How Much Sex is Enough Sex?
Ok, attention-grabbing title... ;) My question is actually related, I promise.
I am part of a polyamorous V with my wife and her girlfriend, who has lived with us for the last 4 months. I've been with my wife monogamously for 15 years and she met her girlfriend just over a year ago.
Our sex life is pretty good, but we do not have it as often as I'd like. My wife is a Domme and I tried becoming a sub... but i'm not all that kinky. Maybe once every two weeks on average. Sometimes every week, sometimes a longer gap. We have a toddler and this definitely is part of the issue too.
Another barrier is the addition of my wife's girlfriend - obviously there's only so much sex my wife can manage. Don't get me wrong though; she's great and I deeply care for her. I don't resent it. But it makes me worry about one thing.
How much is enough?
My wife is now ready to have an extra regular sexual partner, outside of our poly family. She's met one guy twice and wants to sleep with him in a couple of day's time. She needs a submissive male and I understand that. Her girlfriend is also a Domme and so she can't get that element from her either.
There seems to be the general idea from her that she would like to sleep with him once a week. That's what she's told us. Then maybe a couple of casual extra partners once a month.
She said that it might be the case that she has sex with him more often than either of us, simply because she is able to go out on a date with him, with no toddler, and set aside time for that. I said that if she's going to make time to have sex with someone else... we should be making time for the same in our marriage, first? Have a weekly date night, or something?
I hope this doesn't sound selfish... but I'm worried about how to balance my needs with hers when this happens. I'm already struggling, because we don't really have dates. I sometimes feel neglected.. not just sexually, but in other ways as well.
In terms of my wife... she'd be having sex with me, her girlfriend and her extra partner. Since she only has sex with me about once a fortnight, her girlfriend once every 1-2 weeks and wants to see her new person every week.... that makes me worry that I'll get pushed back even further...
I wonder if anyone has any advice?
Do you have a set amount of times a week, in general, you see secondary partners?
If your primary partners are feeling neglected, do you skip a week with your secondary?
Do you have less sex with your primary than your secondary, and if so, does that work ok for you?
Do you think it's acceptable for my wife to actively set time aside to go on dates/have sex with a play partner on a weekly basis, if she is not making time to have dates with us? Like I say, at current, her and I hardly do anything together without our daughter. When my wife goes out, I look after our daughter.
Thank you for your help and I hope I don't sound like a complete sex-obsessed @asshole... :-s
But "sex" -- make sure it's expanded enough, ok? Not just all about PIV. Sometimes we're too tired for full on PIV or a full on scene. Mutual masturbation will do. Or shoot, just WATCH while I drive and fly solo. It's time for sexual intimacies as opposed to time for specific sex acts like penis-into-vagina.
There where times with a newborn that the urge was there but the exhaustion of parenting killed the energy. We'd lay in the dark and just talk/think dirty. "Oh, you better PRAY to the skies and thank them I'm this pooped. If I wasn't so tired you'd be in SERIOUS trouble! I'd grab you and..."
It was fun sexual intimacy and bridged the gap to the next interlude where hopefully energy was a bit better. The babies and toddlers will grow up and it will get better on the night time parenting so you don't have to keep getting up to tend to diapers and things. Hang in there.
It seems to me that the priorities at home need to be straightened out before other partners are added. And yes, you guys most certainly need to schedule regular dates!
Well, first of all, for me I find that sexual desire/need isn't a gauge that gets filled when I have sex, no matter the partner. Having a new partner won't make me want less sex with existing partners, and actually might make me want my existing partners more.
Why? Because sexual desire for me is based on trust, on how well our relationship is going, on how in love I feel. And for my partners to be fine with me having a new partner makes this existing relationship more precious, with more trust, and more love.
While I can't know if she works the same way I do, it's a possibility, and in that case "your" sex wouldn't be cut down, but stay the same or possibly increase.
That's the first thing. Now, for the date, I don't think it's fair of her to want regular date with a new partner, but dismisses the idea of having them with you. Obviously, if she has time she does, so she should have time for you, too. It's possible she wants regular dates with him and not you because of NRE, but still, I believe dates with just you and her would be very good for your relationship and add to your intimacy, regardless of whether sex happens or not. I definitely think she should take care of established relationship as well, not just the new one.
You need to maintain the romance and the love, and dates are important even when you are parents, maybe even especially when you are parents, so you can get out of the house and the stress linked to parenting... Provided someone can take care of your kid, of course.
Thank you for all the help so far.
Since my wife's girlfriend moved in, four months ago, my wife has done a lot of things with her because she wanted to show her around the new city and also probably a bit of NRE (even though they've been together for over a year, they had a LDR until now).
During that time, my wife's girlfriend has offered very openly to look after our daughter. She is like a second mom to her and truly wonderful.
However, my wife says that she doesn't want to 'force' time with me and wants it to be natural.
In terms of sex, my wife's girlfriend has literally at times said "I'll look after baby - just seriously go and have some fun in the bedroom".
I said that I'd ideally like the following situation for my wife:
- One date a fortnight with me
- One date a fortnight with girlfriend
- One date a fortnight with sub boy lover
Every week would be great, but obviously we aren't all made of money and time, so it might be overkill.
She basically thinks that a date with her new boy once every fortnight is not often enough. She wants to train him and work with him in terms of BDSM and craves D/s sex that cannot be offered at home.
So let's say it comes to this... she's seeing him every week. Sleeping with him 4 times a month.
