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-   -   Home Tonight While Husband is with GF (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2508)

ak2381 04-15-2010 01:20 AM

Home Tonight While Husband is with GF
I think we really need some good blog areas on this site.
Husband is with J tonight while I am here at home. Normally I find a way to keep busy so I don't dwell. Most of you know my story by now. For those that don't here is a quick run through...
This all started when I found out my husband had fallen in love and cheated with a coworker. It was a terrible time but instead of giving up I fought and we realized that he needed a poly relationship and if I was going to keep him then I had to give this to him. I also found out through all our talking that she is not the first he cheated with, just the first one he fell in love with. The others were one night stands but along the way of trying to be an asshole he fell in love with one of his flings and the shit hit the fan. This is a woman I knew, had had threesomes with and was beginning to consider a friend. It has been two months since everything has come out. I am learning to accept his poly lifestyle. I still have freakouts and melt downs but I have read so much on communication and other peoples stories. I have even found a few friends on here that I really value their opinions. My husband and I are working very hard on our marriage and I know he feels horrible for the times he was unfaithful. He is honest in everything he does for me, or at least I work very hard to trust him. He makes it difficult not to now actually because he is constantly calling, texting or telling me face to face everything he does.

Tonight he is out with his girlfriend. This is after a long discussion we had last night about how our relationship is going. They are usually together about once or twice a week and often text each other. J is also married and she and her husband are both poly. We all have kids and have met each other. I have become friends with her again after trying to shut her out of my life completely when I found out they had cheated and broken the rules of the threesomes.

I guess I am more just talking here than having a problem. I like to get things out by typing sometimes and getting others thoughts. Last week was a nightmare that got progressively worse.
On Tuesday he was suppose to be with J but things didn't work out. Her husband got called off of work and if that happens she has to cancel plans with her. I know he was disappointed but I think he didn't handle things right when he came home all upset and went to sleep without talking to me. And he knows he did, apologized later. The next day he had an unexpected night with her because they had a fight and he went over to her place to make up. I do ask him to give me fair notice so that if I am having a bad day I can put myself in a good place somehow. Well that didn't happen. It was a last minute thing and I was still in a mood for how he had come home the night before.
Thursday was a night where she came over here so that the three of us could have some time together so she and I could build a stronger bond. I am trying very hard to be good friends with her. After all we have a someone very special in common. But I was so built up over the last two days that while I put on a face I was stressed and felt very inferior and intimidated. Then husband and I usually have a very intimatie kinky night to ourselves the day after they are together or three of us are together and that is very important to me. Helps me remind me that I still have a place in there right now. Hopefully I won't always be so needy for this night. But we didn't. We got busy with life. Saturday we fought over the events from the week. Sunday was all travel and more dramatics, melt downs, freak outs and fighting.

This week is better. I have gotten out and enjoyed the weather and exercised and increased my endorphins A very big thing for me. I couldnt cope with this without my exercise or my daughter. Tonight is their night and I just wanted to get on here for some comfort and company so I hope no one minds my rambling. It is hard not to focus on the fact that they are together tonight. I don't want it to kill my good spirits that I have had this week.

How do the monos handle the quiet nights? Poly's how do your partners deal with it.

I am totally mono. I am learning this new life so that my husband can feel free to be himself without feeling restricted and that he has to hide from me. I am just feeling lonely tonight as I usually do. Will I always feel this on edge and antsy. Does this ever ease? I want to say I am doing better than I use to but it has only been two months and I have yet to go two weeks without crying over it.

Any thoughts or opinions would be great. Thanks.:cool:

mittin 04-15-2010 02:18 AM

Hi ak2381,

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I don't know if I can be any help, and I *know* I can't offer any solid advice, but tonight my GF is out with her lover also. Normally I'm home and our rule is that she must come home from play time to sleep in our bed together---but tonight I'm visiting my parents so I won't get to see her.

I find it very hard to fight the feeling that I'm being left behind, or taken advantage of. I love my GF very much, and I don't desire anyone else. Perhaps what's so hard about the whole thing is that I sometimes find it hard to understand why she would want to be with someone other than me if she loved me like I love her. That's sort of a cyclical negative thought process though, so I remind myself of how good it feels when she's around, and that she really must love me.

It is very good that you're exercising and being healthy. That's important.

I am not yet sure if I'm truly mono or if there is some poly lurking inside me somewhere, waiting to emerge for the right person. I have a lot of inhibitions in my interactions with other people, and I find it hard to overcome that to even begin to think of people as potential romantic interests.

It sounds to me like you are exploring polyamory for the sake of your husband (or your marriage). That is admirable that you're willing to go the extra distance for someone you truly love! Try not to let it fester and become a source for resentment. I am not sure how to best accomplish that---I'm having a lot of trouble with that myself at the moment.

MonoVCPHG 04-15-2010 04:10 AM

I wish I had words of wisdom. I am extremely mono minded but am the third in a "V" which for me has a much different energy.

Thunderlizard 04-15-2010 04:23 AM

Sounds like you have no kids.. so why sit at home? Take this time to visit with friends, go to a movie that he wouldn't like, something like that? Plan to fill the time, and it will help keep it from feeling empty. Kudos to you, too, for making the effort and allowing him to be himself.. it's not easy, no, but you should be proud for being strong enough to try it.

SchrodingersCat 04-15-2010 07:54 AM


Originally Posted by ak2381 (Post 26560)
I think we really need some good blog areas on this site.

You mean like the Life stories and blogs section? *wink*

ak2381 04-15-2010 01:58 PM


Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 26606)
You mean like the Life stories and blogs section? *wink*

Good Point Schrodingers, This would be a good place to hang out and share my experiences with all of this. Never really thought about it. I have been practically living in the New to Poly part because I am so unsure about the rest of the site. I feel so unexperienced and new to all of this that I might come off as unintelligent and badly worded to the rest of you. But I need to branch out and learn the site a little better. Thank you.:)

Shmorg 04-24-2010 09:24 AM

I am the wife w/ the mono husband and mono boyfriend =) well he doesn't like to be called that, prefers "good friend"
It's been a little over 2 years, and my hubby still has a hard time when he knows I'm out alone w/ the other fellow. They are even friends and have been since before I came into the picture. I have a hard time understanding how he doesn't have a desire to be with other people! I think it's amazing when he says, "I don't want to be with anyone else, just you" It still makes me blush and feel special.. and amazed because that's something I never really have felt even though I can't see my life with out him. But that's a ramble. I try to make him feel that special as well, and give positive reinforcement... but it is hard, and I hate making him feel like he's not enough.. :-( It doesn't feel that way to me, more like.. doh! fell in love w/ two people! But I'm not really into the casual sexual poly aspect of things.. i could be, but its just not worth hurting my husband over recreation I guess..

I'm often planning a little bit in advance before I go out, and call up one of our mutual friends to come over and visit with him. =) He has a tendency to get depressed about the situation, then it's hard to find motivation to get up, out and do something or move from that thought... so I try to help out =) For my sake too i guess... a lil selfish? Generally I will try to get an activity started, or call someone to come hang out and get his mind off of what I'm doing or not doing and have some fun of his own! And it works really well! =) We have a few friends that enjoy brewing beer and that is always an activity that gives the reward of forgetting what I'm up to.

It just takes that first step... getting up, walking out the door to go for a walk/run. Calling someone then letting them take the lead of conversation. Picking up that paint brush, petting the dog.. ?

I tend to check in through the night via text... not sure if that's always the best idea, but I'm ALWAYS thinking about my husband and miss him when I'm out. i would love for us all to be together and just relaxed intimate and easy.. but just not at that point yet.

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