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-   -   If I Dont Open My Mind... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2541)

SimplyUnusualAimee 04-16-2010 09:15 AM

If I Dont Open My Mind...
I may lose him...

My boy friend Adam and I have been dating for a little over a month now. He told me before we started dating that he was into the whole dating/seeing other people when you're with someone. I told him I wasnt into that. I was raised "If he loves you, he needs to be with you and only you".

He told me today that he loves me, which was a complete shock because he's not the kind of guy to say it first. He said that he really needs this. There are just some things that I'm not capable of doing for him that he desires...

My first relationship, I was 15 and I was beaten and raped by my 19 year old boy friend. That went on for a whole year. He is now thankfully, in prison.

Adam told me that he's into physical pain for sexual pleasure. Again, I told him I wasnt into that because of my past. He said from the begingin that he wouldnt force me to do anything I wasnt comfortable doing.

Now he's come to me asking for a sub. We had a long talk about it and I said "If I say yes... you can't bring the person around me... I dont think I could handle the fact of seeing the girl your having sex that isnt me... I'm going to start second guessing everything about me. My looks, my weight, everything." He said, "I am with you because you are you. I dont care about how you do your hair or your makeup. Thats not why I'm with you. I love you, and care about you, I can actually see us going further in this relationship and I can't say that about any other girl I've ever been with."

So now I'm all stressed out... if I dont open my mind to this I'm going to lose him. I dont want that. He's very important to me. I mean, people (obviously considering the number of members on this site lol) do this all the time... so I guess I'm tryin to look for positives in this... and help me get over this doubt I may have about this.

Its mainly the sex... I dont care about him having a sub he can beat the hell out of to give her 'pleasure' (thats still bizzar to me, that people get pleasure out of that...). Its the sex... exuse my language... but his dick dont need to be in anyone else but me... :mad:

So.. please help... before I lose him... :(

GroundedSpirit 04-16-2010 01:05 PM

Hi Aimee,

Well, take a deep breath and try to disconnect emotionally.

You're caught on the same treadmill that so many people get caught on, so don't make more of it than necessary.

There's so many misconceptions about sexuality we are raised with in our culture that after awhile we begin to think of it as "normal" - whatever THAT is :)

But based on what you've written here so far, it's a PRIME example of one of the many ways that kind of thinking breaks down under analysis.

Sex has many aspects to it - all of them good as long as nobody is harmed and all consent. You've already seen that he is stimulated by the D/s aspect - you aren't. That's perfectly ok !

Your relationship (as he explained to you) is MORE than about sex ! As we hope all relationships are ! Sex is just one small component. With many sides to it.

No different than the fact that people we connect deeply with may have different appetites and tastes in other areas of their lives, food, movies, politics, music - you name it - so we can have different tastes in sexual stimulation.

Why should it be any different ? Because someone told us so ? Or we saw it in a movie ? Pleeeaaassseeeeeeeeeee ! Give logic a chance - right ?

The sexual pleasure we enjoy with different partners is DIFFERENT but NO LESS special ! Just as we have different likes in food we also have choices we share/enjoy TOGETHER !

There's room for both in our lives. Similarities AND differences.

But when we try to deny someone something they enjoy and that causes no harm, we're only driving a wedge into the connection we do have.

My suggestion ?

Understand it, celebrate it and let it go.


kamala 04-16-2010 02:02 PM

I really don't want to be negative here, especially since you seem to be asking for encouragement etc., but you have known this guy for just over a month, and already you have come up against two MAJOR differences, ie that he is poly, and you aren't, and that he is kinky, and you, from the sounds of it, aren't.

When people have slight disagreements, or different expectations, misunderstandings etc it's always something you can fix and work on. If it's a fundamentally different way of seeing the world, and something that won't change, I hate to say it, but it won't be getting any easier from here.

Just sit down and ask yourself, and try to be as honest as you possibly can: can I see myself doing this for an extended period of time? Am I happy? Do I really want this?

The title of your post is worrying: you seem to imply that if you don't accept his terms, you'll lose him, and that loss is unbearable, so you're trying to look for ways to convince yourself now that it's ok and that you HAVE TO come around to his way of thinking... you don't!!

If the idea of poly isn't tickling you pink, if it isn't seeming like some interesting adventure or something that you feel deep down that you want to explore and accept all the risks that go with it, then don't do it.

Your mind isn't closed because you feel uncomfortable with it, and his isn't more open because he is.

MonoVCPHG 04-16-2010 03:01 PM


Originally Posted by kamala (Post 26774)

Just sit down and ask yourself, and try to be as honest as you possibly can: can I see myself doing this for an extended period of time? Am I happy? Do I really want this?


