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-   -   My next poly-challenge: boyfriend going on date, how to stay calm? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25069)

Cleo 06-26-2012 09:28 AM

My next poly-challenge: boyfriend going on date, how to stay calm?
so, tonight my boyfriend is going on a date and I'm freaking out.
a little background... We've been together since January and it's going great. I have no reasons to doubt his sincerity, his commitment or his love. In fact if I would mention all the reasons why I can feel secure in this relationship, I would feel even more stupid for starting this thread.
But, but but... I'm freaking out. Panicky, heart racing, on the verge of crying and very emotional.

When we got together he had another girlfriend and it did not bother me much when he went on dates with her. I think there are several reasons I felt so different about that.. first of all, our relationship wasn't that serious yet. Also, because she was there from the start she did not feel like a threat at all. I did not like when they broke up - most of all because it made C feel sad, but also because it made our relationship more unbalanced. I am married and also have another lover - who is more like a FWB now, but still.

But now.. oh boy I hate feeling like this. Jealous, insecure, worried, obsessing. He met the woman he's meeting tonight online, this is their first date IRL. She's married (so I keep telling myself at least she will not be the mono girl I'm gonna lose him to, but then again, how will I know, and these thoughts are stupid anyway, he could always leave me for whatever reason).

I need some peace of mind and I have no idea where to find it. :(

I have sent him a short email this morning to wish him fun tonight and also to mention that I won't text him tonight (we text every night before going to bed). I don't want to text him when he's on a date but most of all (I did not tell him this) I don't want to text him and then wonder why he's not texting back.
I did not ask for any reassurance from him yet he sent me a very sweet email that in case I am nervous about the date, that he loves me and has every intention to be with me and further develop our relationship.

I really have nothing to wish for from him, he does everything right. And I could never (rationally or emotionally) object to him becoming involved with someone else. It's the poly thing to do, right? But.... I guess it all comes down to the fear of not being good enough, and that IF he becomes involved with someone else, he will like her more, and eventually leave me.
It's my messed up mind that's playing tricks on me.
Any thoughts about how to keep sane until I hear from him again (which won't be until tomorrow morning...)


ThatGirlInGray 06-26-2012 04:21 PM

At this point I would say you've both done what you can to handle the situation, now distract yourself. Hopefully it's not too late for you to make plans with someone else (spouse, lover, friend, whatever) so you're doing something rather than just sitting around the house and have someone and something else to focus on instead of thinking about him on his date. Good Luck!

Cleo 06-26-2012 04:32 PM

thanks TGiG!
I have friends coming over for dinner and I've been cooking and baking all afternoon, a happy coincidence.
C. texted me this afternoon that he was on his way to meet her and that he would let me know tonight how it went. I texted him back asking me to not let me know until tomorrow. I don't want to stare at my phone wondering what time 'tonight' actually means.

But now I worry that he thinks I'm being a pain.. (while I did everything to not make him think that, wishing him a nice time, not showing my insecurities so much etc).
Ugh I HATE this feeling! I feel like I'm not this person.. but I am, of course. I really need to think about this and work on this. Because either he hits it off with this woman and will see her again (ah, the first date where they have sex, that's a nice one to think about) or he will go on dating other women, so this is not going away, and I am the one who needs to learn how to deal with this.

I feel like I just started my poly life... always these new things to deal with, things that have never happened before, things that challenge me in so many ways.

GalaGirl 06-26-2012 04:35 PM

You are doing great!

If you need to chatter on here just to vent -- do it. Connect with spouse, other lover, learn to knit socks. Whatever. It will be what it will be and likely? It will all be ok.

We've all been at the jumpy jittery place.

We KNOW these feelings are just emotional weather.

We can TRUST our people will choose to act responsibly, trustworthily, etc.

We KNOW that.

Yet... internal stormy weather to weather anyway.

Hang in there.



