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-   -   New found poly wife, mono husband (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25377)

Nelised 07-06-2012 12:38 AM

New found poly wife, mono husband
 
My husband and I are newlyweds but I've just confessed myself as being poly to him. He didn't take it as well as I thought he might. I have feelings for a male friend of a while now, and want to pursue things with both of them. I love my husband dearly, and would never want to hurt him, but I feel resentment setting in for rejecting me fully. Any opinions on the matter or advice?

Thanks in advance :)

GalaGirl 07-06-2012 01:54 AM

Kinda surprised you waited til after the wedding to tell him!

I mean, he signed up for one kind of rship, and then this? It's a shocker, esp if you knew and did not come into awareness well after the marriage. This way it's kinda like withholding information, isn't it?

GG

Narayume 07-06-2012 06:10 AM

You sort of pulled a "bait and switch" on your husband there. If you had those feelings for your other male friend for a while, why did you not tell your husband before the marriage that you were considering polyamoury?

I think at this stage all you can do is talk to your husband, give him time and see what happens. See if you can interest him in some of books that are recommended on this page or some information about poly online. However, you might be faced with the fact that this is not what your husband wants in which case you will have to choose between the poly lifestyle and your husband. There is sadly a good chance that you won't be able to have both.

If you get resentful of not being able to follow your lifestyle, I'd just think about how resentful your husband must be feeling right about committing to one type of relationship and being told after the ceremony that it is likely to be another.

km34 07-06-2012 06:14 AM

I agree that it would have been better to let him know BEFORE the wedding that you're poly (assuming you were aware at the time that you were poly... I know it kind of sneaks up on people sometimes :) ).

Other than that, I think just give your husband some time to process. Going from the mindset of finding your one true love and living monogamously happily ever after to having multiple loves and all the things that go with that is a hard thing to do! Especially when it isn't your feelings/desires that cause the shift. Let him process for a bit and then just talk to him about what it would mean for your relationship. You may find that he isn't open to it at all, so you should probably be doing some hardcore reflecting and figuring out what you can and can't deal with, too.

There are all kinds of "coming out" stories around the forum. Reading around a bit might help you figure stuff out, too. Your husband could also learn some stuff by reading, so inviting him to join you in researching may be a great way to help break the ice and get him to start thinking about it a bit more.

dingedheart 07-06-2012 03:09 PM

hi and welcome,

how many month have you been married? How long have you been together in total?

Why did you think he might take it well?

CielDuMatin 07-06-2012 04:02 PM

Opinions? OK!

During your wedding vows (i.e. commitment promises), did you use the standard "Forsaking all others"? If yes, then you explicitly made a promise to him that there would be no other in your life.

Even if you didn't, the expectation in our society is that a marriage is monogamous unless explicitly negotiated otherwise.

I think that you knew this.

So you married him under false pretenses. Your marriage started out with a lie.

Or am I (and others posting here) misunderstanding something about this?

GalaGirl 07-06-2012 06:55 PM

The hardest thing I ever did was own crossing a boundary with my then BF (now DH). I'd crossed a limit with my secondary and I had to own it and ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make ammends. And it could have cost me him because he might not grant forgiveness or opportunity to make amends.

But I had to own it anyway and be honest. Every action has a consequence. And I did, because we were starting to talk about marriage and getting deeper so before we went there we needed to have one of those big talk reboot times and lay things out on the table for THIS next 5 yr bracket of time.

I was amazed when he rose to it and went above and beyond. He told me quite calmly -- "Alright. I am upset. I do not think that is unreasonable to feel right now at this news. Thanks for telling me. I love YOU. I do NOT love THIS. We will deal." And he kissed me and went to bed because he had work the next morning and we'd talk more later. There was no point in losing sleep now.

Quote:

I love my husband dearly, and would never want to hurt him, but I feel resentment setting in for rejecting me fully.
He didn't reject YOU. He married YOU.

He was not given opportunity until now to weigh the poly thing on his scales to see where it goes for him -- accept poly or reject poly?

And the opportunity you gave him was not fair opportunity -- it comes as newlyweds after the wedding?

You can't get all resentful because you have placed him now in a difficult situation because you withheld information. You basically did a lie of omission if you were aware you were polywired before the wedding. You were out to yourself but not out to him and went through a major life milestone event without full honesty.

But you could ask for forgiveness and apologize and try to continue the marriage from a more honest place.

How you guys decided to be in relationship next is up to you all -- but you have to talk again once he is ready. Don't push him to process faster than he can go -- you already put him in a place he didn't want to be in with a lie of omission.

Any rship of any configuration has rights and responsibilities to hold up on the two way street of relating to each other.

Whatever the outcome -- start hold up your end of the sticks better.

I'm hoping things will work out and you will both be ok. It can't be a fun time over there. :confused:

GL!

GG

pocketpoly86 07-11-2012 08:49 PM

This is exactly what happened to me...except that I was the one who was told. We are now 5 years and 3 GFs in for my husband, whom I call Piped Piper. It has been very difficult for me. I used to feel sick to my stomach and ask him why he was doing this to me. He said I could pick the women. :P In fact just the other day when I was feeling upset that the latest "she", whom I've nicknamed Colada, he said, "I don't what your problem is, I gave you choices".....uhhhh...my choices were I could pick or he could. I was not pleased. I feel hurt, lied to, tricked, but overall, I like to say I feel existentially sad. :(

Good luck to you but careful, this is a tough road for someone who is surprised and feels "stuck" because they married you.


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