I've been lurking this thread for some time now.
I'm a married woman with kids since almost 10 years now,
and I've only recently started considering the fact that I might be poly and only bound to mono (which I've always thought I've been through and through) by fear and inadequacy feelings that wouldn't allow me to explore other options.
When I look back, apart from being obsessed with love objects that I can't really have all the way (on and off relationships etc), I've never been able to have just one love interest at a time. However, it was never a big deal since I was young and not really committed long term, although monogamous.
I first experienced extreme doubts about my relationship when I became pregnant with my then boyfriend after only a very short time into the relationship. It was highlighted by the fact that I became extremely attracted to someone very close to him,and who is inevitably part of our lives.
This has seemed like the only attraction, and it's been extremely painful as I cannot let it go and it has grown very strong.
Not until I met another man who I had the same instant chemistry with, did I understand that it was not about this other guy...it was about the fact that I am simply not completely satisfied by my husband.
Now,my husband is a very handsome guy and many women would find me incredibly greedy for not being happy - he's also very faithful and hasn't had any women before me.
I have just come to realize I am a person who is naturally flirty, loving, sexual, adventurous and attracted to many people as many people are also attracted to me - which makes it even harder.
I have no desire at all to leave my husband, but I just feel like I am about to explode inside and I have felt this way for so many years....it's like I am about to cry but the tears won't come and my chest hurts immensely. The times where I've imagined us free from boundaries, and myself free from obsession with him being just mine - I feel such endless love and relief that it's hard to explain. Yet, I don't know where to begin....I think there is a possibility he would agree down the line as we've touched on the subject before - but we fall back into possessiveness and fear very quickly - not to mention the exclusive closeness of it just being "us".
Thanks for listening guys,any advice appreciated....
Take Your Time
Iím not a trained counselor and Iím not qualified to offer advice. But I can tell you what worked for us.
My wife and I have had an open marriage since we were first married. We discovered this together within a month of first getting married.
Even so it took six years of introspection and discussion before we were certain we werenít doing anything that would hurt our relationship. For us the years spent planning created a deep bond of trust that we are capable of being honest with each other even when it came to wanting to have other relationships.
Iíve read that only 6% of married couples are capable of tolerating their spouse having any type of interaction with a member of the opposite sex. Including non-romantic interactions. And even including interactions with brothers or sisters of the opposite sex.
Iíve also read that of the 6% about half are comfortable with their spouse having a sexual relationship with someone else.
Iím not certain if that percentage would increase if there was more open, straight forward discussion and education about healthy relationships. But I think itís exceedingly important that a married couple finds ways to discuss their feelings about relationships without fear or shame.
Feeling free to explore your own thoughts with your husband is an important first step.
Itís impossible to tell where your openness with your husband about your discovery that youíd be interested in learning more about your own feelings would lead.
Perhaps heíll raise an issue that will cause you to think even more deeply about your own feelings.
For me the critical issue of being honest with my wife is far more important than the desire to have a relationship with someone else.
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