She sleeps with me 2 times in that month. And her gf maybe 3 times.
When I tell her that for me, that isn't how I feel our primary relationship should be, she tells me to consider the love and intimacy we have, that surpasses sex.
So I wondered how you guys manage it and if in general, you at least balance the date nights out?
Sounds like you have a nice meta-rship with you wife's GF. That's good at least.
And if she wants a weekly date with sub, well then? Spend a weekly date with hubby and GF!
Mon -- DH
Tues -- family time, home care
Wed -- GF
Thurs -- family time, home care
Fri - Sub BF
Sat -- family time, home care
Sun - day of rest for all, church, whatever.
Hell, do two if the home care is up to par.
Mon - hubby
Tues - GF
Wed = Sub BF
Thurs = hubby
Friday = GF
Sat = Sub BF
Sun = day of rest for all, church whatever
Talk it out. Negotiate however your pattern works out best as your sweet spot in the polyship so that all needs (not just HER need for D/s) are being met at the happy medium. We all would LOVE the happy stellar stupdendous, but we can all be content at the happy medium. And that is ok. In fact, it can be great.
I have just worked out a schedule with my husband and boyfriend.
Week one and three...
Wednesday Bf with overnight stay
Thursday with bf before work.. Home with family afterwork
Fri Hubby date
Sat Hubby date
Week two and four
Mon Occassional overnight with Bf during summer
Fri, Sat, Sun At the bf's house 2 out of the 3 days.
I was having issues between hubby and myself about time spent away from home with my boyfriend. But when I wrote it out a schedule on paper for him. He realized that even though he felt like he has a short end of the stick this past week that he actually has me most of the time. My bf feels like that he is being heard too with his schedule.
I think the "forcing time" thing is kind of a cop-out.
I get it: you've been together for a while, you have a kid. There isn't as much excitement as there used to me. There is a routine. There might be less intimacy.
But it's a vicious circle. The less you date, etc, the less she'll feel like it. She's waiting to feel like she wants to do it with you, but she won't until it happens. I remember reading a study saying that while it's agreed people who are the closest years into their marriage still date regularly, they're close because they still date, not the other way around.
If she doesn't want to plan something, see if you can plan it with the GF and surprise her. Go to dinner and a movie, or even a show, or a class for something you both like. Try to spend time together in a non-matrimonial context. It's important for your relationship.
About the amount of sex, I believe it's not a competition, and sexual desire is unique. It just may be that with you, for your relationship, she feels twice a month is the right amount. Then forcing more would be a terrible idea, and preventing her from having more sex with other partners is probably a bad idea too. So I think I would focus on the quality of the sex instead. Try new things, or go back to doing things you did when your relationship was new. Could be sexual, like a sex act, could be romantic, like a massage or a bath together, you name it.
In the meantime, it seems contact helps a lot with intimacy. If she's not touch-repulsed, try and hug her often, caress her hair, arm, etc, kiss her... these little things can go a long way towards feeling appreciated.
The problem I had when I was in that situation was ...a) having to mention it... b) the forced dates....or obligatory dates....ok I'm here what do you want to do ... Wait hold that thought I just got a text....reading reading ..giggle giggle...ok what were you saying.
So my point is a schedule could help carve out time but that doesn't drive desire, excitement.....and its exsitents is to simulate equality.
Why not find a gf of your own .....the thought that by her adding partners will improve the frequency of you getting laid is crazy. In your opinion you're are already dissatisfied with that was that the case before opening up the marriage or after the gf? Either way it's not going to get better ...time is finite. 15 yrs of that.
Have you considered this option?
I feel that every married couple, poly or not, needs to have a weekly date night. It is crucial!
Sex doesn't have to happen during every date, but there needs to be time spent together where the two of you are focused on each other and not paying bills, parenting, or doing chores, etc. AND in polyamory, it's quite necessary that the spouse who is not going out and getting jiggy with other partners not be left at home with only scraps of romance tossed his or her way when the more active partner happens to squeeze in a little time.
I understand her wanting to keep things spontaneous with you, but it seems that right now your wife may not realize that she is treating you somewhat carelessly and taking you for granted. After the first couple of times you and she do go out on a designated date night, both of you will look forward to it every week and will really want to keep it going.
Note that one thing about date nights with your spouse is that it's an important rule they do not get broken or rescheduled except for a family emergency. A partner should not be swept aside for another, just because something really cool is coming up on a planned date night with someone else. Treat it as sacred - no texting or calling other partners when you're together. Crikey, your wife can get her jollies six other days a week.
I dated a married poly guy last year. Sunday was his day of the week to be with his wife and I respected that, never called him on Sundays. In addition, one major rule he and his wife had was that for every amount of time spent with a lover, they each had to spend equal time with each other. One week, after he had spent time with me, and she had spent time with one of her boyfriends, they got together and had a picnic in the woods, staring up at the stars in the back of their pick-up truck. He said there was a moment when they both looked at each other and sighed, "Yeah, this is what it's all about." They connected again, after a hectic week of socializing and, frankly, fucking other people. And it was the connection they needed as well as sexual intimacy.
If I were you, I would insist on weekly dates. If she doesn't want to give you that, she needs to pull back on spending so much time with other people. Otherwise, she's really not playing fair and that comes across as really bitchy, IMHO. You don't need to feel used and unappreciated. After you get a few more responses, you should invite her to read this thread.
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