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-   -   Being poly is so unfair. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25384)

StarTeddy 07-06-2012 06:15 AM

Being poly is so unfair.
 
This is kind of similar to the other thread "I miss the perks of monogamy", but this is more of a personal vent of things I've been thinking about for a while.

I feel like being poly is the only way I can live my life in a way that is honest to myself and my feelings. But it's tough...and it's incredibly unfair in this society. Isn't love something that is encouraged and celebrated? Why is it that because I love two people so much that I can't imagine being without them, it means I must lose them both? My ex and I broke up because I had fallen for his best friend and he could not accept a poly relationship. His best friend was more open to the idea, but he's been shying away from it lately. I told him that my ideal arrangement would be all partners living in the same house, but he told me that he does not wish to live with anyone who isn't his partner. He also finds it unfair to have to share time spent together. So I feel like it's only a matter of time until I lose him. I've been trying to reconnect with an ex of mine who I was madly in love with, more than anyone else...I don't really expect anything to come of it, but if it did he'd probably reject me too, because of the way I choose to love. And the thing that hurts the most is that all three of them would want to date me if it was just them.

Because I want to love, I am precluded from loving. And I feel so alone.

I just want to be allowed to love, and I want to express that love...but from now on, the sad reality is that most of the people I'll ever love will reject me. I suppose, then, that I should become someone who loves without expecting anything in return. Because really, who would want to share when they can have so much more....?

PhilosophicallyLost 07-06-2012 06:25 AM

I know this must be painful for you. You sound very similar to me; you found the capacity to love more than one person after you entered a serious relationship. It sounds like you have had a very rough time of it....I'm sorry your loved ones are not more open to the idea.

If all else fails, I hope you will have faith that you could find another person to love someday that can accept you as you are. You could always find ways to meet people who are like minded and eventually one of them could blossom into a relationship. Still, I know you must dearly want the current people in your life to be more giving and open. You can keep trying to reason with them, but unfortunately the choice is ultimately up to them. I myself wish society was more open to the idea myself.

GalaGirl 07-06-2012 05:25 PM

Quote:

My ex and I broke up because I had fallen for his best friend and he could not accept a poly relationship.
Fair enough. You are responsible for articulating your wants, needs, limits. He articulates his and they were a mismatch.

Just because you want to go there doesn't automatically mean he does.


Quote:

His best friend was more open to the idea, but he's been shying away from it lately. I told him that my ideal arrangement would be all partners living in the same house, but he told me that he does not wish to live with anyone who isn't his partner. He also finds it unfair to have to share time spent together. So I feel like it's only a matter of time until I lose him.
He sounds more open. So why are you putting in right into the doomy gloomy bucket rather than talking more to refine where his limit is?

Maybe he's fine with a "V" and you as the hinge but NOT fine living with your other partner in the same house sharing all hours of the day in there and finances and all that jazz.

Is living all together a "hard limit" for you? Or is it more of a "want" than a limit?

Quote:

I've been trying to reconnect with an ex of mine who I was madly in love with, more than anyone else...I don't really expect anything to come of it, but if it did he'd probably reject me too, because of the way I choose to love.
So why go there looking for rejection if you already know it is not a kite that will fly?


Quote:

And the thing that hurts the most is that all three of them would want to date me if it was just them.
And this is bad because? Can't it be strokes for you?

"Yay! I am loveable! Unfortunate that the wants, needs and limits don't line up right yet, but I am loveable!"

Do you subscribe to the idea that there's only One or Few Right Ones for you?

Or do you subscribe to the idea that there are MANY Right Ones... but they don't always come at the Right Time?

GG

StarTeddy 07-06-2012 05:47 PM

Well, I guess the real issue is that I have abandonment issues. My parents were physically present but they never gave me much in the way of emotional support. Because of that, it hurts a lot when I love someone but they'd rather not be with me--it feels like I need them and I'm being abandoned. I'm aware this isn't the case at all, but it still hurts. It also hurts when I love someone and I can't express my feelings towards them, because I feel like I'm lying to myself.

