A new exploration... :)
I kinda wanted to journal about this anyway, but I am still closeted, and this way I can have feedback too! I will warn however, I am TERRIBLE at keeping blogs and journals so there might be a cliffhanger lol!
I am going out with S tomorrow night. This will be my first time seeing him in person since coming out to my husband, and S. When S and I met before it was under strict rules. Limited touching, and I wasn't to show him loving affection. I wasn't allowed to be a girlfriend. It was strictly to get him comfortable enough to come to bed with us.
I'm going to backtrack and tell you a little about S. He is a handsom man, in my eyes anyway. He's about my height, blond, soft. He has amazing blue eyes, and long eyelashes. Others would first notice he's not thin fit and trim, but not overweight and that he is balding. None of this bothers me. I can't stop being caught in his eyes. He used to be in the Army, but has been out a while and claims to have earned himself an exercise break. I couldn't agree more.
He's very withdrawn, and does not like to share about himself. What little I can get him to say shows me he's a honorable man who cares very much for his family, and has made himself their protector. He kind of acts like a bad ass, but I can see the softness in his eyes. He seems to hold everyone else out at a distance though.
He is a big talker. I think a lot of it is to fill the silence. I don't mind, it makes me laugh. I also know he is a gamer, and fairly passionate about baseball.
The first time we went out I was very nervous. I had never met him in person, it was kind of a strange situation. But he makes me laugh, and I calmed quickly. I took him down to my favorite place on the river. He complained we had to walk through a bookstore lol.
We watched a movie. We shared an armrest in the theater, honestly by accident, but when our arms touched I didn't want to move. I felt the heat between us, I wanted to touch more, but I was bound by rules. So I didn't. We whispered commentary to eachother and laughed the whole time.
On the way back, we talked a lot in the car. About everything, and a lot about you know. The sex arrangement. He had questions, I answered them all even though I was just as lost as he was. This was new to me too.
As I am driving home I had to stop for drinks. I answered texts from my husband, who instructed me to kiss him. It made me giggle and we sent some dirty texts. S raised and eyebrow, but I told him he really didn't want to know lol.
When I got back to his house, we sat in the car and talked for a great length more. I wanted to kiss him, I had permission, I knew he wanted it too, but no one knew what to do. Finally he was about to leave, I was losing my chance, I went into auto pilot and just grabbed him, pulled him back and kissed him. He was a little surprised, but returned the same. After a little of that we discussed the wierd feelings of it, but that we were okay with it. He asked when he could come home with me. I laughed, and told him the following weekend.
I couldn't wrap my head around doing all that, liking it, and being allowed to do it. DH was in no way jealous, but extremely turned on by it and we made love. I spent the week processing, and smiling, and blushing.
S came over the following weekend, but he wasn't himself. In the presence of my husband he was afraid to even speak, and I know it was the rules. My husband is a large man, S didn't want to make him angry. We watched a movie, played games together, then finally went for it. S was unable to perform under the pressure and nervousness.
At that moment I realized how deep I was in. I felt terrible for S, and had the urge to hold him and comfort him, but it was against the rules. I stroked his shoulder softly and whispered it was okay, but stopped myself. It was a frustrating moment.
The confession to my husband came that week. It was difficult, I thought this would have to be over. But much to my surprise, he said he had a feeling I was that way and it was totally okay. We had a lenghty discussion about it. About boundaries, safety and such. We finally agreed that we wanted this mutually. Talk about HUGE sigh of relief!
The next part was notifying S of the rule change. Things had been awkward since last weekend. I didn't know how to tell him, with out freaking him out a little. He had already expressed to me he didn't understand the sharing, and that he didn't share. The original grounds were no emotional relationship as well, but now that is different.
I had to do some explaining, but S got it. He admitted to finding it odd, but accepted it. He asked "So. We can boink now??" I told him only if he swore never to use the word boink again, and it lead into a playful back and forth about it. I don't like the word, but I hate to say it's almost cute coming from him.
