The Blog of the Mono Wife
I am reentering my story here and using this thread as my own little blog. Please feel free to comment. I just thought this would be a good place to let stuff out.
This all started when I found out my husband had fallen in love and cheated with a coworker. It was a terrible time but instead of giving up I fought and we realized that he needed a poly relationship and if I was going to keep him then I had to give this to him. I also found out through all our talking that she is not the first he cheated with, just the first one he fell in love with. The others were one night stands but along the way of trying to be an asshole he fell in love with one of his flings and the shit hit the fan. This is a woman I knew, had had threesomes with and was beginning to consider a friend. It has been two months since everything has come out. I am learning to accept his poly lifestyle. I still have freakouts and melt downs but I have read so much on communication and other peoples stories. I have even found a few friends on here that I really value their opinions. My husband and I are working very hard on our marriage and I know he feels horrible for the times he was unfaithful. He is honest in everything he does for me, or at least I work very hard to trust him. He makes it difficult not to now actually because he is constantly calling, texting or telling me face to face everything he does.
I guess I am more just talking here than having a problem. I like to get things out by typing sometimes and getting others thoughts. Last week was a nightmare that got progressively worse.
On Tuesday he was suppose to be with J but things didn't work out. Her husband got called off of work and if that happens she has to cancel plans with her. I know he was disappointed but I think he didn't handle things right when he came home all upset and went to sleep without talking to me. And he knows he did, apologized later. The next day he had an unexpected night with her because they had a fight and he went over to her place to make up. I do ask him to give me fair notice so that if I am having a bad day I can put myself in a good place somehow. Well that didn't happen. It was a last minute thing and I was still in a mood for how he had come home the night before.
Thursday was a night where she came over here so that the three of us could have some time together so she and I could build a stronger bond. I am trying very hard to be good friends with her. After all we have a someone very special in common. But I was so built up over the last two days that while I put on a face I was stressed and felt very inferior and intimidated. Then husband and I usually have a very intimatie kinky night to ourselves the day after they are together or three of us are together and that is very important to me. Helps me remind me that I still have a place in there right now. Hopefully I won't always be so needy for this night. But we didn't. We got busy with life. Saturday we fought over the events from the week. Sunday was all travel and more dramatics, melt downs, freak outs and fighting.
This week is better. I have gotten out and enjoyed the weather and exercised and increased my endorphins A very big thing for me. I couldnt cope with this without my exercise or my daughter. Tonight is their night and I just wanted to get on here for some comfort and company so I hope no one minds my rambling. It is hard not to focus on the fact that they are together tonight. I don't want it to kill my good spirits that I have had this week.
How do the monos handle the quiet nights? Poly's how do your partners deal with it.
I am totally mono. I am learning this new life so that my husband can feel free to be himself without feeling restricted and that he has to hide from me. I am just feeling lonely tonight as I usually do. Will I always feel this on edge and antsy. Does this ever ease? I want to say I am doing better than I use to but it has only been two months and I have yet to go two weeks without crying over it.
Any thoughts or opinions would be great. Thanks.
The day after
So last night husband was with J. When he got home I gave him his "gush time" that was suggested to me. He talked about some of the things they did together. He talked about some of their topics of discussion. He went over how he felt about her and in comparison to me, of course there was no comparision.
We fell asleep happily in each others arms. I am happy to say I didn't stop here. I spent so much of last week trying to handle my feelings on my own that I figured I would try something different this time. So I took the gush time to her as well. She and I text all morning about her night with him and how she was feeling. I wanted to know her feelings of love and committment towards him. I wanted to know her lever of happiness. I wanted nothing left for my imagination to warp into worse case scenarios and drive me crazy.
This time there was so much talking but so much more understanding. I came away feeling so much more well informed. Husband wasn't sure how much he wanted me conversing with her but I feel it is important so that she and I can keep up our communication. Otherwise she is someone that is just sleeping with my husband and because the husband stealing bitch that she really isn't.
The three of us had lunch together today and curled up in each others arms at the state park to enjoy the beautiful day. I have to say with all the talking it was the most comfortable I have felt with the two of them. It still tugged and hurt to see them kiss but he would kiss me too. He kept the cuddling to both of us. She and I worked together to relax him. It was very pleasant.
Thanks for the advice and help so far.
