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-   -   What I want out of polyamory :) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25309)

snowwhite 07-03-2012 08:25 PM

What I want out of polyamory :)
First and foremost, I want my loved ones to be happy.
I want to be happy.
I am not interested at this point in having sex with random people. I have done that before and it does not make me feel good inside. I prefer strong emotional bonds and friendships with people.
I want open and honest communication.
I want to be free to love whom I love, how I want to love them.
My kids and my family come first aside from going out and having fun.
I still want the opportunity to love and fulfill the needs of my "other" who is outside of the family.
I am not opposed to my "other" becoming part of my family.
I already feel as if my "other" is a part of me.
I want respect.
I want to give respect.
I want to be fulfilled.
I want my partners to be fulfilled.
I want ground rules.
I want to know what I have already invested in my current relationships, love, time, energy, finances, status, etc.....is not going to be interrupted if my partner or my "other" find others.

What would I do or how would I want it to be if me and my "others" agreed to a poly relationship like we have all been dancing around and talking about?

Ground Rules:
1 Kids come first.
2 Be honest.
3 We all have "talk time" together.
4 My family and I will continue to live together and share our lives and finances and everything will be equal as it has been.
5 Going out with others will be planned and scheduled.
6 Bringing everyone to the table to talk and know that everyone is ok with the situation is essential.
7 I don't think I would want to know the details of a sexual experience personally, but I would want to know if one occurred, I would give the same respect.
8 ALWAYS USE PROTECTION! Even if I am having sex with my "primary". We don't want diseases or surprises!
9 Always keep everyone in the loop about how you are feeling.
10 It would be dumb and selfish to assume that my "others" wouldn't develop feelings for someone else as well. As long as everyone is honest about the situation, it's ok. You have my blessing. I want you to be happy because I love you :)

This is just kind of a rant. Me and my "others" are in the infancy of the poly thing. Does this seem like a good thing to go by? We are slowly working this out, one day at a time, baby steps. :)

pdxmamabear 07-03-2012 09:58 PM

thank you
It's my first time here on this forum and this is beautiful! I could have written this. It's such a difficult process to develop ground rules. I think this world be a great exercise for everyone, answering the question what you want from polyamory.

nyjm 07-04-2012 12:08 AM


Originally Posted by pdxmamabear (Post 142033)
It's my first time here on this forum and this is beautiful! I could have written this. It's such a difficult process to develop ground rules. I think this world be a great exercise for everyone, answering the question what you want from polyamory.

QFT. Fanastic manifesto, snow. I'm going keep this in my pocket.

NovemberRain 07-04-2012 12:25 AM

snowwhite, that's just fabulous. Great starting point. Thank you so much for sharing it. I've copied, edited for ME, and saved. :)

GalaGirl 07-04-2012 12:40 AM

Sounds good to me on the emotional front

The only thing I'd add would by my polysaturation point, and then the rights & responsibilities framework, and the conflict resolution framework.

Everyone sign off and we're good to go.


nycindie 07-05-2012 04:10 PM

Good stuff. Just for funsies, you may enjoy reading what other people want out of their poly relationships, and about their successes, in a few other threads. Feel free to add your story to whichever thread applies to you:

Imagine your ideal relationship.

Solo poly people - what's your ideal?

Poly Vignettes: Sharing Success & Happiness

butterflywaterfall 07-05-2012 11:05 PM

This is absolutely great! Thank you for posting :)

sparklepop 07-05-2012 11:17 PM

I think this is wonderful!

I've been poly for 16 months. A while ago, I was in a mono/poly relationship for a time too.

I'm definitely no seasoned expert - hahaha... I'm a baby too! But everything you're saying here is how we're trying to operate 16 months down the road.

In the beginning, we just had the general notion of "our hearts are limitless" "love and be free"... and not a lot else.. hahaha.. We also hated the thought of guidelines and restrictions... that got us into trouble fast. It's great that you've got yours down.

The four main things that poly is about for me are:
  • am I capable of being with others, whilst still maintaining my love for my primary?
  • am I emotionally capable of nurturing my primary whilst I am active with others?
  • am I aware of my own polysaturation point? can I balance effectively?
  • am I capable of dealing with my own insecurity whilst my partner is active?

We have our own guidelines too. Things like: we prefer to meet our primary's secondaries before they have sex. Pick secondaries who are good with poly and respectful. Safe sex is a must, as is testing. Ideally no sex on first date.

You definitely sound like you're up for a lot of communicating! That's great!

Some random things I've learnt, if these help you:

> decide together - one person ready to start dating? it's nice to ask if everyone else is ready for it
> be flexible - decide whether your extra poly activities are *needed* or *wanted*. If they're just wanted, can you wait a bit if your other lovers need extra time?
> damage limitation - it's important to nurture before poly activity happens, rather than just afterwards
> will you have a veto rule? if you don't like a partner of your partner, will that be a problem?
> timeline - dating can proceed to action fast! especially at first! what are your guidelines? will you all want to meet each other before sex happens? how will you want to be told the first time they sleep together?
> progress - if one year from now, one lover is still feeling more jealousy than other, try not to judge them. For us, jealousy isn't something that disappears with time - it just becomes something that becomes easier for us all to understand.
> polysaturation - how much can you manage before you hit your limit? how much can your other partners handle?

Poly is wonderful, but be ready for unique stress, mistakes, forgotten guidelines, hiccups and grey areas! All of these help you to learn what works. It's really difficult to know until it happens.

If you are the hinge in your V (i.e. you have two lovers that aren't romantically involved with each other) you may find it challenging at times to deal with two sets of emotions. So always make time for yourself, as well as your lovers and family :)

Poly is a very fun adventure and all kinds of surprises pop up!

Have fun!

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