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-   -   Hi everyone! New and could use some guidance. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25349)

Spooky 07-04-2012 09:21 AM

Hi everyone! New and could use some guidance.
Hi everyone,

I'm 27 and consider myself bisexual. I've been married to my husband a bit less than a year and we've been together for almost three years now.

Just recently, a friend shared an article about polyamory with me, and it brought up a lot of questions for me. When I was younger I made some attempts at "open" relationships, but no one involved was mature enough and they were all pretty disastrous. As a result, in the future I wrote off my attraction to other people outside my relationships as me simply being immature and not willing to commit. Now, though, I find myself a little older and wiser, and a lot more mature. Coming back and reading more, I can see the difference between open relationships and polyamory and I feel like I have a better understanding of the kind of commitment and communication necessary to hope to make a poly relationship work. In searching to try to figure out how to talk to my husband about this, I found this awesome place.

Here's my situation. My husband knows I'm bi and says he is completely comfortable with this, but has specified that if anything happens between me and another woman, he either has to be there or have video. We've discussed threesomes, and actually, it was him who first suggested a more serious relationship. I had never considered that, and was a little uncomfortable with it at first, but willing to consider trying it. Now I've come to realize that would probably actually be a lot more fulfilling for both of us. Unfortunately, unicorns being known as such for a reason, nothing's happened on that front. And for myself, I've always found that relationships just happen. I've never had anything come of going out and actively looking for someone, so I don't have a lot of hope there.

Now I find myself with a crush on a male friend. At first I just blew it off, hoping it would go away, but after a couple of months, it's still there at a simmer in the back of my mind. To complicate things a bit further, due to some possible medical issues, I don't have the most fantastic sex drive in the world, certainly a great deal lower than my husband's. I feel like because his sexual needs aren't being met already, the idea of me having sex with another man would come across as pure rejection.

After reading a lot of other people's experiences, I'm not entirely certain I even want to pursue a poly relationship involving another man. I don't feel like right now, it's absolutely necessary that I have that freedom in order to be happy in my marriage. However, since this wouldn't be the first time I've developed feelings for others outside of my relationships, I'm thinking it might be better to address the issue now with a little crush instead of risk the same thing coming up later and being more serious.

At any rate, I do feel like I need to at least talk to my husband about my feelings and do some real exploring to figure out what it is I do want and get a clearer understanding of his boundaries as they stand now, as well as future possibilities. (Before reading through posts tonight, I guess I'd always just assumed the traditional monogamy definition of anything intimate with anyone besides my husband was going to be strictly off limits.) I'm just really not sure how to go about bringing all this up without making it sound like some horrible guilty confession for having a crush and as though I just want to go sleep with my guy friend.

ImaginaryIllusion 07-04-2012 02:10 PM

Welcome to the Forum.

(Apologies there's not more yet...but it's time to run off to work)

GalaGirl 07-04-2012 04:22 PM


And just a crush? Why is just sharing that you have a crush a biggie in the marriage? It's not going to cause the marriage to crumble just to share that is it? We're all human. We are attracted.

I tell my DH about all the time. One of our fav dates when we were younger (and poorer) was to split a drink at the mall food court because it had a balcony looking down to the lower floor and just oogle people together.

"Oooh. Yah. Totally my type."

"No WAY! I saw first!"

"Nuh-uh! I did!"

It was silly and it was fun. Maybe your DH is into that.

Or maybe he's not and he's more like "Yah, I know. People are people. But that's not really my thing so... not a part of your internal world that I feel comfortable in. Have crushes, enjoy, but I'm not really into the sharing of crushies."


(I) feel like I need to at least talk to my husband about my feelings and do some real exploring to figure out what it is I do want and get a clearer understanding of his boundaries as they stand now, as well as future possibilities.
Fair enough. So talk.


I'm just really not sure how to go about bringing all this up without making it sound like some horrible guilty confession for having a crush and as though I just want to go sleep with my guy friend.
Um... straight up? Something like....


So... DH. Can we talk about my inner world some? Like Friday night from 9PM - 11 PM? (and the time comes)

Alright, so I want to share inner world thoughts with you and it is ONLY sharing at this point. I'm feeling weird and vulnerable and I want you to be like Active Listener person.

You already know I'm bi, so cool. I've been reviewing my past and reading new things and wondering if I'm also poly since I learned some new vocab.

I don't want to do anything about that at this point. I just want to sit with it and digest and review my life with this new vocab lens. And I'd like to be able to sit with it with YOU sometimes and just process this inner world discovery. You up for that? Helping me "what if" stuff so I can examine how I feel?

IF YES: Ok, thanks for being willing. That's all I want to cover.

IF NO: Ok, you are not up for that. Thanks for letting me check in tho. Is it ok with you if I "what if" with other people? My best friend? Online anonymously? You are my first dibs guy but if you aren't up I'd still like to spend some time sitting with it and get feedback.
There you go.

At 3 yrs rship, with 1 married... do you know about the 4 yr itch? Totally normal, BTDT. Seen other people weather that patch out.

But also something to think about -- we're 20 yrs in almost. But most of our arguments and crazy happened around the 3-4 yr mark. The pink fluffy lalas of NRE were well over, but the ORE groove wasn't especially deep yet. So it was a weird time for us since we'd moved in together, were engaged, etc.


dingedheart 07-04-2012 07:34 PM

Hi and welcome,

Are you ok with your husband having other gf's ? Approach it that way ...giving him supplemental freedom. You said your drive is off or less ......

Spooky 07-04-2012 11:16 PM

Thanks for the responses!

