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-   -   Facebook Friends? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2505)

tinylove 04-14-2010 11:58 AM

Facebook Friends?
 
So this question is for those of you with a facebook account. I am wondering how you feel about friending OLD loves. What about your partner becoming friends with someone he/she used to date.

I am not sure how I feel about this. I mean I know a lot of mixed feelings can still be there old flames can spark up again. These people can see what you are currently doing with your life.

So what do you think?

Marco 04-14-2010 12:53 PM

Sounds like an accident waiting to happen. I mean, I don't know what kind of Polyamorous relationship you two currently have, or how open you guys are.....but let's say you two are completely open. Why even let an old fling piqué your interest? It's an ass backward approach if you ask me, and I wouldn't even entertain the idea.

Just my two cents.

tinylove 04-14-2010 01:52 PM

I would love some suggestions from other people and would love to know others thoughts...

SimpleSimian 04-14-2010 02:34 PM

Yeah, tinylove, you're not alone. I tend to be very open-minded about my wife communicating with her ex-es, but a situation like this could, indeed, feel quite threatening. Especially this soon after getting used to him being poly.

If you need to unload some thoughts or talk about this, you know where to find me.

I think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel, and make sure he doesn't go off the deep end when it comes to opening up to poly. It might be tempting for him to dive in head-first and make up for "lost time" or whatever, but he is still, first and foremost, your husband. He should feel comfortable talking with you about your feelings and his. Talk to him. That's really all the advice I can give. Communication, and keeping no secrets when it comes to intention in other social relationships, is really important. Keep that communication open.

Even though this situation could be completely harmless, I understand and empathise with your fears.

idealist 04-14-2010 03:12 PM

I think that re-connecting with people you have loved in the past is a good idea IF the relationships ended on good terms and there is still a type of love for one another as well as respect, trust and honesty. In fact, I would suggest that if a person has decided to enter into the world of polyamory, the first place to go would be to past lovers. It takes time to develop trust and respect. We are getting older (I'm 52). Again, this process (for me) is about complete honest with self. It's easy to delude yourself and deny that the relationship was unhealthy.....but if it was unhealthy, then chances are it will be unhealthy now- so don't go there. But, sometimes relationships end just because they could not exist within the (what I believe to be limited) box of "forever after" and "a lifetime of monogamy" ideas. But there are many reasons that a relationship will end and, with time, some of those reasons are no longer an issue....

Honestheart 04-14-2010 03:19 PM

sounds like a recipe for trouble, after all..she is an ex. why did they break off the relationship? have those issues been resolved? if not, sounds like a case of "old flame what-ifs" coming about...
but if they have been resolved well,
i'd be cautious but by the same token, there's no harm in exploring as long as your SO is in the loop, it is not a harmful relationship, you are doing for the right reasons, and that the problems with said ex have been addressed and resolved...

it does seem very backwards tho... i mean, we all wonder what if when it comes to our exes.... but still... why look back? what are your SO's reasons i wonder...
this is a good example of when a veto rule could be applied as a means of protection ie: you watch and if you see too many red flags, veto.

idealist 04-14-2010 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honestheart (Post 26499)
... why look back? .

I tend to disagree with everyone else. I think there are a lot of good reasons to look back and I think there are a lot of reasons that relationships break up which are no longer an issue.

But- maybe age is a factor here. I am 52 and currently lovers with 4 of my ex's. Those relationships were formed in my 40's.....that's different from relationships in my 20's etc. These were all good, healthy relationships which just ended because we were under the (what I call) brainwashed notion that the only valid way to have a relationship is to consider it to be a lifetime monogamous one and that didn't feel right at the time (and still doesn't).

Ariakas 04-14-2010 03:34 PM

hmmm...I have refused my ex being my friend, for all of the reasons listed here. It ended badly, I have no room for her spite in my life. If she has changed, good for her, I don't have an interest. I am also an entirely different person from that ole life and I know she hasn't really moved on.

As for ex's. ummm...I would do it. I am confident in my relationship and my wife can visit any number of her ex's. And the kicker is, they are all likely poly people anyways. I come from a very hippy home town and my wife was a hippy with lots of lovers. In fact she is likely back in Ontario right now having lunch with an ex (the first love of her life)...I have no concern with her leaving me or even falling back in love. Its a meh moment for me.

Think of it like this, in your situation, you will be there, so will kids, so will other people...what do you think will happen? They will talk, you will talk...heck if they get along great.

Quote:

This is bothering me. I think it is because I know he has strong feelings for them. He comments more on their pages then mine. not that that matters
I assume you mean facebook?...ummm don't you see him more than them. I know I personally use facebook to keep in touch with friends I don't normally see or see often...I don't facebook people that I can walk to the pub and have a beer with, I just go have a beer :)

And lastly, I don't know the thread, but mono and redpepper just went through the ex meeting (mono's ex). Might want to read through their processing of it. While it is a different situation it might help :)

noob 04-14-2010 04:06 PM

I'm FB friends with virtually all of my exes; my husband is FB friends with his. We are also mostly friends with each other's exes, with the exception of a couple of his I've never met due to geography.

None of this bothers me a bit, but there is also no interest in re-starting things with any of these people. It's just a curiosity thing--we like keeping in touch with them. I'm FB friends with over 400 people; poly or no, I can't care that much about all of them :)

But it sounds like this situation is different. Your partner thinks she's hot, and she's trying to get you guys involved in her life. If that involvement is not something you want with this person, I think you have a right to work with your partner to set some limits--they can be FB friends without messaging all the time, etc.

Still...just to throw this out there, I was messaging an ex of mine for a few months, and there seemed to be a bit of interest there (nothing blatant), and over time it settled into a nice friendly thing and it's totally fine and normal now. I just told DH about it as it was happening. So it could be it's this "oh, you! how interesting!" thing that will kind of fade.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 26502)

I assume you mean facebook?...ummm don't you see him more than them. I know I personally use facebook to keep in touch with friends I don't normally see or see often...I don't facebook people that I can walk to the pub and have a beer with, I just go have a beer :)

And lastly, I don't know the thread, but mono and redpepper just went through the ex meeting (mono's ex). Might want to read through their processing of it. While it is a different situation it might help :)

Yeah, if frequency of posting on someone's wall indicates intimacy, then my husband and I are total strangers :D

Ariakas 04-14-2010 04:46 PM

Quote:

Still...just to throw this out there, I was messaging an ex of mine for a few months, and there seemed to be a bit of interest there (nothing blatant), and over time it settled into a nice friendly thing and it's totally fine and normal now. I just told DH about it as it was happening. So it could be it's this "oh, you! how interesting!" thing that will kind of fade.
Would that be ORE (old relationship energy)...meeting with an ex, flame re-ignites a bit but then settles into the new relationship status of friendship :)


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