ThatGirlInGray 06-26-2012 04:47 PM


Originally Posted by Cleo (Post 141014)
But now I worry that he thinks I'm being a pain...

Boy do I know that feeling! Take a deep breath, and know that he loves you and hopefully understands how hard this is for you. On the off chance that he doesn't, though, you might want to clue him in tomorrow. Not in a, "Look at how much I sacrificed for you," kind of way, but more a, "I know this is really silly considering everything, but I wanted to let you know this is what's going on in my head." Emphasize that he doesn't need to do anything differently, it's your stuff to work on, but perhaps he'd understand/forgive a little bit more easily if you have times when you slip and are a little bit of a pain. Like, I'm going to send MC and TGIB a warning text in a minute that I'm PMSing like CRAZY and resent EVERYTHING right now. I'm not asking them to change anything about their own behaviors, I'm just giving them the heads-up that I may go nuts today and I apologize in advance. With knowledge (hopefully) comes the power of forgiveness. :)

threesnocrowd 06-26-2012 05:21 PM

Hi Cleo,

Been there. What you are experiencing is totally normal if you're relatively new to poly and it will help you decide if it is for you or note. When my wife goes on a date with another man or spends the night at his house after they have dated for a while. I get the butterflies too. It can be exciting or wrenching. But they are emotions and you have to ask yourself where they come from - insecurity? jealous? And deal with the root cause. These are fires that burn away all the bs that we tell ourselves and reveal what is truly inside you and the core of your relationship. But if you want immediate relief - I would agree with the others, DISTRACT yourself! Go hang out with friends or see a movie. And don't imagine what they are up to. Truth be told, whatever you imagine they are up to is going to be a lot more interesting than what they are probably actually doing. Good luck!

Cleo 06-27-2012 07:37 AM

Thanks, all!

I woke up in the middle of the night to a very sweet text message from C that he loves me and can't wait to see me.
Nothing about how the date went, but I guess I'll hear about that tonight when I go visit him.

The evening did not go so well for me.. I did manage to distract myself, unfortunately my distraction of choice was to pick a huge fight with my husband about something that has been bothering me about his relationship with his girlfriend. We have discussed it many times but it really blew up this time.

In the end, it was good, because the intensity of the fight made it quite cathartic and I could finally see his point of view and most importantly, I could see how my constant arguing about this hurts and saddens him. I told him I decided to take a step back and not bring the issue up for 2 months. He was very relieved.

So while it did work out ok it was quite exhausting and the lack of sleep now makes me feel extra vulnerable. Still very anxious about what my boyfriend will tell me tonight... because I know that last night was only the beginning. I have some interesting work ahead of me.

Cleo 10-27-2012 07:17 PM

bumping this because after a couple of months of not dating, C is back in the game so to speak and going on a date tomorrow.
4 months have passed since the last time I posted about this, and our relationship has grown and developed.. in a couple of weeks, he's coming to spend the night at my house when my husband is also at home, he offered me to have a key to his house, we had some great weekends together.

I am just so, so anxious about this. We talked on the phone tonight and I asked him to call me tomorrow at as specific time. I'm ashamed I had to ask for this, but I knew I had to, otherwise I would have been a wreck all day tomorrow. But of course that fact in itself is something I'm ashamed of.

I said this on another thread... I am just so scared of the shift in dynamic that will happen when he meets someone. Right now I'm his primary partner, I really don't need to stay his primary, I guess I just want reassurance that I'll remain important to him.. in some way... which is an assurance I know is impossible to give..

Moments like this make me wonder if I can do it, I had such a hard time when my husband started dating his first serious GF, I'm doing ok with that now, but of course the fact that I now have a pretty serious and stable relationship with C also means I'm even more afraid of losing him. The more deep and loving relationships you have, the more possibilities for heartbreak...

All irrational thoughts born out of lack of self esteem.

sorry about this post am just rambling and really anxious and needed to vent a little...

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