Past, present and future convoluted. Past needing to have greater understanding created, forgiveness and healing. Present needing to be understood and not mixed up with the past. Future, obviously, yet to be determined in it's entirety, created for the good of all.
Finding it extremely difficult to hash through and heal from the past, express myself in the present to move on and create a future that is good for both my husband and I.
My mind is not the same since my nervous break down last year and the cause of it. There are words I've commonly used that I cannot retrieve easily, many times depending on dictionary.com and its thesaurus. Always I had the ability to form thoughts while forming others, retaining them and express them fluently, in order, making complete sense, written or to whom I'm sharing them with. Daily life is a chore in which it is difficult for me to prioritize properly. I've come a long way since, considering I could not speak for several weeks, let alone dress by myself. Many times I've come here in the past couple of weeks, to write, share or comment ultimately cancelling it. I even posted a new thread of 6 entries and I deleted it after reading it a few times over a few days, realizing it didn't make much sense.
Here I am... "coming out"... opening discussions with the man I've loved for 25 years concerning highly emotional subjects, that I am a polyamorous person, something he did not choose. Courageous, standing strong yet broken and fragile.
Creating the life I dream of, embracing and expressing myself in entirety seems an impassable mountain. I've thought so many times over the past couple of days about giving up, it's too much for me, too much for him. To just sinking back into the reality of the life I created that I no longer fit into, pushing the "should" autopilot button to Me 1 and leaving Me 2 oppressed and yearning.
And how dare I, expect to involve another in my life... seems to me I need to have my "house in order"... that makes sense but is it reality? How could I expect another man to involve himself with me, knowing that I have a husband who is still coming to terms with me. How will my husband be able to come to terms with it unless I move forward? When is it right? I believe that once there are three, hubby will see me working in my truth, in my wholeness and love me even more. Being free... allowing me to love more. I just don't know how to get there, and from where I stand now, it really does seem improbable and I don't deserve it.
"... [I] don't deserve it."
Call bullshit on that right away. People deserve to find the love they need. You deserve it. Too many of us settle for way too little.
Perhaps not expecting too much too fast would be good. It's hard for me to be patient and let things happen but that's the way it goes in my life: slowly.
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