Hello all! New here!
Hello, excuse my lame username. I am kind of closeted and my regular forum handle is too easily googled lol.
My name is Jen. I am 26 years old, married to one of the best men in the world for 6 years and we have three beautiful (if not ornery) children. I am a passionate person, and generally tend to defy any type of label one puts on me. My husband is totally in love with that about me. Recently we had the open-marriage and poly discussion, which went surprisingly well, so here I am. I shall start at the beginning however.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have known my capacity to love more than one person. I watched the romantic movies where they the heroine had to choose between two men, and always wondered why on earth she can't choose both? They both love her, and she them. Right? I also realized my love for both female and male partners.
Well being a child that lived in a trailer park, I was eventually picked up by a baptist church bus. Once at church they began to tell me everything I thought was wrong, immoral, and that I was going to burn in hell if I didn't change. So being the young impressionable youth I was, I conformed. I then tucked those parts of me away.
Flash forward to high school. I have always had interest in boys. (and one girl, although I had been brainwashed and told that feeling was a sin). For the first time, a boy asks me out. I am elated. We date, but being the good Christian girl I am I hold him at a safe distance. I feel the only safe way to keep him is to drag him to church and show him the sinfullness in his lust for me. Poor guy hated it, but loved me. I kinda feel for him now lol.
So eventually there are more guys I fall for, but you know. You can only have one. That resulted in many short relationships, which is the par for highschool. I always went back to the one, over and over. We'll call him J.
So many years pass in this manner. I manage to have 4 long term relationships (one of them being my husband). Each man I loved dearly, with every fiber of my being. I am serious, one of them had hemophelia. He fell off his bike and bruised his testicles and I spent three days in the hospital at his side while "the boys" healed. When he got home I spent two weeks catering to him in bed while he healed. I set everything up so he never had to get out of bed.
At the end of each relationship, the each told me "You lied about loving me. How could you have possibly loved me, and now love this new man?". It crushed me a little each time. I didn't know how to explain it, but I did love them all. Each one seemed very threatened by that idea, so I choose not to ever mention it.
Eventually I got to my husband, who is by all means a true soul mate. We connect on such a deep level and with zero jealousy. (Okay, I had my moment, but it wasn't the act. It was the dishonesty he had with me about it.) I still never admitted my feeling on this matter to him though. Thats a damn fine way to lose a soul mate.
Well for a few years, DH has mentioned to me on and on about wanting to see me with another man. I didn't know how to take it at first. All my experience has been non-poly relationships. Was he trying to get rid of me by claiming adultery? Does he REALLY know what he is asking for? I can't just have anonymous sex, what if I have a friendship or even love bond with the other man, will DH be jealous? I denied his request for years. I told him he really didn't understand what he was asking for.
Well over the past months I realized I was being stupid. DH loves me very much, and would never try to leave me or get me to leave. But I still wasn't sure he could handle what all this involved. I agreed, and we kind dove into it.
It took me very little time at all to find a man willing. Actually S (the other man now) was a guy I was talking to and interested in dating at the same time as DH. So I went out with S, with DH's consent and rules. S and I clicked well. He agreed to our arrangement, which was DH watching him have sex with me and joining in when he wanted.
When the time came, S was unable to perform. I think the whole rules and marriage thing made him so unbelievably nervous it just didnt happen. That's when I realized, "Dammit!" I cared for S a little too much. I wanted to comfort him, hold him, and tell him it was really OK and not to worry. But I couldn't, it was in the rules.
This was last Saturday. DH and I have had many discussions since then. I decided that honesty was most important, and I had to confess to DH. So I did. I never had a word for what I was, but google named it for me. I was poly. Joel looked into it with me, read with me. He said he knew, he had a feeling. He was totally ok with it. In fact, I asked if he felt the same. He said yes.
So um, after that deep discussion and confession, we sealed the agreement with really hot sex. Is that normal? lol!
He took advantage of our agreement immediately, asking a girl out at work. They went on a lunch date. I was remarkably not even a hint of jealous. I wanted him to tell me everything! Unfortunately she was pregnant, and had a boyfriend who was not poly. She admitted that she could be and that she did find DH attractive. I am so proud of my guy for getting out there. He was a virgin when we met, he's had so little experience.
I told S about the new agreement. S opened up more immediately. He's less nervous, and really talks to me now. Although there is still much he is holding back. I figure things probably won't work out with S, but you know. Right now it is fun so I am going to go with it. S is not poly, and said he doesn't share well. He knows that if it becomes and issue, what we have ends. I won't allow a new relationship to harm an old one.
And there's more, a reason I named J. My husband and J are good friends. I mean I sometimes come home at night to them talking on the phone in bed, in their underwear, in the dark. He's going golfing with J this weekend. J is just out of a marriage, and already with a new girlfriend. DH plans to tell J about us being poly. I am not sure what the reaction will be.
J and I have always been hot and cold. Namely he has never turned me down. I am the cold one, cutting him off. He's very clingy and demanding of my time. He also, at the time, was going no where in life and I had a life plan I wanted. J could not provide that to me. When we broke up, I cut him off completely. I am weak for him, he is one of the only other men I have shared *almost* as much as I have with DH.
Now I am afraid, for reasons I will not discuss here *yet*, that is going to make him come back to me. It's been 8 years since I was last with J, don't think I want that. But DH confides in J a lot so I gave him my blessing to share.
Yep, only been a few days since coming out to a select few people and that's my mess. Hi, my name is Jen, I am "addicted to love" haha! (I joke!)
Also I am long winded. And a writer. My apologies in advance. If you made it this far, kudos!
Welcome! I love your story and I get what you're saying being afraid that J will want more since he could assume that being poly means you're "available". Just remember that being poly does NOT mean you have an obligation to be with just anyone who wants a piece of you! If you don't want to date him, whatever you're reasons, that's your right! :)
And I know I don't have to say yes just because he asks. The thing is, I never really stopped loving J, my logical brain just told me he was bad for me. But it's different now. He's a more stable person. But I am disgusted by his promiscuity and his over eagerness to be "in love". I understand loving more than one person, duh! But he just... IDK theres probably been more than 2 dozen different ones in the past 8 years we have been apart. It makes you wonder, you know? Maybe that is overly judgemental of me. I don't know.
So if it happens, I may have a hard time saying no. Look at me, I'm the girl with two men that get along amazingly without me, and I love them both, but won't dive in. Argh.
I've read some of your posts by the way and I enjoy them. :)
I can totally understand having a hard time saying no, no matter how much your head thinks it's not a good idea. It might be worth saying, "I care about you but I'm put off by your promiscuity and don't want to be just one more in a string of people." If he brings it up at all, I mean. Sounds like he's come a ways but still has some maturing to do! :)
Very good point. I shall remember that if it comes up.
I just wanted to welcome you to our forum.
I suspect that the key with J is to take any relationship form at a slow pace, and include a lot of communicating. He has to know what your concerns are, not just that you're poly and (?) "available."
You've traveled a long journey to get here; I feel confident you will exercise due caution and do research along each step of the way. I hope Polyamory.com is of good help to you, and you'll probably be of help to others as well.
Glad you could be here.
Thanks Kevin! Honestly, don't want a relationship with J ever again. Luckily all went well today and his only reaction was "Good luck with that". Whew! bullet dodged. :)
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