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-   -   Also new to poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250)

marianna 05-11-2009 03:45 AM

Also new to poly
i'm very new to poly, in a quad, and the newest on the scene. The first month or so was awesome - real life kicked in after that and basically the "shiny" wore off. i find that i'm envious, feeling a bit taken for granted, and feel like i'm waiting around for whatever time is left over for me. i'm honestly not liking those parts so much. In addition, due to schedules and distance, i haven't been able to build the relationships that i would like to try to build with numbers 1 and 2. i think that would really help, and again the problem is with schedules and other external factors.

Any insight would be helpful because i find my moods are just running me over, i go from being at peace and happy and understanding to questioning everything, every word, etc. i'm certainly willing to give it more time for equilibrium to settle, and there are other extenuating circumstances that really no one has control over that are strongly influencing the time thing. Suggestions? Insight? i feel like i'm trying to navigate in the dark at the moment, and i haven't found a way to figure out
1. how to exactly figure out what my feelings are since they change so much and 2. How to deal with them once i figure out what they are. Some of them are completely internal to me, and i have to manage them myself (baggage and all that crap that really no outside soothing will help, i know this from experience and i am ready to tackle this). But this internal seesaw is driving me nuts.

thanks -

nikkiana 05-11-2009 04:11 AM

In my opinion, the best thing you can do when you're feeling envious or taken for granted or whatnot is to be honest with all of your partners about it.... even if you don't know why you're feeling it. That way you can explore why you're feeling it and possibly come up with some resolution for it.

As for the moods and feelings being all over the map.... I can relate. That happens with me a lot. The best solution that I've come up with is to write things down and try to figure out what's happened to cause me to feel negatively about something... a lot of the time that writing for me happens on forums where I can get feedback, but sometimes I do it privately too. I find that if I write things down, I can much more easily look back over time and figure out what's been bothering me than trying to figue it out when I feel negatively one day and positively the next.

So, all in all, I find what works for me is a combination of introspective writing, getting feedback from other supportive people outside of my relationship and getting support from people in my relationship.

Lemondrop 05-11-2009 05:17 AM

Talk to them. That seems to be the number one piece of advice I've gotten so far. Do some thinking, figure out what you want, and then communicate it. Do you want more time with number 1 and number 2? Would you like to go on a date? Would you like more expression of affection? How would you like that to manifest?

So far, my quad has talked so much that sometimes I feel like we do nothing else.

redpepper 05-11-2009 06:05 AM

wow, can I relate.
it is a lot of talking....
It's all new it sounds like. It will most likely settle with time. It all has to be gone through and then is all settles into a routine and life goes on. At least that is what my experience has been.

MonoVCPHG 05-11-2009 07:28 AM

Specifically with respect to the quote:

"But this internal seesaw is driving me nuts".

You are not alone in feeling the agony of seesawing feelings. (nicely put by the way!) My emotional swings were almost like a physical assault that I could not push aside;

“Was this what I wanted? OMG this is incredible! Jeezuz am I'm going to hurt her; she's going to hurt me! I love this so much!”

The one emotion that never wavered was just how much I loved her. Eventually, through much communication, I decided to give myself completely to our relationship. This involved oblivious trust, which I have never given before. I opened my heart and soul to receive as much of her as she can give and to give her as much in return. We are completely vulnerable to each other..and are completely confident in the strength of our trust, compassion and love for each other.

In short..mood swings are normal, expected and should be discussed as soon as possible if the issue can be identified that is..sometimes it's just a feeling, I know.

Mark1npt 05-11-2009 03:04 PM

Marianna, you sound just like the 3rd person we recently brought into our group. She has described all the feelings you have and the emotional fluctuation back and forth seems to be what is most worrisome to her. (it doesn't help that she's also having mood swings from goign thru menopause also!) As Mono has said, just keep talking, talking, talking. It seems to be the only thing that really helps our 3rd.

marianna 05-11-2009 09:52 PM

silly question - i'm all about the communication - but i'm so bad at it - i'm afraid i guess -afraid of being so vulnerable - i know the others have more pressing needs at this time and i get that in my head - it's the internal self talk that is really not helping - also i think i'm trying to ask questions and not being able to formulate my thoughts well as far as from "I" statements. Everytime i sort of say - is everything ok - i hear it is -and that i need to relax, have fun, and just "be" (not the easiest thing for an analytical person to do). i'm working on it - but that's why i'm here, to learn, to ask questions - i know i miss the "shiny" and it was sort of like a switch flipped and now it's sort of routine. Way quick, i felt like i had turned him off quite honestly - but i'm going to practice being uncomfy in my skin (when i say that i mean to just allow myself to be and bring myself back to that energy when my mind starts to think too much).

But i do need to think about what i need - and yes - time with the other women is a big thing - i feel excluded otherwise and then it's just separate relationships - i'd love to form an emotional bond and that would make me feel so much better, would make it easier for me to breathe i think.

thank you all for your imput and keep it coming if you'd wish. What i've gleaned so far is that i'm normal - go figure :)


marianna 05-16-2009 02:39 AM

i'm having a rough day -

being the third in a quad sucks right now. Not only do i feel excluded, i feel ignored - i'm lonely, i'm hurt, and and i'm really pissed off.


Mark1npt 05-16-2009 04:14 AM

Mari....hang in there.....we are only 3 so there seems to be someone who is always left out too....we're still wrestling with how to handle all of this. My wife says this transitional period needs to proceed slowly. That seems difficult for me to grasp as we've been going about 55 mph and now we're throttling everything back to 25 mph......

Lemondrop 05-16-2009 04:51 AM

Mari--me too. Probably not for the same reasons, but it's tough for me right now. PM me if you just want to kvetch.

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