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-   -   It sort of just evolved into this, and I'm trying not to hate it (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2516)

Trying 04-15-2010 10:15 PM

It sort of just evolved into this, and I'm trying not to hate it
A 5-6 months ago I met this really awesome guy and we clicked immediately and it became obvious quickly that we liked each other.

At first he really, really want to date me and to be boyfriend & girlfriend to be "official."

I was extremely hesitant and kept saying no because I come from a christian background and he is not a christian; I had to work through my feelings on that and come to a conclusion about what exactly I believed and which choice was more worth it.

eventually, my choice became yes... I like him a lot and want to be with him despite any religious differences. i was and still am in the process of re-evaluating my religious beliefs anyway.

But here's the kicker... around the same time I decided & realized that i really did want to be with him and be in a serious relationship with him, he came to the realization that a serious relationship wasn't right for him and he just wanted to be able to see different people and not necessarily be tied down to any one person.

It was a little hard to take, but I understood since I had been in the same place previously, where i wasn't sure about entering a relationship with him (and for the most part with anybody, I haven't dated anyone since 8th grade actually)...

what he didn't tell me though, and what took a few weeks and few serious conversations to find out was that

1. while he had gone home for christmas, he had started to develop feelings for an old friend of us
2. he'd been talking to her since he got back
3. he liked both of us equally and for different reasons

he's always saying that she can't replace me, and I can't replace her.

this all was extremely, extremely painful to discover. I like him a LOT and he is the only person I have ever liked or connected with to this degree. if you knew me as a person you'd understand how special he is to me.

I absolutely hated the fact that I was no longer the only girl he was interested in. hated it. because I saw what we have as being so special, and I couldn't believe that he could possibly have anything similar with someone else at the **same time.**

I was very hurt and we actually didn't talk to each other for two weeks because it was so painful for me to have to share him with anyone else.

After two weeks I finally couldn't stand not talking to him, because like I said I like him so much, and we started hanging out again. What had got me to feel better was that repeated "she can't replace you." He missed me, y'know? and I missed him.

The reality of his interest in another girl still bothered me sometimes. My consolation for a while, though, was "well, at least he didn't have sex with her." She also lives on the other side of the country, so he's only able to see me in person.

But then... we got into another discussion and I found that he had indeed had sex with her. We hadn't had sex yet, which again stems from my christian beliefs. I was still a virgin. this made me feel like she suddenly had a one-up on me.

This time I didn't only get sad or hurt, but I got angry. It was nearly uncontrollable. He was staying the night and as soon as he fell asleep I got out of bed and went to the living room and stayed up till 4am, just being so angry and frustrated and hurt.

but I still wanted to be with him, because the good times with him were worth it...

and eventually we finally had sex(if you're thinking I had sex with him because she did, that's not true, I had sex for reasons of personal growth and because, like I've said, I really like him). I lost my virginity to him, so I guess in some ways I am now even a little bit more attached to him. Not because of sex but because now there is another dynamic to explore with him and to me that is also very special. he's had sex many times before with previous girlfriends, so I suppose to him it's not as special or new to him... but to me it is. That was a couple weeks ago that we started having sex.

He's been busy & stressed in the last month or so, so he's been distant and it's hard to find time to spend with him. This, because of the other girl, has made me paranoid at times and very, very insecure. I'm constantly afraid that he likes her more, that she can please him more, that they have something more special than we do... especially considering that theirs is a long-distance relationship, which means in order to keep up that relationship they have to communicate and talk and share things on an intellectual level, which because he was so busy, I haven't been able to get from him.

and the worst part for me is.... even though she lives on the other side of the country, she flew down here yesterday and is currently staying at his house until April 21st (a week).

this means

1. she's here
2. she gets to sleep in his bed and cuddle with him at night and kiss him and have sex with him
3. they're spending some time together

also lately I have been voicing my frustrations more often, which is straining our relationship and making him frustrated with me. This means, to me, that they are probably having a much happier time especially considering that they haven't seen each other since december. She's probably also more mature than I am and is not acting insecure and begging for attention the way that I have begun doing, because I always feel like I am not getting the amount of attention/affection that I want. I just feel like he likes her better or is relieved to see her instead of me because we are having problems.

we've talked about this many times, and frequently I think "alright, I can be ok with this kind of open relationship" but then i always circle back to being frustrated and angry.

ESPECIALLY now that she's here and she's a reality and not just some far-away untouchable threat.

I try to say well, he's not my boyfriend, I'm the one who came back knowing he's still involved with her, maybe it's just like if he was hanging out with friends who are girls (his best friend is a girl and I have no problem with that and I'm not threatened by it)...

but sometimes it just makes me sick to think that he is having sex with her, or being affectionate towards her, or laughing with her, or having interesting conversations with her, or any number of the special things we share.

and don't get me wrong... I do not think polyamory is wrong. I'm just having a very difficult time with it emotionally, and I would love nothing more than for us to be in a monogamous relationship and for me to be the ONLY one he likes.

But he's mentioned before that he is happy liking more than one person, and he's always had horrible monogamous relationships and always feels trapped in them.

