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-   -   She'd be dating him, if only he was female (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25160)

persephone 06-29-2012 02:24 AM

She'd be dating him, if only he was female
My male partner, D, started seeing a female acquaintance of both of ours, M, several months ago. I have always liked M and was happy at the idea of D having a potential relationship with her. When we first met M, she was in a serious relationship with a woman, but told us that she identified as bisexual and used to be married to a man. The relationship with M's girlfriend ended last October. M still misses her, I know.

D and M went out on several dates together a few months ago and it went very well, I heard. They were not sexual together, her choice, but I believe there were some passionate kissing sessions. Then, M suddenly was much less available to see D, pleading work reasons, kid reasons. A month and a half went by, with D trying to make plans with M and M always being too "busy" to see him. Then M invited me to an all-female event and I hung out with her one on one for the first time. During the course of that evening, she referred to herself as a lesbian at least three times. I suggested to her the first time that her being a lesbian didn't make much sense because she was dating D, who is male. After that evening, I told D what M had said about her sexual orientation and told him that I thought that M was gay, not bi, just in denial about it.

That was almost two months ago and D has not had anything resembling a date with M this whole time except for a quick dinner when M was headed to the airport and D was on her way, even though I know he's repeatedly asked to see her. They email at length, and talk on the phone, but she doesn't make plans with him. M recently admitted to him that she has started dating a woman, someone she met recently, plus she hinted at dating other women too, but did not provide details.

M is now insisting that she DOES want to date D, does really like him, does want to have a romantic relationship with him, just isn't quite "ready" yet, isn't over her past partner yet. She also says she wants a girlfriend in her life before she considers having a boyfriend.

I believe that if one isn't over one's past partner enough to consider a new relationship, that should apply to all potential partners, not just certain ones. I think that M is playing games with D, and that he's being marginalized in her life solely because of his gender.

D is confused and frustrated and doesn't know what to think.

What do you folks think?

Tonberry 06-29-2012 06:54 AM

Sexuality can fluctuate. I have known bi people who at some point in their lives only felt up to dating a specific gender or the other.

If she has described herself has a lesbian recently, it's possible that right now she's only feeling attracted to women. However, it's also possible that, having been attracted to males in the past, she feels that she might again later, so she's giving herself time.

It's also possible that she was gay all along. I'm just adding a new possibility here.

Either way, there isn't much D can do but wait and not expect anything. If she wants to go back to him, she will, and if he wants that too, great.

persephone 06-29-2012 10:10 AM

Thanks, Tonberry. If M. is only into women right now, that's fine. D would be disappointed but he'd survive. But she isn't being honest with D about that, if that is the case. She says she IS attracted to him, both physically and romantically, then says she isn't ready to date him at present because she's getting over someone, all the while dating multiple women.

I feel like M is trying to keep D available for her in case she does decide she wants to go forward with him down the road. Meanwhile, he has been putting a lot of time into maintaining the connection with M and not been focusing much on another new relationship he has that looks much more promising (the woman in that case is already a good friend, and definitely into him).

Tonberry 06-29-2012 11:01 AM

MMh, that does sound shabby. Although, is she getting over a man? Maybe, if that's the case, she doesn't feel up to dating another man but she feel comfortable with women. Still, it does sound like she isn't being honest with him.

persephone 06-29-2012 11:07 AM

No, she's getting over a woman. The timetable is, M was married to a man for a long time, and left him for a woman, was with her for two years, and then that relationship ended too. She calls herself bi (most of the time), and claims to be very interested in my male partner D, but has him on indefinite hold as a romantic partner, while she's dating women.

km34 06-29-2012 04:46 PM

I think she's stringing him along. Purposefully or accidentally, I don't know.

My advice to D: Call her out on it. Tell her how her behavior affects you and see what she says. She may not be aware of how confusing it is to others to see how she is acting. Maybe she is really confused about her sexuality. Maybe she thought she was into you, then realized she is only interested in women at this point and thinks it would be easier on you if she just makes excuses instead of being honest with you about it. Maybe she is really into you but doesn't think the relationship dynamic you could offer her is what she wants right now. Who knows? If you can't get a straight answer out of her and there is no ending to this in sight, I would cut my losses and focus my energy elsewhere. If she decides she interested and ready to pursue something, gauge where you're at then. Don't hold out hope for something that may never come, though.

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