And as for the living together thing...I don't know, it has more to do with me not wanting to feel like I have to take time away from one of them to be with the other, and some aspects of childcare. My ideal situation is living together with partners who are friends and enjoy each other's company. And also I worry that if I ever have a child, that I won't be able to take care of it like I should, because there wouldn't be enough time or money to go around. I'm also scared that I'd resent the child for all the time it would take away from me. I feel like it would be MUCH easier to raise a child in a three-person, two-salary family where the mother stays home with the child. So is it a hard limit or a want? I really don't know.

edit: Oh, and about my ex....he has a really bad family and he's been going through some really rough times since our relationship ended. Basically, I was the only person in his life who cared about what he wanted and his own wellbeing, and it took our breaking up (under pressure from his parents) for him to realize that if he didn't care about himself, nobody would. He's been trying to pick up the pieces of his life lately, and I feel like I should be there to support him and make sure that he doesn't fall into the same bad habits. Lots of years ago I had promised I'd always be there for him, and I'd never forgive myself if something bad happened to him and I never even tried.

GalaGirl 07-06-2012 06:34 PM

That's good you own that. But are you able to work on your abandonment issues? It's not going to help future relationships if you come across as uber clingy. :(


Quote:

It also hurts when I love someone and I can't express my feelings towards them, because I feel like I'm lying to myself.
This baffles me -- how are you lying to yourself?

Emotion just is. Wind is, rain is. It burbles up. We do not get to choose -- we feel what we feel when we feel it.

But we do get to choose how we respond.

That isn't lying to yourself. That's choosing to REACT to emotion or choosing to ACT with intention depending on the situation and what is best called for.


Quote:

And as for the living together thing...I don't know, it has more to do with me not wanting to feel like I have to take time away from one of them to be with the other. [snip] I'm also scared that I'd resent the child for all the time it would take away from me.
I don't see how maintaining a schedule is taking time away from anyone. Does my going to work "take time away" from my loved ones because I'm at work?

You are right in that children demand a lot of attention and time. We find it easier to just be closed in the parenting stage of life. Volunteering with kids to babysit or in church nurseries is how we did the "the try before you buy" thing when we were decided whether or not to have more. We did it for a year and then said "Thanks! That was fun!" and decided we did NOT want more children to have to keep track of.

Quote:

Lots of years ago I had promised I'd always be there for him, and I'd never forgive myself if something bad happened to him and I never even tried.
You sounded like you were shooting for a romance there going after the ex again. Not going for supportive friendship.

Are you good at keeping the emotional boundaries?

Between the abandonment issues and then not really know for sure what you want in terms of your rship wants, needs, limits and then sounding kinda blurry there with exes as friends and exes not being so ex any more...

Sounds messy for you right now. :(

GG

StarTeddy 07-07-2012 05:08 AM

Quote:

That's good you own that. But are you able to work on your abandonment issues? It's not going to help future relationships if you come across as uber clingy. :(
I've been trying to. I don't have access to my university's psychologist because it's summer, but just today I ordered a self-help book about overcoming abandonment issues. It's a work in progess.

Quote:

This baffles me -- how are you lying to yourself?
I guess it feels like to me that I have to swap one set of "social behaviors" for another. Like for example, I would like to treat someone as "lover" because that's how I feel, but I'm forced to treat them as "friend" instead, and if it goes on for long enough it feels like it's more of a double life...that I love them on the inside but I'm forced not to on the outside. This incongruity is very upsetting for me because I'm not being true to my feelings.

Quote:

I don't see how maintaining a schedule is taking time away from anyone. Does my going to work "take time away" from my loved ones because I'm at work?
Well...yeah. If I wasn't spending time with one of them, I'd be with the other. If neither me nor my partner had to work, we'd probably spend that time with each other. Doing anything else is a reduction of time. Whether that's GOOD or BAD depends on the circumstances and the people involved...

Quote:

Are you good at keeping the emotional boundaries?
Nope, I'm terrible at it. I'm generally bad at controlling my feelings. Though I did expect from the outset that trying to help him was going to hurt me in some way or another.