GG, We've done stuff like the people watching before, or talked about cute actors/actresses, but that's a lot more abstract than me being attracted to a guy I actually hang out with. There's no danger I'll ever be hanging out with that actor, and even given that, he seems a bit put out. Even though I tell my husband all the time that I think he's sexy, without sex backing that up all the time, I think it just seems like words to him.

I guess the 4 year itch is a possibility. I guess I thought I was already in the safe zone, because in the past, I would always get the worst puppy love at the beginning of a relationship, which would only last maybe 6 months, and usually by a year, the relationship was ending or over.

Dingedheart, I would totally be ok with him having a girlfriend of his own. Initially I thought I would only be ok with a triangle type dynamic, but reading and understanding more about poly, I think with some work I would also be fine with a V. I don't think it carries a lot of weight with him, though, unfortunately. He's your stereotypical computer geek guy, not in fabulous shape and doesn't consider himself good with ladies. So far, I've done all our unicorn hunting.

GalaGirl 07-05-2012 12:46 AM

I don't see the difference between an actor and a guy you know in person. If it's just a crush and nothing is happening, it's just as "not happening" as the actor person.

I tell DH my crushes on local people and it's not anything more than that. Me sharing a crush and both of us enjoying the twitterpated. He yanks my chain about it sometimes in a teasing, good natured way. "Oooh... here comes so and so!" and I like the tease to be honest. It's as good as the crush! :D


kdt26417 07-05-2012 09:54 PM

Hi Spooky,
Just wanted to add my welcome to the forum.

I guess I would just give it awhile for your husband to get used to you "having crushes," before trying to take anything to the next level. Maybe it's difficult right now, but sometimes time makes things easier.

It's a shame that your husband hasn't found any dates of his own. Maybe there's some kind of social situation he could try, just get used to being friends with people? A club, dealing with some kind of interest he has, something like that?

Is there anything you can do to "add extra spark" in your marriage? Anything missing? Sometimes if something's been missing for a long time, we just don't notice it.

I hope your interactions on Polyamory.com will help give you some ideas.

Kevin T.

CielDuMatin 07-06-2012 03:13 PM

Something about the sex drive which may or may not apply to you. What I have found, and have read others experiencing too, is that when they are in multiple relationships their sex drive increases. It could well be that starting another relationship will in no way negatively impact your sex life with your existing partner.

Spooky 08-12-2012 03:53 PM

So, it's been an interesting, and bumpy, month, and I thought I'd come update.

Not too long after posting this, I read The Ethical Slut and it caused me to re-examine how I felt about a lot of things, and to realize I was in denial about my crush and I really, really did want to be able to pursue something with him.

I suggested my husband read The Ethical Slut also, and that lead to him wanting to know why, so while I'd planned on giving him time to adjust to the whole idea, instead the truth came spilling out that I wanted to be able to have a boyfriend. My husband was definitely not exactly happy, but he actually took the whole thing rather well, and didn't outright say no to the idea as I'd feared he might. But then came my introduction to how painfully slowly he takes these things, when he said something like, "Well, we'll be moving in a year (when I finish school) so it doesn't really matter until then anyway."

I left it alone, figuring that was very good progress for one night and didn't want to push him, and instead went and talked to my crush. Turns out we both were pretty sure the feelings were mutual, but hadn't discussed it and certainly hadn't discussed any options. As it happens, he's very open to the idea of a poly relationship, though never been in one, and had already done his own reading in the past. So, given that, I decided the next night to tell my husband there was a reason why I was bringing all of this up now, and revealed my crush. Again, he wasn't happy, but really took it pretty well, and said he'd think on it. So, I'm still not allowed to act, but at least my feelings are known.

Since then I think there's been some small progress. He's read some of The Ethical Slut, but not much. He's gone from being upset at finding out I'd watched a movie alone with my crush at his place (I'd mistakenly thought it was pretty clear I'd be hanging out with him alone part of the time), to being ok with that. My crush lives 3 hours away in my hometown, so I've been visiting on the weekends. He's also gone from referring to him very sarcastically as "my boyfriend" to saying it rather matter of factly it seems. I might be reading too much into that one though, because I'm kind of starved for feedback since he moves so slowly on thinking or talking about any of this.

Overall, I've been trying really hard to make sure my husband feels secure and loved, but sometimes I'm so frustrated with how slowly he's going about it, that it's really hard not to be impatient with him, even though I understand it's a thing that takes a lot of time to accept. Strangely enough, to me anyway, he seems to have dealt very well with the bit of jealousy he's experienced, but freaks out about friends knowing and what people are going to think.

In the meantime, my crush has turned into full on puppy love, which certainly isn't helping me be any more patient. And now I feel so torn between wanting to spend time with this friend who I care about and have all kinds of pleasant, warm, fuzzy feelings for, and knowing I need to give my husband time and support, even when things are rough. I used to always cut and run when this cropped up in previous relationships, and it's so hard to fight that instinct. I know I'd never have gotten even this far if we weren't married, but our marriage was already under some stress due to the disparity in libido. So, right now I'm feeling so lost as to how I'm going to manage the level of patience it seems he's going to need to get us through this.

Spooky 08-12-2012 03:58 PM

Sorry, I got caught up in my novel there and forgot to address the responses I meant to.

Ciel, I've found just making my feelings known has improved my sex drive a bit, but it's kind of up and down with how things are going in general and how optimistic I'm feeling about the situation.

Kevin, I'm looking for some local groups. I tried taking him to a local kink group back when we first started dating. He didn't really enjoy it, but I think now he's got a bit more motivation to want to be involved. I don't know that there's anything specific missing, other than maybe just novelty. He's a pretty simple guy when it comes to sex.

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