It might be a good idea to have a calendar so you can see when dates happen and then make plans to go out yourself. I am not saying to stop being mono, but bring back some of that social side that may be forgotten.
Seeing as both my wife an I are open, I can't relate directly as we are usually out together, but I am far more the social animal than she is. She has had to relearn the social side since she relied on me for all of her social behaviour, something I found both suffocating and too dependant on her part. It was hurting both of us.
Wow! Great story and thanks for sharing.
GF's Husband is Hurting
I just posted this in the New to Polyamory area but since this is my blog I am going to put it here as well so I can keep everything together.
So for a mono this should probably be a dream come true but I just see the pain it is causing my husband.
J's husband, who oddly enough is also poly, swinger actually is more his title although he has fallen in lover with women outside his marriage. They just had to move so he and her are no longer together. Anyway back to topic.
J's husband is becoming increasingly jealous of J and my husband. So for the sake of her marriage J might have to end things with my husband. She just doesn't want to hurt hers anymore. And I feel for her and understand that.
But now my husband is hurting even though he understand why she might have to do this. She is talking things out with her husband. I know he is trying to be ok with her being in love with another man but it is hard for him. He has tried very hard to step aside but doesn't seem to be handling things very well. Sometimes he is so ok that he sends my husband pics of J in bikinis and lingerie. Other times he is breaking down and saying he gives up. Yet he leads a poly life himself, he just doesn't have an OSO at the moment, but he does have little flings from time to time.
It is going to be a long weekend of tears, talks and pain. Someone is going to come out hurting. And me, the mono, I think is the only one holding it together. Ironic wouldn't you say?
I am trying to be there for my husband. I know he is having a hard time with this. So am I. I have learned to be friends with J. Is there anything I can do besides be there and hold him? Her husband isn't really into talking to the rest of us. We have all tried but he refuses to get in the middle of it. I know he feels inferior because he is a heavier guy. My husband, the gym fanatic comes along, and his wife falls in love with him as well.
I wish I could help them. I am still accepting all of this as well. But I guess through all my research and talking on here I am handling this better than the three of them. Wierd that the mono has all the answers.
The husband is coming around
So good news on the part with the J's husband. They had a good long talk last night. And she text me to let me know that he simply asked for some time with her. He doesn't want her to end her relationship with my husband, he just needs a small break so that he can have some quality time with his wife. With everyone on board, the blessing was given for the two of them to continue but to hold off on sexual relations for a couple of weeks.
As for me I am happy to see my husband smile again. I went to lunch with J yesterday to check on her. This was before she talked to her husband. While she was trying to keep a smile on her face it was pretty easy to see through. Her eyes looked very tired and strained.
My husband wasn't much better. He was taking things pretty hard. Them working together only made it worse because it was awkward between the two of them. This was something I had never seen from him before. He was hurting. He wasn't really withdrawn from me. I can't really say he was distant. He was strained himself. He was teared up a little the first night but pushed it away so I wouldn't see him cry over another woman. He held me close but there was something missing in his face and voice. I don't think he even realized how much I could really see. And there was nothing I could do for him. It wasn't me this time that was crying and begging silently for someone to make the pain go away from my heart. And it hurt a bit to know that I wasn't the thing in his life that he was longing for right now. He had me and that was what got him through these last couple of days. I wanted to bad to be enough for him to be happy. But I wasn't. He wanted her too. And that hurt. But as much as that hurt. It hurt so much more to see him like this. To see him trying to hide behind his work and our marriage from how much he missed her.
When J came back and had worked everything out with her husband I saw some of that light return to him. She is in bliss. Husband is treading water carefully. He is afraid of being hurt again. I just have to remind him that her husband didn't do anything wrong. I have had those hard times as well. And her husband never asked for them to stop. J was calling it quits to save her husband from further pain. And when they talked they were able to find common ground. Neither her husband nor I will ever ask them to stop seeing each other no matter the pain. Seeing their faces and watching what they go through is worse.
Now I am trying to fight through the feelings of knowing that just being with me wasn't what made him this happy again. He told me last night that when I showed up at work for the both of them, and even though I had to see them separately, it saved his day. It made it that much easier to get through. And I really appreciate that. It just gives me mixed emotions because I am sad that my husband was missing that big of a chunk of his life because of another woman. I want to have that whole heart and not share it but I can't do that anymore.
