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-   -   I miss the perks of monogamy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25337)

LemonCakeIsALie33 07-04-2012 04:36 AM

I miss the perks of monogamy
I just need to complain. My heart hurts.

When I thought I was monogamous by orientation, people I dated whom I really liked were often open to being in relationships with me.

Now, I think I want a poly or non-prescriptive mono (mono but open to poly) life in my future.

Most of the people I find myself liking lose interest in a relationship when I mention my orientation. They think poly is the same as just "open," and open is (of course!) casual, so that must mean we can only casually date / be FWB. Even if they would otherwise consider being serious with me, and I with them.

It doesn't change who I am. But it's so, so discouraging. I'm afraid, when I meet someone new whom I really like and I don't know their relationship orientation, to come out as poly. It's actually kind of terrifying, whereas it's only ever slightly nervewracking to come out as bisexual..

The problem is that I meet many more people I click with in person than on, say, OkCupid. You never know if the chemistry will be there online. But if you're not online, you don't know the person's relationship orientation.

It sucks. Crush after crush, ended before they can really have a chance. I can't be the only one.

polypenguin 07-04-2012 04:49 AM

I understand, being a man, wemon just assume i'm a piece of shit who cannot commit and just wants to cheat constantly. And that hurts my spirit as well. It's disappointing to have crushes, and then have them crushed by being poly.

GalaGirl 07-04-2012 05:05 AM


I'm sorry it is frustrating. Perhaps too it is the age? At 21, some of your peers are still just getting a handle on basic one-on-one dating and communication skills. Poly-dating is a larger challenge. In my whole time as an teen/20's person, I only found ONE poly guy.

My partners were all mono. I was straight up with my wants, needs, limits -- but did not use the word poly. I did not know it then!

But I was clear about not wanting to be exclusive at this time, and they could see, date, be with whoever. All I needed was the safe sex heads up so if one of theirs was looking to go loverly I could make a health decision for myself and decide if I wanted to overlap or not. I felt that was fair.

Basically I was a baby poly chick living it, but not knowing the WORD for it. :)

Some were not down with it at all. Some were willing to try. Some bailed after realizing the realities. Two hung in there.

I do not know if that helps you any.


nycindie 07-04-2012 03:12 PM

Don't use the words polyamory or polyamorous or any form of those. Just say you want a relationship but are not looking for or expecting exclusivity. Most people will be able to wrap their heads around that and accept it much more than that weird thing called polyamory. I find that the words exclusive or exclusivity is much gentler and more universally understood. At least, from that point, it's easier to have a conversation about what thet means to you.

Tonberry 07-04-2012 05:41 PM

I sympathise. Most people who know me also know my boyfriend, and they rarely if ever treat me as a sexual being. It's very disheartening, if I was male I would probably feel castrated, I'm not sure what the equivalent would be here (am I missing my breasts or my ovaries). At any rate, I feel like people I'm interested in are just so used to treating me not like a woman, but like a person without gender, that they wouldn't even consider me as a partner.
But if it is known that I am polyamorous, it's even worse, as they assume I only want casual sex with others, and that I want it with everyone. Those who want something serious start to avoid me, probably because they're worried I'll try to corrupt them or something, and others just expect sex from me, sometimes people I don't even know!

It's frustrating, but still, it's who I am. It sucks that society doesn't get it, but it's not our fault.

In your case, it seems you don't have any partners right now, which presents its own set of difficulty of course (for instance, if you do find a partner, they might assume you'll change your mind once it's serious with them, and be heartbroken when you don't. At least I don't run that risk).

sparklepop 07-06-2012 12:14 AM

Hi :)

I completely understand your feelings.

Check this out:

I'm a woman looking for a woman.
I live in the UK for three months, US for three months, back and forth.
My primary girlfriend lives in the US.
I'm also a Domme.
And a picky b*tch at that ;)
What else? Oh yes. For various reasons, I choose to attempt to be polysexual - I don't want to be in love with anyone but my primary.

So the person who fits this must be:
A woman into women (cuts down about half the population)
Doesn't mind when I vanish for 3 months at a time (more cut down)
Doesn't mind me having a GF (cuts way down)
Is kinky (see where I'm going)
Preferably a sub
Preferably can spell
Doesn't want to fall in love

I think that leaves about three women in the UK. And I've already dated two of them.


How about we look at it a different way.

How many people have you seen in God-awful, boring, stale marriages? Relationships where they don't really get each other; they just exist together? I've seen a lot. Maybe all Brits are miserable. :rolleyes:

You're 21 and you know what you're looking for already.

When I was 21 (read my description above again) ... I was dating a vanilla, monogamous man! He could spell though, so that was a bonus.

Thank God we're still friends - but what a big fat (yet very sweet) waste of both of our time.

So what I'd do is this...

Start looking at your dating criteria as a good thing.

It's going to help you weed people out.

Also, try not to look at poly as a big dirty secret. Seriously. To hell with the world.

I came out as a lesbian at the age of 13. The entire school followed me around for weeks. Then I came out as bisexual at 17. Then I changed my mind again a couple of years ago. In my last job, everyone knew I was poly, everyone knew I liked women. I've been there and I know it's daunting.

In terms of meeting people in real life vs internet.

When you meet people in real life, it tends to be through social circles. Individuals in social circles tend to have something in common with each other. So... if you met a poly person... you might find a lot of their friends are poly too.

I am personally a fan of online dating. I can put it all out there on my profile and I might only get one woman a month message me... but it's the right kind of woman. I've met all three of my kinky poly secondaries over the past year on Plenty of Fish. Zero through FetLife. Two of them, were a bit dull online - but fantastic in person! So try not to judge them by the online chemistry... if they look cute, can prove that they're safe/genuine, then it's just an extra way to open doors.

Just remember that:
- being in the wrong relationship closes doors to the right ones
- being in no relationship opens every door!

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