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-   -   Hoe long does NRE last in a long distance relationship? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25236)

SunsetMan 07-02-2012 07:35 AM

Hoe long does NRE last in a long distance relationship?
My long time GF (we just called off the wedding, postponed to a later/unknown date) is starting a relationship with a man who lives over 5 hours away. Im not thrilled but I cant really blame her because my divorce isn't final yet. (6-8 weeks from now it should be)

NRE is causing me quite a bit of grief... and rather than try to work out something that stifle their relationship, I think I might be better off to just endure it if I can.

How long can I expect NRE (New relationship energy) to last if they only see each other once every 4-6 weeks?

CielDuMatin 07-02-2012 03:03 PM

Different folks are different in this. For me, when I had an LDR where I spent a weekend away once a month with her, it lasted about 2 years.

SunsetMan 07-02-2012 05:12 PM

Actually, I'm just talking about NRE, not the LDR as a whole.

Right now she's pretty gung-ho to have a relationship with this guy while I finalize my divorce, which should be said and done in 6-8 weeks. In that time, I see them hooking up at least twice more and texting/chatting online daily. I've agreed to back off and let them figure things out.

Truth be told, they're not 100% compatible and I think they need time to see that, which is why I'd like to know how long NRE normally lasts.

She's going to stop blocking me emotionally, open back up to me. We're self-professed soulmates, in a deep and understanding love... I stuck with her through her exploring this relationship with this other guy and continue to do so. When my divorce IS final, at some point after that... then she's going to try to shift me back to primary and really re-invent a relationship with me without the spectre of my marriage still over our heads.

We just have so much together. Compatible in every way and our lives are intertwined.

I equated my divorce to labour pains. It hurts to be with me b/c I'm still married, but when that's done, then she gets this wonderful gift and life that we've never been able to fully explore. And that my divorce (the slowness of it) is hurting me, too. And that me, being the thing that she gets at the end of said labour pains... is not causing the pain.

I really don't know about me equating myself to a baby :P but it sorta fits.

ThatGirlInGray 07-02-2012 05:26 PM

CdM meant that the NRE lasted 2 years, not the entire relationship.

I'm in a LDR where we've only spent about a month together total over the past 2 and a half years (a week every 4-5 months). The NRE refreshes itself each time we get to see each other in person again, but it dies off more quickly with each visit.

So you can't "expect" anything, with every person and every relationship being different, but if they're only seeing each other every 4-6 weeks it's very unrealistic to expect the NRE to wear off by the time your divorce is final in 6-8 weeks.

SunsetMan 07-02-2012 05:28 PM

I'm beginning to see what you mean by NRE, my initial understanding was that it lasted weeks maybe months.

I guess we'll see what happens. *cry*

ThatGirlInGray 07-02-2012 05:51 PM

NRE is no excuse to throw you to the side, though. Anyone experiencing NRE has a responsibility to any partners they already have to make an effort not to become completely engulfed in all the new, fun feelings. NRE is not license to ignore or neglect partners, family, or even friends.

Asking her to manage her NRE, to be responsible and find a balance between the two of you, is not "stifling" anything. It's asking her to be a mature grown-up who deals with the realities of being poly.

Tonberry 07-02-2012 06:46 PM

NRE typically lasts between a few months and a couple of years.
However even if it turns out to be on the short side, I would advise against bottling up and hiding how you feel. Talking about it doesn't necessarily mean you will limit their relationship. It's possible that instead, you will figure out things to do about YOUR relationship that will make the NRE tolerable to you, because you won't feel as neglected.

I think you should mention it, not in an accusatory way, but in a "hey, I have these feelings, what should we do about it?" way.

SunsetMan 07-02-2012 08:31 PM


NRE is no excuse to throw you to the side, though. Anyone experiencing NRE has a responsibility to any partners they already have to make an effort not to become completely engulfed in all the new, fun feelings.
Right, that's how I feel. Mitigating factor: I've been dragging her through shit for 2.5 years trying to get my divorce finalized. About a year ago she started to block me without realizing it and expanded a friendship with a mutual online acquaintence. 5 weeks ago, I got the bombshell that she's got feelings and wants to see where it goes.

She's been hurting for a long time, fighting depression... seemingly overcoming it and reclaiming some self-respect.... but with that, came the bravery to back away from me and engage the other man in an LDR. (begrudingly, with my permission... b/c I wasn't really left a viable choice) She saw him alone for the first time in a planned trip this past weekend and did have sex.

I hoped it woulnd't come to that, but that's the reality of today. I clawed myself up pretty good in a fit of grief and anger. :(

We talked, and we're taking a break until I am divorced. We'll be roommates, hide the truth from friends and family... then sometime shortly after I am divorced, she agreed that she will back things off with him... and give her and I a chance to re-invent our relationship.

The divorce has been a HUGE obstacle, for her especially... that cannot be understated. I have high hopes that once she realizes that their compatibility is limited and takes a week or two away from constant contact from him, she'll realize what it is that I mean to her... when and only when I am actually free to get married. (we called off/delayed the wedding before she left)

We're either heading for a break-up (we're talking huge end of the world soul-crushing news for me) or... as we've done once before.... a re-inventing of ourselves into a better/stronger thing.

Hmm, I think in order to accomplish that, first I have to identify and quash my insecurities. Time for a new thread.

CielDuMatin 07-02-2012 08:59 PM


Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 141840)
CdM meant that the NRE lasted 2 years, not the entire relationship.

Exactly. The relationship lasted just short of 4 years.

And I agree with others - NRE is uncomfortable to deal with, but it shouldn't just be an excuse for ignoring existing relationships. Your needs and wants should be met, even though the mushy, gooey way folks are acting might be an annoyance....

Jade 07-02-2012 10:43 PM

Distance can make the NRE last longer, because the opportunities to "burn it out" are so limited. I've gone 3 years and some months before NRE related hypersensitivity started wearing off.

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