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SexyPixie 07-04-2012 01:18 AM

Poly Struggles
 
Hello poly people,

I am in a polyamorous marriage after being raised in a very religious organization (LDS / Mormon).

I have not had 'successful' relationships outside of my marriage.

I struggle with my husband's girlfriend relationship, specifically the romantic part of their relationship. I feel like I didn't sign up for this and that it's been put upon me and I struggle with keeping it going; I often feel like I don't want it in my life but I also want to give to him and allow him to be his real self.

I hope to chat with others who have had struggles with 'poly' and to learn more about other's journey's.

xx
SexyPixie

GalaGirl 07-04-2012 03:25 AM

Welcome!

I am sorry that it sounds like this was sort of... foisted on you then?

Quote:

I feel like I didn't sign up for this and that it's been put upon me and I struggle with keeping it going; I often feel like I don't want it in my life but I also want to give to him and allow him to be his real self.
Then does that mean you want to split up? Is that your current struggle? The "should I stay or should I go?"

So he can have this and allow him to be his real poly self and be a free dating agent? And you can get what you want here and not have it in your life?

I'm not clear what kind of support you are looking for, but wish you well anyway.

GG

SexyPixie 07-04-2012 04:34 AM

Thanks for the Welcome!
 
Foisted I guess is not the right word. I agreed to being open, but I don't recall agreeing to my husband having a girlfriend and I never thought it would get to this level of romantic. The dedicating of songs (I had thought of as our songs, meeting the girlfriends family, planning trips where I am not included)

I don't want to split up. I do love him and want to stay with him. The love for him is why I want him to be his true self and why I keep signing up for something that is very painful for me. I am unsure if I have what it takes to be in a poly relationship. I feel like one of us has to lose. Either he gives up his girlfriend and his poly self.(who he truly is) Or I give up having all of my husband and share him.

I am wondering am I just seeing things in a whiny difficult place where I see things through depressed sad glasses instead of rosy. Is there really great things to come and I just need to hold on because it gets better. Has anyone out there is polyicious land been through anything like this or similar? Does it just not work for some people? What can I do to not feel so much pain?

GalaGirl 07-04-2012 05:35 AM

No journey is without bumps in the road. But I think you are feeling extra pain because maybe you guys just opened up without laying out any kind of framework for dealing with wants, needs, limits, emotions popping up, conflict resolution, etc FIRST?

In my world? I lay it out crystal clear on rights and responsibilities.

I also lay it out for conflict resolution

I also lay it out for what type rships I'm looking for.

I don't get the vibe that you guys were on the same page of what "open" means though. He may have thought "open to date to find serious GF" and you may have thought "open to date and have casual sex like swinging" or something?

Take a time out to sort yourselves out, make sure you use the same vocab, are on the same page, etc. You have thought about your wants and needs and limits and expressed them to him so he can help meet them so you can feel secure and good about your polyship arrangements.

Have you been through

http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm

There's lots to read there. Perhaps help you get your thoughts together?

GL!
Galagirl

LovingRadiance 07-04-2012 06:40 AM

Look up username "Maca" and read his posts. He's my husband. He definitely felt similar to you.

He doesn't post anymore, because he's living his life happily and hates to type.

We struggled for a long time and there are still moments that crop up.
I imagine, one is on its way actually, because the 9th is our anniversary, but becuase it falls on a Monday, we can't go do something special that day (he'll be working) AND my boyfriend has Mondays off work, so will be home with the kids and me.

BUT-all in all, great things have happened in the last 6 months and it seems to just keep improving.

So, yes, there are people who it just doesn't work for. But, there are also people who feel the same you feel now, but find with time, love and lots of talking (sometimes to other people) along with plenty of "fuck the talking lets just be together for now" moments-find their way to a happy, successful, very worthwhile place in poly.

(you can also feel free to read through my previous posts, but I gave you his username because he was the one in your shoes). :)


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