And yeah, my life is pretty messy right now...and I feel like it's just going to get messier. :/

StarTeddy 07-07-2012 05:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 142452)
And this is bad because? Can't it be strokes for you?

"Yay! I am loveable! Unfortunate that the wants, needs and limits don't line up right yet, but I am loveable!"

About this. This is also especially hurtful sometimes because I feel like being poly makes me unloveable. That if I was mono and I felt like I only had room in my heart for one person only, then all of them would want to date me. If I consider my love to be so great that I want to love all of them--then I can date none of them, because then they don't want me anymore. Not if I'm poly. And this is especially baffling because I thought that love is something to be encouraged rather than limited...but what society is telling me is that to be a loveable human being, you must only have enough room in your heart for one person...that you must love less.

Arrowbound 07-07-2012 06:42 AM

A few things:

I really wouldn't dwell on the thought of future children and all that right now.

Yes, you being poly does not make you suitable for a lot of people. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with not being suitable for everyone you want to be suitable for. Do you really wanna date them all? You're one person. This need to be desired by whomever... it's not good. It's not good at all.

Society has told us all that the right way to love (romantically) is from one person to another. Clearly enough human beings have realized and recognized that despite what society has conditioned us to believe, we still feel the way we feel. We still love more than one. We still desire intimacy with more than one. Yes, we're made to feel bad about it.

But is this YOUR life to live, or someone else's?

StarTeddy 07-07-2012 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arrowbound (Post 142506)
I really wouldn't dwell on the thought of future children and all that right now.

I wish that was possible...but I'm not a kid anymore (regardless of how I feel), and most people want to have children before they're 30. It's something that they want and that they would expect of me...but I can't take care of a pet, much less a child. There's a very real possibility I may never feel ready to have children. And that's very scary for people that would otherwise expect children within a few years. It could make or break a relationship.

Quote:

Yes, you being poly does not make you suitable for a lot of people. And that is okay. There is nothing wrong with not being suitable for everyone you want to be suitable for. Do you really wanna date them all? You're one person. This need to be desired by whomever... it's not good. It's not good at all.
I know I have problems, and that I need to deal with them. I need to have a healthy relationship with myself before I can have a healthy relationship with another person...but I still feel like I want and need the love and security of a relationship. I feel off-center otherwise...like a vagabond, without a home. Lost. So for me, love is both the poison and the cure...

It's complicated to explain exactly what I want...in a perfect world, I'd like to have a regular married life with multiple people instead of just one. And it would be one happy family. Because married life is what they want and I want to be that for them. I want to be everything to them, play wifey and all those things...I know this is impossible...I have no idea where children fit into this, and it's a logistical nightmare given society's disapproval (nevermind their own objections)....but I feel like that's what my heart wants. But to be honest to myself, I must lie to others...? I can't ever imagine myself lying to people about my relationships.

I know I can't be with everyone that's interested in me...but I don't want to reject them either. I want to be in their lives, and I want to be free to love them, whichever form that love takes. It'd be a whole range of emotions, most falling between friend and lover in that gray zone so unfamiliar to conventional monogamy. And I don't want the people I love to push me aside or force me to break away just because they found someone else.

Quote:

But is this YOUR life to live, or someone else's?
Yeah, it's my life to live. I feel grateful that I even have the option of choosing what it is I want to do with it. But the way I see it, in order to live a poly life according to my ideals, I'd have to become a sort of martyr, suffering for my honesty and loving without expecting anything in return (because most of the people I'll ever love will reject me). Yeah, it's my life. But I hate that this is how I have to live it.

nycindie 07-07-2012 06:17 PM

You really are taking a very dismal, all-or-nothing, defeatist attitude. I think you need to start looking at the things you are grateful for and count your blessings every day. Do things to boost your self-esteem and enjoyment of life in general. And know that there are plenty of people out there who would be happy in a childfree poly relationship. You will meet them if the energy you project is a positive, uplifting one. But if you are so down on yourself and negative about life, no one will be attracted to that.


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