store for something this morning and I started talking to Beauty and that lead to kissing...She said werent we suppose to go to the store to get stuff for breakfast and I replyed to her that I would rather have her for breakfast and then have what ever it was for lunch and then I finally got to make love to her and her to me...It was wonderful...
So today so far has been a very good day!!!!;):D:)
Schoolme, I am so sorry that this has happened to you. You are not damaged goods, and it was not your fault. I think Bear and Beauty have been trying to give you space to heal, without quite knowing how to go about doing that.
Yes I was fully aware of that Beauty was on here.
I am no longer involved with Beauty and Bear in a dating fashion anymore. :(
I believe that the lines of comunication fell apart somewhere awhile back and that eveyone including me quit talking about what we were really feeling and just let things go along and it all began to create awarkward feeling all around.
It didnt help matter when I started dating one of Beauty and Bear's mutual friends. What started out as an inisent adult night out away from everyone and everything with a friend turned into more. I never intended to bring (we will call him) OU Boy into things and to start an romantic relationship with him. But it happened. I was really scared how to present this to the triaid and I did not handle this very well. I know that.
When Bear first brought up the issue of me dating OU Boy he wasnt happy about the fact that things went the way they did but seemed ok with the issue. Said that he wanted me to be happy and if this made me happy then ok.
I ended up moving out of their house almost 2 weeks ago. I was very scared of moving. For one I really dont take change well. I have learned to adapt very well but I dont like change. And two I was really really scared because I knew that it would change the dynamic of the triaid realationship. Beauty knew that I was scared. I told her. I dont think she knew exactly why I was so scared but she knew that I was scared. She joked with me about the fact that I was just going to be moving like a mile away and it wasnt like I was moving across the world. Right now I feel as though I have moved across the world from her. She told me that we would still see each other all the time and that there would be dinners at her house and basically I took it as everything would be OK. Boy was I wrong!
Beauty and Bear helped me move that Wed. and that is the last day that either one of them has been at my house. OU Boy on the other hand comes to my house and spends time with me and the Spawn almost daily.
The Tues that school started I went over to their house to pick the Spawn up because we had set it up that on the days that I had class that the Spawn would ride the bus the their house. We ate dinner and then we did as we always did and went on the back porch to smoke. This is when the bomb was dropped from Bear on the that we were no longer dating but we could still be really really good friends that just dont have sex. He said that it was because that he just didnt date his friends girlfriends. And then there was also the fact that he mentioned that he thought that I need more out of my realationship than what him or Beauty was giving me. I sat there dumbfounded. I didnt know what to say. I just felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest and the breath was being knocked out of me. Beauty didnt say much during the conversation. I loved Bear but I was honestly IN LOVE with Beauty. During the time before dinner Beauty never said anything to me about what was going to be said after dinner. She kissed me like we had done so many times before. Then when Bear ended the realationship she said nothing.
It has been about a week since the conversation. I have made several attempts to hang out with Beauty or talk to her online or something and havent gotten anywhere on my attemts to try to make an awkward situation any better.
I also learn today when the real truth came out about the other reasons why the relationship has ended and Im hurt even more because instead of just saying this isnt working for us the blame was placed on someone and something else (which I am aware is a contributing factor but not the only factor). But like I said in the begaining of all of this the lines of comnication have been broken for sometime now.
Right now Im hurt and I feel that my feeling on this realationship dont matter and that the choice was made about ending all of this by the two of them and my imput was not needed or taken into account and that it doesnt matter that I was hurt by any of this.
Dealling with the ups and downs
Well things are getting better. YEAH! I think after I came on here and truely admited how I felt I was really able to deal with what it was that I was really feeling and it has given me the strength to move on.
I never regret that things happen. I truely believe that things happen for a reason. I may not understand the reasonings behind it right now but I eventually will.
I think the awkwardness is almost gone between Beauty and Bear. Which is nice because I HATE awkwardness. Do I still feel very strongly for Beauty YES but I know that I must move on as she is also doing and I really dont want to lose her friendship over this.
Plus with school and work and OU Boy I dont have time to dwell on the what ifs and what could of been. I want to move forward.
Things with OU Boy are really hot and heavy right now and I know alot of that is the NRE but I like it and right now I am happy and that is what really truely matters. :)
I am glad you have found a new lover just for you and aren't having to deal with being the monkey in the middle with an established couple. Also glad you hopefully can maintain a healthy platonic relationship with them, with little to no hard feelings. You go, girl.
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