Hi from B.C. Canada
Hello everyone. My name is Ali. I am not sure if I am poly or just "free spirited". Any advice, encouragement, and criticism will be welcomed.
Most times I can be long-winded but will try to submit a short synopsis of how and why I ended up migrating here. I hope it is appropriate.
I have been married to my wonderful husband Steve for almost 30 years. From the beginning we have always had a fantastic love life. Not just sexual, but true love for each other and would do anything for each other.
Several years into our marriage, while starting a young family, we went away with our best friends of that time. It was the first time that we both got away for an extended long weekend without our kids. With neither of us having a lot of extra money, but still wanting it to go first class, we decided that we would share a room at a five star hotel in Whistler. We all got along fabulously and were extremely comfortable with each other. On the second night of our stay, we had a wonderful night of dinner, drinks, and dancing with each other and finished off with more drinks in the hot tub. As soon as we were back in our room, the lights went out and we all got into our own beds. As soon as there was complete stillness from our friends, Steve and I started caressing each other under the sheets, being as still and as quiet as we could. After a while, we heard the other couple’s soft and quiet moans and knew they were doing the same as us (they also knew what we were doing). The next day at breakfast, and off and on all day, we often teased each other about our quiet night. For the next two nights we made out with the lights on with our own partner in our own beds. I couldn’t take my eyes off her seeing how she was lost in passion.
Steve and I often spoke openly of that weekend. He would always tease me about attractive women we seen when out together. I started to notice them more and more on my own. Eventually Steve encouraged me to pursue my desires on my own. Over the years, I have enjoyed the few ongoing long-term relationships that I have had. Separate from our marriage, I have been in an exclusive bi relationship with Sara for over 10 years now. At the end of summer, she is relocating her business and home to our area and will be staying with us for several months until her condo is ready.
Going back about four years; For years, Steve often offered and still suggests that I should have fun with another man. Get myself a regular lover as he says. Especially for the times he is away on business. That began my fantasy of being with two men but Steve would never agree to be part of it. A few times he brought a couple of male friend’s home for dinner and suggested that I could seduce them if I wanted. I did think about it and always looked sexy and seductive for them but that was as far as I went. It took a while to understand that Steve is quite homophobic to be part of it. At some point we made a list of friends that I was attracted to and thought of. Eventually he set up a surprise Valentines weekend away at a downtown hotel where three friends met us after our first dinner. After desert and dancing we went to our room. I was to choose between them and decide if it was something I truly wanted to do. That night was the first of many experiences with male friends. Do I love them? Not the way I love Steve but certainly have deep feelings for them. Steve still has not participated but always loves to watch us. And I still do not have a regular lover.
Present time; Two years ago we relocated to the beautiful sunny Okanagan of B.C. where we will eventually retire. We live in a semi-rural, secluded and quite private area on the lake. Steve has still been suggesting that I get a lover that could also stay with me for safety when he was away. (Honestly I feel safer here than I did in the city). Our friends often travel the 250 miles to spend the entire weekend with us. Over the Easter weekend one of our friends (Steve’s best man and still best friend Tim) half-jokingly suggested that he moves up and in with us. Tim is the only one of our friends that has stayed with us for extended periods of time and we get along very well. Over the years, Tim and I have spent a lot of quality time together. My feelings are definitely the strongest for him and I love him dearly as a friend … maybe more. He is gorgeous. He is particularly neat and a delicious cook. He mostly works from home but will be away 4 or 5 days a month. Steve and I have had many discussions about it. Each time he has brought it up, he is encouraging it, if I would like to try of course. Our friends were here for the May long weekend. Steve, Tim and I were able to escape to dinner one night and had a serious discussion about everything….the set up…rules…etc. We also discussed the complications of Sara moving in for a few months. With a loving tear, Tim confessed his love for me relating it to the love he has for his late wife. I excitedly agreed for him to move in with no confirmed date but reserved the right to further thought. Tim’s wife passed 10 years ago. The good thought is that I am the only woman he has been with since and that has only been over the past 4 years. Yes, he was a six year virgin when he first became intimate with us. The bad thought is that I have never been intimate with Tim alone, with or without Steve there. In fact, I have never been alone with any other man since marrying Steve. Steve has suggested that I go visit Tim for at least a week or invite him here the next time I will be here alone. He suggests that I should go with the expectation of spending quality time and dates with Tim … be adventurously intimate with him … and discover my true feelings for him.
I confess that I have eager desires to be with Tim. However, I am concerned for the love or the lack of love that I might have for him. I also wonder if my love for Steve will change.
Can you believe that this is the short version? I told you I was long-winded.
I get to be the first to welcome you aboard. :)
Just from what I've read so far, it seems like you've been admirably careful and conscientious about things, and Steve has been consistently encouraging toward you. So, I would suggest (and I know I'm just an internet stranger but) that you treat yourself to some romantic alone time with Tim.
As for whether you're poly or just free-spirited, maybe you're both. ;) Don't worry too much about fitting the right label, just enjoy the good things you have and don't be afraid to pursue happiness.
Has Steve ever wanted to be with another woman? Just curious.
Regardless, I'm glad to have you with us on Polyamory.com.
Many well wishes,
Thank you for the welcome and well wishes Kevin!
Your encouragement and advice is most welcome. It is wonderful to have an outsider’s eyes looking in. Yes, Steve has always been my encouragement and that never goes unrewarded.
Like you say, I maybe both poly and free-spirited. Since posting, I have reread AutumnalTone’s “How to write and introduction” and apparently I can “engage in more than one at one time”.
When we have been intimate with other couples, only sometimes Steve has been with the other woman. Rarely does he participate but he is always there. There have been many opportunities but he politely refuses my suggestions. My g/f has tried to seduce him and he always politely declines. He knows that he can be with another woman, at anytime, as long as he is open about it to me and I would prefer knowing before it happens.
Sounds fair enough. :)
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