He's a guy I can see having an emotional relationship with, but I am not sure that's an option. He doesn't like to share women, or feelings. I have a feeling this will just be a fuckbuddy type thing, and for now that is okay. He had high walls up when the rules said he couldn't treat me like a girlfriend, but now that is different so maybe that will go away? I don't know until I see him. I can't read how he's feeling in text.
I can live with fuckbuddy, but if that's all their is I think what I do feel will wear off eventually. For now though, I love his touch. Maybe he won't be so reserved about HOW he touches me now. We'll see tomorrow night!
(I just straight typed this. No proofreading, no editing, just wrote as the thought came out so it is what it is. :) )
Hehehehe. "Boink" might be a dealbreaker for me too:p
lmao yeah, but sadly it's growing on me. He said he's going to put the sexy back in boink. Then I started thinking about Justin Timberlake and everything gets fuzzy from there... :D
So he cancelled. I suspect it's probably some kind of intimacy aversion. 4/5 times he's had an excuse. Let's see, helping grandma, sick cats twice, and a migraine. I don't think I am putting anymore energy into it regardless.
Yay me, I get to go out alone!!!!! :-/
Okay I have been short on time to write, and a lot has happened this week. But it is all very interesting! lol!
When S cancelled last Saturday I was done. I did give it one more chance, he again cancelled, blah blah he said he was sorry for being a jerk blah blah not worth my time, come back to me with your big boy pants on. :)
So that night I asked an old friend (call him B), whom I dated once, but have zero romantic interest in. I mean seriously, I didn't even have romantic interest in him when I dated him... mom made me... But we had not talked in years so I invited him along. Before I left another ex (call him C), whom I do still care about a lot, Okay yes I love him still, messaged that he was down. He and his girlfriend broke up, so I invited him out B and I to cheer him up.
Well once on the road, I came out to the both of them feeling they were people I could trust. I also told them that I am not actively looking for another relationship, but that I did plan on enjoying myself and talking to guys. Silly me, take two ex boyfriends to pick up guys! Hahaha
Instead B assumed "poly" and "Available" were interchangeable terms and spent the night getting touchy with me. Stepping away, swatting his hands, and even the death glare did not deter him. C stepped in, because he is still an awesome friend, and played alpha male for me and kept B at bay. I was very grateful. Later C apologized, explaining that he knows I am no longer his to protect. He said it was just an instinct or a habit to want to. I let him know that I was in no way upset by it, and that I liked that he still felt the need to protect me.
B is fun to hang out with, but I do not think he can handle platonic friends... I am supposed to join a canoeing group with him this Sunday, but I refuse to go without a third person whom I know (there will be plenty I don't know there) to act as a buffer for me.
So at any rate I managed to have fun anyway that night. We went to a bar with a house cover band, it was pretty neat. C and I had a good time reconnecting.
Later in the weekend I was talking to DH about how much fun it was to go out, and that I wanted to do it more. I told him I don't think you can go out actively looking for love, but that I wanted to just meet a few new guys to go out with, have fun, then that is that. When the power went out most of the day last Sunday (not yesterday) we decided to entertain ourselves with a dating app. My expectation was to find some guys I would enjoy spending an evening with, and that would be it. I am a stay at home mother of 3 under 5. I want to go out! lol, but not alone. :D
I actually got messages from hundreds, but only a couple dozen local, and only a few to be people I thought I would get along with. DH was jealous (playfully) he only found one that would talk to him lol! Poor hunny. :) He does have a girl he is talking to from work though, and he likes her a lot. He is happy with that.
Well I talk to a few guys on the app. Yeah its fun to have dozens of men telling you how beautiful you are, way to boost an ego! I feel like a freaking rock star lol. All is well and good until I come across this absolutely adorable marine. Who can say no to a man in uniform??? He looks fun to talk to, so I do.
Turns out He and I (call him R) really connect. We have similar tastes in everything, and practically the same sense of humor. Immediately I find myself talking to him a lot and laughing, and even sharing some of my past trauma with him. R is very caring and feels the same connection. We agree to meet this weekend.