I want him to be happy, but it just hurts so much because I want him to myself.

and you know? I might be ok with him having the occasional hook-up, or him having deep friendly relationships with anyone, but for him to hold up another person to the same type of relationship as me, for him to see us at the same level of affection and attraction and devotion.... it hurts, as much as I want to understand and to support his lifestyle choice and be OK with sharing him.... it's as if my heart can't take it, even if my brain can.

i don't want to give him up or to ruin what we have between us, but i also don't want to force him into something that would make him unhappy.

but... originally I had thought it was just me, even if we weren't in a serious relationship.... I want to be the only one he feels this way about.

any advice? has anybody else had to deal with jealousy in this way? Has anyone else been in my position? Or even his position and can tell me how you felt about one of your partners hating/despising the other? She is honestly the only person I have ever nearly hated, because in my mind it seems to me that she is taking something special away from me.

the last thing i want to do is break-up with him, and I wish whole-heartedly that he would somehow stop liking her, or that she would stop liking him, or anything like that... or that he would decide maybe this wasn't the right path for him.

but you can't ever change another person, y'know? He is who he is.

Do you think that I am someone who can only be monogamous? Or do you think I, or anyone else, have the capability to be happy in a polyamorous/non-exclusive relationship?

I just want to be at peace when I'm not with him, y'know? I want to not feel so angry.

and I know that once she's back on the other side of the country and not here, not in his arms, I will feel much better and more secure knowing it's just me he can touch and create good memories with and they can only talk. That was what kept me calm before, and it's only now that she's HERE and with him that I am once again extremely unsettled.

I just want to be with him.

thoughts? :confused:

vandalin 04-15-2010 11:41 PM

I was wondering if he offered to introduce the two of you. Not anything sexual but just to meet and maybe get to know each other a little. This seems to be a typical thing in poly (unless the relationship is a DADT kind).

I am concerned though. Something about the way you tell your side of the story makes me wonder about his true motives and "poly" lifestyle. I hate falling back on these when online, but I have a bad feeling about this. He kees taking back or changing what he's saying or "coming forward" about something in these nice long conversations that you two have. He also is getting frustrated with your frustrations instead of trying to help you overcome your fears and concerns.

Sure, he may not be your official boyfriend, but if he cares about you and wants to be with you, he will try to help you come to terms with and understand his choices.

Good luck.

EugenePoet 04-16-2010 12:56 AM

Like Vandalin, a few things about your situation worry me.

Sexual intimacy involves primal emotions. You write that you were a virgin, and unless I am mistaken he is the only man you have had sex with -- your first connection with the extremely powerful feelings that usually come with that physical-spiritual act.

This worries me because it's often very difficult for even very sexually experienced people to handle those emotions in a polyamorous context.

Be careful with yourself. I know you treasure your relationship with him, but you need to give yourself emotional room. I think you would be wise to re-approach him slowly and with a lot of care. You are feeling emotional responses not only to his interest in another woman but also to the very powerful sensations of perhaps your first deep affection.

Please go slowly and carefully. If you've read much on this forum then you know that you are entering a high-voltage area. You need to be firmly grounded for your own safety.

MonoVCPHG 04-16-2010 01:59 AM

:( :(...how old is this guy and was he aware that you were a virgin and had strong Christian convictions before you had sex? I'm trying not to judge and condemn him without cause but it's hard for me. It's rare for people to hold onto their virginity until they are 19 where I am from. Regardless of how purely physical some people view the act of sex, your faith probably has elevated above an animal drive. You're beliefs determine what sex means to you...no one else does. I just hope you didn't give this guy a gift he didn't deserve.

Take care
Peace and Love

redpepper 04-16-2010 02:42 AM

I was wondering if you have done some reading on here? You ask if anyone else has gone through this and I can tell you that there are numerous posts that indicate so. Perhaps they will help you feel less like you are on your own.

I think that you should go out and find your own stuff to do for the week she is here and after she leaves. If you are interested in hooking up with others and experiencing life in terms of getting to know others more deeply, go and do it. He is, you should to. When you come hang out together you will have so much to talk about as two people on their own life course.

In my experience jealousy is often an indicator that there is something not fulfilled happening, a need that isn't being met. So go and find it if that is the case. You say you are insecure for instance, go get secure in yourself... in anyway you can think of.

Of course it hurts to know he is with this other woman, and I think it would be kind and respectful if he cared about that, but it isn't up to him to "make" you happy, you are responsible for that.

Just a note on sex? It gets better with time and experience. Not only that it is very different with different people. Sure, there is certain things that repeat themselves, but when one really gets to know someone sexually, then those acts become different with different people. Therefore he likes having sex with you as much as he does with her.

Derbylicious 04-16-2010 02:52 AM

Don't dwell on what they are doing together. In the end it doesn't matter as long as he isn't comparing you to her when he's with you. (I know that's easier said than done).

Like other people have said go and find things to do that you enjoy. Make a calendar of all the things that you have in your life. He's one part of your life but he is not all of it. Focus on the other good things that you have when the 2 of you can't be together.