My words exactly. Don't go by this forum as far as "everybody" is doing this either...this is a poly forum. If this was a Nascar Forum we would "all be doing it" too. :D

Look around your real world before you decide what everyone is doing.

SimplyUnusualAimee 04-16-2010 06:40 PM

I know I need to do what makes me comfortable and secure.

I want to atleast maybe try this out. I dont want to go back and say "What if?" I guess I'm tryin to look for more encouragement to maybe atleast see for myself if I can handle this.

Ariakas 04-16-2010 06:53 PM

I will approach my answer a little differently. What was said above is good advice. In regards to the D/s however, it might help you if you work towards understanding the "why". You say you can't figure out why they get pleasure out of it. Maybe you and your bf need to go to a munch (a social non sexual meeting with the bdsm community) and talk to a masochistic sub. There are a lot of reasons why people enjoy it. You might be surprised. :) Also read on various sites about what it is to be submissive/top/bottom/dom...

As for the poly. hmmm I know some doms with subs that aren't in any relationship beyond the D/s dynamic. They would not call themselves poly because for them the domination/submission is not always sexualized or "love". Again, you might want to discuss this at a munch or find more info on websites.

Keep in mind, I am not saying you need to get involved in the community, but understanding the why of the bdsm world might ease your mind a bit. It goes well beyond "beating the crap out of someone"...it is far from fightclub with whips and chains...

Since it reads like you want to make this work, figure out why he wants to do it and maybe you will understand.

Good luck :)

jasminegld 04-16-2010 07:20 PM

Here's an email list where you can talk with other people in situations similar to yours.

"PolyMono Polyamorous/Monogamous Support"
"This is a support group for monogamous people in a committed relationship with someone who is polyamorous - i.e., who either has or would like to have other lovers."


SimplyUnusualAimee 04-16-2010 08:10 PM

Thank you. I'll most definatly check that out.

WalksThroughFire35 04-21-2010 04:57 AM

Everyone has said good stuff ... I particularly agree here with Ariakas.

When I met my current gf, I didn't think that I was into BDSM or kink and I didn't think I would be into polygamy either. Now I've realized that there are many facets to BDSM that I do enjoy and that I just had to give myself permission to admit that I fantasized about kinky stuff ... whether that was dominance/submission or masochism or bondage, or whatever. I am struggling with the non-monogamy right now ... but I'm learning a lot in this relationship and it has been the best relationship for me yet. So, it doesn't mean that it is a wash from the get go.

I would be careful about changing yourself JUST to be with him, however. There has to be something in it for you ... regardless of whether you were with him. Don't get me wrong, staying with my girlfriend because she is who she is, is important to me. But even if it was not for her, there are lessons here that are valuable for me to learn, regardless of any person that I am with. Does that make sense? If its really not for you, then its not for you. Don't make it all about him. But he could be presenting you with an opportunity here to grow within yourself.

Another point ... if you are not ready for him to be with someone else and you need some more time to process this, you can say that. You can ask for what you want. You can negotiate things with him. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can negotiate with him what he is and is not allowed to do with the other person, based on what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with at this time. The first time they are together, for example, you can ask that they not have sex. You can then see how you feel about the fact that they even spent time together. You can decide how much you want to know about their relationship. You can even negotiate around the frequency and length of time they spend together. If you've got a committed partner, then the possibilities are endless.

It is important that he acknowledges too, that you are new at this and that if you are going to give it a try, that he be willing to slow down a little bit to meet you a little more. I would hope that he doesn't feel like it has to be all or nothing. Thats just my opinion.

vandalin 04-21-2010 04:56 PM

I'm still hoping Cajun will sign up soon, he said he would. But in the meantime I can at least give you the idea that he came up with when it came to my exploring poly and the possibility of having sex with someone else.

Basic concept is if his pants don't have a problem, why should he have a problem. More detailed concept being, if nothing is changing between he and I in our sex life, or even if it is getting better and more frequent (which it was) then why should he have a problem.

If having a sub, helps him to be a more loving partner to you, and is not, in reality, physically or emotionally taking away from your relationship, then maybe it's more of a self-esteem problem. As you said, "If I say yes... you can't bring the person around me... I dont think I could handle the fact of seeing the girl your having sex that isnt me... I'm going to start second guessing everything about me. My looks, my weight, everything." That is all self-esteem, and although poly people can have as much self-esteem issues as mono people, it can be dealt with.

But I also agree with the others, don't change yourself to fit his mold if you won't be happy in it. Although the self-esteem build up would help all around.

Good luck, hope this helped and wasn't too off the wall.

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