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-   -   How not to be a "homewrecker" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25150)

JynLove 06-28-2012 03:43 PM

How not to be a "homewrecker"
So I mentioned in my intro post that I am newly out as poly, although I have always felt this way. I have only come out to a few people I know. My husband being the most important, two very close friends, and S my current love interest.

One of my friends is a swinger, and understands fully. She is awesome. The other is a dear friend I have had for YEARS. He and I play an online game together, and we have never met in person. He is also 16 years older than me, which I thought would be more of a problem than it is. His name is E. E and I have had many deep dicussions over the years, and we connect well. He, having more life experience, is often giving me advice.

E is married with grown children, and in a mono relationship. I had a feeling he felt more for me than a dear friend, but chose to ignore it. I feel the same but won't dare admit it. When I revealed to him that I was poly (I share everything with E) he started coming on stong.

I warned him he would be in trouble with his wife for talking to me in that way, he didn't seem to care much and even suggested including her in our discussion. He also said "We're safe by distance". He lives in California, I in Ohio. Safe by distance is not good enough for me. I am not a homewrecker. I wouldn't interfere in someone elses old relationship, nor would I want someone else to interfere in mine.

So now I don't know if I should even talk to E. It's clear to me he has issues with his wife he has not shared, but I refuse to be involved in them. I hate to admit I do love E, but I just can not do this.

How do I keep E as a dear friend and not put myself in the middle of his marriage where I am not welcome?

Tonberry 06-28-2012 04:26 PM

Tell him you're not interested in that kind of relationship with him, you want a friendship. If he insists, tell him he's not being respectful of you. If he insists again, stop spending time with him.

It doesn't really matter why you don't want a relationship with him. If you say you don't, he should respect that.

JynLove 06-28-2012 04:37 PM

I will remember that.

It's just quite difficult right now. We've been friends for years, but only recently has it hit me that I am in love with him. It was an unspoken secret for so long, and now it's out there and kind of hard to ignore.

I'm extra careful because I already know his wife suspects. He's said that she commented once "tongue in cheek" that he was having an affair with me. Ugh.

But maybe keeping it friendly won't be as hard as it seems since I never physically see him. You know, once he gets over declaring his sexual fantasies with me. I want to hear it, but then I don't.

km34 06-28-2012 06:05 PM

He offered to include his wife in the conversation? Oh, and as for the tongue-in-cheek comment, usually there is a grain of truth to every joke. While you two are "safe by distance" in his words, there is such a thing as emotional cheating which may very well be what she feels like is happening in his relationship with you. Emotional cheating is generally a difficult topic in relationship because often men in particular (I'm sure there are women like this too) that don't view it as cheating until something physical has happened, while it is still an emotional betrayal to hide things (like loving someone else) from a SO. Hell, as a poly/open person I'd be pissed if my husband hid feelings for someone else, why wouldn't I be if I was mono and expected him to not develop them?

Why don't you just tell him that you know his marriage has some issues, and until those are resolved or at least being worked on, you don't feel comfortable going down that road. Would that help encourage him to get the help he needs for his relationship? Do you know much about his wife? Would she possibly comfortable with him having a LDR with you, once their marriage is solid?

ThatGirlInGray 06-28-2012 06:07 PM


Originally Posted by JynLove (Post 141348)
I warned him he would be in trouble with his wife for talking to me in that way, he didn't seem to care much and even suggested including her in our discussion.

If she knew and was okay with it, then would you be interested in something more than friendship? If so, then I might tell him to go ahead and include her. Ultimately it's his marriage/relationship and his choice to talk to his wife about his feelings for you.That's not you "interfering". I suppose you could put a policy in place for yourself of never having a relationship with someone who is married and/or new to the idea of poly but you're going to really restrict an already limited pool of potential partners.

JynLove 06-28-2012 07:36 PM

KM - Yeah I know there's a grain of truth to it, thats why at that point I took a break from talking to him. And I understand the emotional infidelity. DH did that to me once and I was pretty furious with him. He would never admit it. (I wonder if he would now?). At the time we were NOT out poly, even with eachother. So it was very inappropriate and the part that hurt the worst was the secrecy and denial.

Which is why I try to be SUPER careful with E. I am not sure he realizes that what he is doing is not as harmless as he thinks. And his wife has expressed that either of them having another partner is off the table.

Thatgirlingray - If his wife approved, maybe. But she is an intimidating woman IDK lol. I don't think she ever would though.

I don't think he is into poly, I think it's just me. And you know, what man doesnt want a MFF threesome.... *eyeroll*

ThatGirlInGray 06-28-2012 07:43 PM


Originally Posted by JynLove (Post 141380)
And his wife has expressed that either of them having another partner is off the table.

Well then, that answers that!


And you know, what man doesnt want a MFF threesome.... *eyeroll*
My husband, oddly enough, which is just ironic because it could happen SO easily!! :p

JynLove 06-28-2012 07:46 PM


Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 141383)
My husband, oddly enough, which is just ironic because it could happen SO easily!! :p

teehee. That's great.

He asked about my date with S this weekend, said more suggestive things. He claimed them not to be suggestive. Whatever. I told him I could no longer share with him if I can't be sure he won't start being suggestive again. He stopped.

Phy 06-28-2012 08:29 PM

Well, I know perfectly well, how intense and strong a connection can grow via the internet. I met my current partner while playing online as well. We became much more than friends over the course of 7 years playing with each other without seeing the other as well. The only difference in our case was, that we never talked about our desires and feelings. Till the beginning of last year.

I guess we have done some 'emotional cheating' as well. I knew for quite some time that I loved him, tried to ignore it, accepted it without admitting anything to anyone else and finally just couldn't hide it any more in the end. My husband and my partner as well never talked about this as something along the lines of cheating, I decided that I wouldn't regard this as cheating, since it has some active ring to it in my book and I never enforced those feelings willingly. They just happened.

But in your case, I would clearly start to advice your friend to talk to his wife. This problem is theirs to sort out. I know that it is hard to stay out of it for now, but don't (as you correctly pointed out) participate in their mess. As a good friend of yours, he should be able to respect your wishes and boundaries.

CielDuMatin 06-28-2012 08:42 PM

If you wish to respect their relationship, and if his wife has explicitly said that there will be no other, and they will be monogamous, then you need to set some boundaries for your communication, and, when he oversteps them, be very firm about it. For the friendship to continue, he HAS to respect those.

The problem with "harmless flirting" is that it is rarely harmless. A good question to ask, in situations like this, would be "if his wife saw this, would she be upset?" If the answer isn't an immediate "no", then a boundary has been crossed.

Does that help?

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