R actually lives 1.5 drive from me. R is TOTALLY worth the drive! Upon meeting him I find that it would be very easy for me to fall hard for R. That was not what I was looking for, so it really caught me by surprise. He's very outgoing, and a little damn social butterfly. He's very funny, but also very acute in sensing how I am feeling. Whenever I felt a little unsure he was very reassuring. I watched him play a pool tournament (okay, maybe I distracted him while he played haha) which everyone swears had to be boring. I really actually enjoyed watching him do something he was passionate about. I wasn't watching the game, I was watching him.
He is very serious about it, because he's very good at the game. He circled the table examining everything intently, occasionally looking up and smiling at me. Sometimes very serious, sometimes marching around the table swinging his pool cue like a goober. It really did amuse me, I like watching him. And who can argue with getting the attention of a cute marine between shots and games? Didn't think so.
And R is cute. He is built exactly like my husband. 6 feet tall, 220 pounds, he's a broad man but it's muscle. Not show muscle like the gym guys, real muscle. He has a very soft face, and it betrays his tough front. He's got a dimple square in the middle of his chin and its cute. He has bright blue eyes, but not quite as blue as mine. I like being near him. I usually don't allow anyone to touch me on a first date, with very few exceptions. (Those being my husband and C) I allow R to touch me. I want him to touch me. I enjoy it very much.
He ends up losing the tournament. He knows everyone in the bar, anytime he left me alone for the moment the other guys would come tell me how beautiful I was and how great R was. After he lost the tournament they were laughing telling me I must have distracted him because he is much better than that.
When that is all done, I tell him since now I have his full attention we are going somewhere else. We go out for wings. Yep right off the bat he found my weakness for hot wings. I don't normally eat in front of anyone on a first date, but R makes me comfortable and I love wings! R definitely eats like a service man. Nothing I am not used to, DH was in the army. It's kind of charming in a way.
R and I really connect well. But he has a warning I find unfavorable. He tells me he is not looking to hurt anyone, or get hurt. He also tells me that if we form a relationship, that it will probably end if he finds a girl that is not okay with it. I am a little sad because in my head I would love to keep R around for a very long time. I explain to him that what he tells me wasn't anything I didn't expect, and not to worry about what might happen tomorrow. Just enjoy the here and now, what we have while we have it. I also tell him I will never intentionally hurt anyone, and that I am a big girl. I can take care of myself.
I don't want to leave R that night, and I can tell he feels the same. But it was 2:30 am, we were both tired, and I still had to drive an hour and a half home.
I loved every minute of being with him. I loved every minute of him holding me (which again, is a bit unusual for me on e a first date). I like R, and he even shows interest in DH asking lots of questions about him and even asking for a picture of him. He comments that he thinks he would get along well with DH, that is VERY encouraging. He also says he likes me a lot, and he wishes there was a clone of me he could have. That makes me a little sad. Why a clone when he can have ME? C told me the same thing earlier this week...
I can't wait to see R again. DH very much approves of him, and that makes me soooo happy! I decided to make him a luck charm, since I feel a teeny bit bad my distraction caused him to lose the tournament. Its a 6 strand flat braided bracelet in the marine corps colors, and I made a wire cross charm for it. It really is more manly than it sounds. I sent him a picture, and he like it. I told him "Good, that means I get to see you again if you want it." :) He also said it wasn't fair the braclet got to be with my all week (I am wearing it until I give it to him) and he didn't.
I hope he lets me come back this weekend. His schedule is funny, so it's a big maybe.
Okay whew that was a lot! But there is more, and I will keep it short. DH's girl. Call her P.
IDK if I trust P. Some of the things she says don't line up. But more information came out this week that does explain it all. I will go into more detail another time. She wants to meet me, I decided to allow it. DH says she is just like me. *shrug* sure why not. I do think she is cute too, and she finds me attractive. I will try not to make judgement until I meet her. :) If this is all true and I like her as much as DH says I will, it will be the first REAL girl I have been attracted to. All the others were unattainable or imaginary lol.
okay I'm done for now lol.
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