RP is right, sex with different people is a different experience. He enjoys what he has with you. He sees something special in you. The 2 of you have a connection. Focus on that rather than what he has with her.

Mostly it's a matter of reshifting how you think about things. It doesn't happen overnight and there will be painful moments. Only you will know if the relationship is worth overcoming that pain to get to a place where you can all be happy. From the sounds of it he's never going to be monogamous. Wishing that he would be is likely just going to make the fact that he isn't harder on you. I hope everything works out for you.


MonoVCPHG 04-16-2010 03:31 AM

I'm going to stay quiet on this one publicly. If you want my opinion you are welcome to PM me anytime.

Take care

Trying 04-16-2010 03:53 AM

Thanks for the replies :-)

My religion has been less important in my life recently, and that started before I even met him. Just to clear that up. :-)

He is 22, which is only 3 years old than me. His birthday is a month after mine, so when we met I was 19 and he was 21. Not a big difference.

Yes, he has offered to let me meet her. He's afraid it'll erupt into a catfight or something though, because according to him she's not too keen on me either. I think for me, as much as i hate the idea of her, if I met her it would clear up some curiosity and therefore I might be able to come to terms with more aspects of it. I automatically look for the good in people just by my nature, so I know that I would look for something to like about her without even thinking, or I would at least appreciate her good qualities that i see. I'm capable of being civil, I think.

and yea, I understand that it's not his job to make me happy... sometimes I think i put that burden on him unfairly but I definitely try to seek my own happiness because I have always held dear to the notion of being one's own person and finding peace without having to rely on other people... but it's still really hard, you know?

and definitely, he is not my whole life and I don't want him to be. I make great efforts to see all my other friends, make new friends, talk to old friends, and be involved in my own activities. We have different interests, and I respect his hobbies even though I'm not interested in participating in them, and I don't expect him to be involved in all of mine. I have two jobs and am in college majoring in engineering, I was on the mock trial team last semester (he was on the model united nations team), I go to church occasionally, I moderate a feminist forum on the internet, I even joined the robotics club at school a couple of weeks ago... I am not at all afraid or worried about not having my own life and not being able to be fulfilled in doing the things I like and accomplishing my goals towards engineering and whatnot. He's in college too and majoring in something totally opposite, political science (that I'm also interested in, which provides us a common thing to talk about- we met at a history club at school actually). We have different ideas about a lot of things, different ways of spending time, different interests... I love the differences between us and the discussions (sometimes debates :P) we have about them and all that.

I mean, I could go on and on about the differences between us and the evidence that shows we totally have separate lives. Of course we have similarities or else we wouldn't get along, but you get the idea...

I just want him to be a part of my life, and I want to be a part of his life, too, you know?

oh, and i'm not interested in exploring sexual things/relationships with other people, even though he has no problem with it. I just have no interest. And yea, I know sex will be different with different people, but I don't think I could handle more than one person at this point, and I don't have any intrinsic desire to. I'm perfectly content with his body, his habits, his methods, his preferences, etc. and I don't want to push myself to be with another person purely for the experience.

Now, I have to clarify and say that *if* someone else *happens* to come along that catches my eye that I click with, then I might consider pursuing that... but I still don't know if I would be able to keep up two relationships, unless one was extremely casual and both guys didn't mind. I don't see that happening, though.

and that's a good point about appreciating what we have and not dwelling on what they're doing... I do notice i am the happiest & most at ease when I'm not preoccupied with it, and some times I am actually not concerned about it at all.

and yes, insecurities probably do come from something not being fulfilled... it might be communication problems we've had, or the fact that his stress & business has made it hard to spend much time with him, or to spend quality time with him when he's having to do other things when I'm around. It just got increasingly hard to feel like I was still connecting with him because he felt like he needed some time apart from people (not just me, all of his friends... for a little bit I was *literally* the only person he hung out with, and that wasn't even very often). There's probably more, too, like the fact that I was finally SO ready for a serious relationship and then it was like, ripped away from me. hmmm. been thinking about that, but I will have to figure out what else is making me insecure. I know I'm definitely afraid of losing him, or of him liking her more.

Thanks again for the advice :-) I didn't have time to read any other posts when I posted this one because I had to go to work, but I will read some other posts asap. I will also think about what y'all have said.

MonoVCPHG 04-16-2010 04:59 AM

Aha! I figured out what is going on for me and why this thread triggered me. I'm feeling like a protective dad...interesting...I think I was wishing this guy was a fair bit older so I could really get mad at him. I think the idea of someone waiting to engage in sex has added to that...like the person who got to share in that should have really deserved you...I made a judgement without consulting you.

Hmmmm, interesting.

redpepper 04-16-2010 05:36 AM


Originally Posted by Trying (Post 26701)
There's probably more, too, like the fact that I was finally SO ready for a serious relationship and then it was like, ripped away from me.

You are ready for more it sounds like and he is not able to give you more at this time. Not only that he wants to give to someone else too.
Yup, I wonder if this is the root of the jealousy and what you are not getting in your life that you need.
Just a thought.

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