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-   -   New to site...looking for some advice! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25094)

kimber0225 06-26-2012 11:14 PM

New to site...looking for some advice!
Hello everyone i am involved in a polyamory relationship with a married cpl, we have been involved now for 5months and i have moved in with them. So we are in a polyamory fidelity relationship so we just have sex between the three of us, but through the last 5 months i have been having problems with the wife of the relationship...we started out good but through all the changes she was not honest about her feelings and it was hard to get closer to her and create a deep relationship. I have a much deeper connection and madly in love with the husband and have stopped sleeping with the wife...which has created a rift within the relationship....so now were more of a sister wife thing. She just irritates me now and i am having a hard time letting all the things go that she has done in the past....i dont want to leave the relationship because of him how do i make this work?? Any ideas?

CielDuMatin 06-27-2012 03:14 PM

First up, welcome to the forum.

To answer your question, you may not be able to single-handedly make this work. It's going to take all three of your working together. The first thing to do is to find out whether the three of you have a common set of goals that you are working towards. This means the three of you sitting down and talking it through. If you don't have everyone on the same page, then it's going to be a huge challenge to try to make this work.

Maybe your relationship will be more a "V" - that can be quite workable if everybody is happy with that.

kimber0225 06-27-2012 05:02 PM

thank you
Thank you for not just telling me to move out and leave like most of my friends have said....because im invested in this relationship and your right we all need to sit down and talk and see where we can go from here.

CielDuMatin 06-28-2012 03:19 PM

Well, as I said on your other thread, moving out to get a little distance and give everyone a little space may be the best way, but not to bail on the whole thing. Rather, give everyone some space to work things though.

kdt26417 06-29-2012 09:08 PM

Hi kimber0225,
Just wanted to say welcome to the forum.

I hope you are able to get things worked out with the wife of the relationship. Is you having a romantic relationship with her a must, or can you and she just be friends? As for things she has done that were hurtful to you, perhaps she didn't do it on purpose, but it takes time for people to heal from wounds, forgive, and move on. CielDuMatin has a point, maybe having more personal space and privacy would be a help to you at this time. But I wouldn't think you'd need to give up on the whole relationship.

I hope Polyamory.com is helpful to you in getting all these things sorted out. We're pulling for you.

Kevin T.

GalaGirl 06-30-2012 12:56 AM

Welcome! :)

In your case? The big talk has to happen across the 3 of you.

If the new config is changing to a V with the guy as a hinge rather than the triad originally imagined, y'all need time to process.

Mourn what has ended, and welcome what is new with some sort of grace.

What kind of home are you in? A house? A flat? Do you all maintain separate bedrooms? Moving out to better accomodations doesn't mean you give up on the whole thing. Shoot, maybe they move with you to a floorplan that is more ammenable to a V config!

But before you get to THAT place, you just have to man up and get the talk TALKED. So take a deep breath and work on your stuff together.

Everyone is feeling various emotions. ID them. You can't help what you feel when you feel it.

But before you can CHOOSE how to act in response to them (and we CAN choose how to act and behave even if we don't choose how we feel)... you need to ID what we're responding to here. Make sure everyone speaks their truth, gets heard, and needs/wants are addressed and solutions negotiated.


kulingling 06-30-2012 01:32 AM

welcome to the community

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