I am not freaking out or melting down. I am just a little sad. I am so happy that they worked things out. I told him I just can't bear to see him hurt that much. And if he ever needs me anywhere I will be there no questions asked. It is just a little heart wrenching sometimes. Typing this out is helping. I really love this blog thing. Helps get my thoughts out.
So husband and J have this whole dom/sub thing with their relationship. It is a big thrill for the both of them. I had asked him awhile ago that I would like him to give me some of this excitement to me as well. I felt like I got the boring sex and time and she got the fun nights.
Now let me explain that I use to do things for husband awhile ago that kind of stopped over time. And she picked them up naturally now. She and I are surprisingly similar. I use to call him sir to be playful and show my respect of his role as my husband and provider. But he didn't like that so I stopped. I used to wear cute thongs and garter belts and g-strings and things like taht under my clothes. But as time went on and our marriage slowly started going downhill I gradually stopped. He use to call me Angel and that stopped as the years went by.
Now she calls him sir. He loves it. She never knew I use to call him that. It just happened. She wears that stuff now, not knowing again I use to do that, just knowing he likes that stuff. He calls her Kitten because of a little choker she wears. He just now started calling me Angel again because of that so I didn't feel so inferior and less important. I do appreciate his efforts.
So he does what I ask and brings home some of the excitement of BDSM and the whole dom lifestyle. We are purely in bedroom with that stuff. I know some make it a full lifestyle but outside the bedroom we don't so we can show our daughter that we are equals and I am not less than he is.
Through bringing home the dom/sub life he has asked me to call him sir in the bedroom and wear the garters and such again. I do as I am asked because that comes with it. But I almost feel like a copycat, a second thought. He knows these are my worries and tries to reassure me that this is simply because it is something he likes, not because he is trying to make a carbon copy of J. I understand this but it feels wierd and I have a hard time not picturing them when he does this. I guess time will give me what I need and I will get use to doing this stuff again. After all I had it once a long time ago and lost it. It isn't her fault she does it now instead of me. I should have never let this go. I was a little upset about the sir thing since he told me he didn't like it and then a few years later got a thrill when she did it.
What can I do though. Another discomfort to work through. Someday I will work through them all right?
This last time around I realized I really missed it, a lot. So did my wife. We had to bring it back into our "couple" relationship. But it did take work. I felt like I couldn't dom her, disrespect her or hurt her physically because she was my wife. I had to relearn that I could and she wanted it :)
Best of luck,
So the weekend was not a fun one. My husband and I hit a rough patch with honesty and communication. He had a hard time not lying to me. I had a hard time not sneaking around behind his back to learn the truth. So this resulted in two days of fighting and lots of hurt feelings. By the end of it I am thankfully still a married woman working through a rough time in her life.
Husband is awkward about this new phase in his life and has a hard time accepting who he is. I am doing everything I can to make it easier on him but it got to the point where he was lying again to keep from feeling uncomfortable about what he wanted to tell me. I found out about these lies and confronted him after I read his texts without him knowing. I considered my lies as bad as his so that is probably why I didn't walk out the door. I told him the next time he lied last time I would be done. But this was the next time and I lied as well so it I knew I couldn't just do that. We needed to find a way to trust each other.
I told him I was sick of being the one feeling awkward just to make him more comfortable. I was tired of taking on the hardships so he could go out and have fun. If he wanted this freedom to go out and find himself he needed to accept some of the responsibilities and get over his being uncomfortable and just tell me. I would rather be jealous and bothered for a few minutes or couple of hours than hurt and be suspicious of his behavior for weeks on end that could lead to the end of everything.
But after lots of talking and compromising we came out with more understandings. The next day he even came home with a surprise for me. He had finally after two years replaced his wedding band. His had gotten stolen a couple of years ago from beside his chair at our community pool. And he never replaced it because he always told me they were uncomfortable and he didn't want to spend the money. We had the money but there was usually one excuse after another for him not getting a new one. Alot of it had to do with the cheating that was going on that I didn't know about. That is different now.
As for today. J and I had lunch together. With her husband asking for husband and J to take a small two week break from sexual relations I am trying to keep up a good relationship with her. So I took my daughter along because she has a daughter the same age and knew she would enjoy. It also helps ease any tensions. We just kept it simple and fun at DQ. I know they miss each other but husband loves that I do this kind of thing with her. And it is nice to chat with her about things besides the poly life.
Hope all is well with everyone else.;)
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