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-   -   I've made a big mistake (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2501)

Kraven 04-14-2010 01:21 AM

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EugenePoet 04-14-2010 01:37 AM

Well, you're in a hard situation, as you well know.

Is there a chance that one or both women would understand your feelings and why you did what you did, if you came clean and spoke honestly?

Do you see any viable future in maintaining a dishonest relationship structure?

Do you think it would be better to -- like Stevie Nicks sang -- pick up the pieces and go on?

Can you imagine a way to introduce the concepts of polyamory to one or both of these women in such a way as to help them understand what's happened?

...The answers are yours, and there may be other questions you want to ask yourself. As you look for answers, keep your thoughts constructive and realistic, avoid despair, and inside yourself be as completely honest as possible.

Mistakes are made. I've made 'em. Good luck!

vandalin 04-14-2010 01:42 AM

The answer is simple...just doing it is the hard part.

Tell them both the truth. I wouldn't necessarily do this at the same time with them sitting together or anything insane like that, but they both deserve the truth and you deserve not to keep up with your lies.

Since one already knows you are interested in pursuing a poly relationship, hopefully this declaration will get her to tell you what she wants, or doesn't. For the other, it's a coin toss, either she will forgive you or not, either she will understand poly or not (although that inculdes a not yet sometimes).

Polyamory is based on communication and HONESTY. If you continue with both of these relationships without the other knowing, it is not Polyamory. It is cheating.

Good luck.

SchrodingersCat 04-14-2010 08:11 AM

It's very difficult to keep two women from knowing about each other, especially if one of them has "reasons" to suspect you may be pursuing this type of thing.

Like vandalin said, your best chance at poly is to come clean and hope they love you enough to forgive your mistake. The other option is to quit seeing the 2nd woman until you have your partner's consent.

Personally, my feeling is that if someone has an affair and realizes it was a mistake and ends it, they should keep that information to themselves. I'm all for honesty, but I think people put honesty on a pedestal and pretend it's more important than anything. I don't agree with that. When someone comes clean after they've ended an affair, it's usually to relieve their guilty conscience. It really doesn't do their partner any good. It destroys trust and causes them immeasurable pain. I've always felt that if my partner made the mistake of cheating on me and realized it was a mistake and didn't do it ever again, I would be happier never having a clue. I've always been the "happy in my bubble" type of person. If I let myself realize how much terrible shit there is in the world, I don't think I would get out of bed in the morning... Sorry, totally off topic now.

To summarize: If you want to turn this into a healthy poly relationship, you have to tell them, otherwise it's just cheating. If you know that they won't go for it, then your best move is to end the affair. If you keep seeing them both behind their backs, you increase the chance of losing them both.


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