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-   -   experienced poly's advice needed (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25338)

HippieMomma 07-04-2012 05:15 AM

experienced poly's advice needed
So i am 19 and i have been in a relationship with my fiance for over four years but i have always felt that i wanted something more even though i want to be with him for the rest of my life. He has had a VERY VERY close friend that we have talked about integrating into our family in a polygamy relationship but that just didnt seem right to me and it was almost heartbreaking that i thought he didnt love me but i have recently started . . . er. . . courting i guess is the right word another man and started doing some research about it and finally came to realize that i am in fact polyarmorous. I have talked to my fiance and he is accepting of this but i do not know what the next step is for me :confused: i am very confused and this is a lot to take in, simply realizing that i am not crazy and there are people out there with the same ideals as me is a comfort that i could never describe but i am so full of questions now. What i want out of my relationship is a family, I am emotionally attached to my fiances significant other and i hope that he would bond the same way with mine [we are both bi by the way] but my goal would be to find these people that will not only be a relationship for us but a full on four person relationship . . . as a family. This is polyarmory correct. . . and if it truly is i just am so full of questions that i do not know where to start. How to tell family, how to ask someone you are courting, and how to keep possesivness and jealousy away. . . please i need help.

GalaGirl 07-04-2012 05:29 AM

First, take a deep breath.

You are 19. You don't have to know everything at once!

Second, do nothing but read for a bit.



Then have lots of talks with your fiancee about what your mutual goals are.

I don't mean just the poly ones -- but school, work, where to live, etc. How these things figure into your lives.

The ability to love more than one is polyamory.

That 4 person thing -- you sound like you are talking about a quad configuration of some kind.


HippieMomma 07-04-2012 05:50 AM

Thank you
thank you so much lol if you cant tell i am kind of frantic, We are on our own and have a baby, so we are pretty much ok as far as everything else goes we are just having trouble identifying our relationship wants i guess. He has had a relationship with this girl and i have too and that was not to confusing for us we just chalked it up to being sexually adventurous but after so long it was not just sex anymore it was emotional attachment then it got confusing. We started trying to integrate another man into the bedroom with us and yet again we thought it was going to be simple sex but it takes a lot for me to be comfortable enough with someone to be intimate with them. Yet again it has become an emotional connection. I started talking to my fiance and he said he understood because of his relationship but now we are confused about where to go with this. It is something that makes us feel complete but we are very confused about what all of this means

GalaGirl 07-04-2012 06:04 AM

Alright, you guys have a baby.

I hope you put the child's need FIRST.


It is something that makes us feel complete but we are very confused about what all of this means
As for what it means, it means that you both do not have recreational sex. (swinging). You both seem to prefer sex in a bigger relationship context that includes emotional attachment. (poly)

You envision your Other Significant Others perhaps sharing life with you in other ways -- like living together down the road.

Will this mean financial entanglements or everyone pay their own way?

Will they also be coparenting your child with you? Do you even want your child to form strong parent figure type attachments to other people? What if they bail?

Do you require genetic monogamy of your fiancee? Only siring children with YOU or are you open to your child having half-siblings with OSO people? What about you having children by another OSO that is not the fiancee? (And in the meanwhile everyone condom! You prob don't want or need another baby right now even with your fiancee. Babies are demanding.)

There's a lot to think about, sure. But breathe.



You don't have to have all this solved by tomorrow morning. Life is long, and you don't need to live it all up at the front end of your young adulthood. :)

I have some friends in their early 20's and it is typical of the decade to want to know NOW, to RUSH on so.

This is why Luke Skywalker is how he is in Star Wars when we meet him. Very 20's impetus -- because the main thing of the decade is to leave the nest and make it out on your own. So there's a lot of ooooomph drive there pushing you forward. I get that. :)

Cada epoca tiene su encanto -- every epoch (stage) has its enchantments (charms). The 20s, 30s, 40s and so on are very different in vibe.

That's fine then that the 20's vibe has that drive, that "push forward move ON" thing to it. But remember YOU drive the turbo charged car. The CAR does not drive you. Do not confuse the "urgent" with the "important."

I think it's safe to sleep on it and talk with fiancee for a while, and talk about things with your current OSOs for a while.

After all, you and fiancee can come up with an agreement you both like but that doesn't mean the OTHER people want to sign up for picket white fence houses and kids now, does it? They are their own people with their own ideas and feelings about how they want to live their lives.

Maybe they will, maybe the won't.

On your end, I think strengthening your rship with fiancee doesn't hurt. Getting this parent thing down doesn't hurt. You say fiancee -- so I'm guessing there's a wedding being planned at some point. Both marriage and baby are big on the stress scale of life stuff. Get past these things a bit first. Getting into polymath adds to your time management stress. Can't prevent all life stress, but some you CAN choose and somewhat control your stress load and how it plays out.

Example? Right now we're closed. I have enough stress and things going on with parenting and eldercare and chronic health issues. I'm not adding a new OSO to the mix now because that would make me nuts! :)

You may very well find that you want to leave it just where it is as for now while sorting these other parts of your life first. Just date your OSO's on the side and agree to powow on how to be together in the meanwhile. There's rights and responsibilites you all share -- or would in my world. Hold these up when you communicate. Play fair. Breathe. You will be alright.


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