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-   -   not sure what to do (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2498)

sheiksquall 04-13-2010 08:15 PM

not sure what to do
Ok my wife and I got a girlfriend and then about a month into the relationship my wife calls it off. I know its simply due to her letting her upbringing bother her and all three of us would love to be together as well as I love my girlfriend but I also love my wife. I don't know what to do I miss my girlfriends touch so much but I don't want to loose my wife because of her confusion

LovingRadiance 04-13-2010 11:06 PM

Listen and talk.

That's what you do.


sheiksquall 04-13-2010 11:12 PM

Yes, This much i know. I just had to voice it really. Sometimes it can be so frustrating. I know in my heart I am polly and I do love my wife dearly and want to see her happy. I guess I just must work on my patients. Even if it means loosing my girlfriend I would do that for my wife. Its not that my heart would not be broken if she dose decide to move on and forget us but I must be patient.

LovingRadiance 04-13-2010 11:17 PM

The key is to (without blame) identify the fears.

I was raised with a STRONG personal faith in God.
Still have it-and still poly.

I read an article on lovemore.com in the last magazine they had on there. It was about the Bible, God etc.

Where does it say that GOD SAYS loving more than one person is WRONG? (clue, it doesn't)

The critical part of maturing in our lives is the point where we look at all we've been taught and we dissect it in order to identify what IS true for us and what IS NOT.

Sounds like your wife has hit that time, it's not easy-but it's VERY worth looking into.

Also-a lot of people seem to have a REAL personal struggle with worrying about what "everyone else" thinks.

I suggest two books-neither are about poly-but they pertain to relationships and ourselves.

Living Happily Ever After-Marsha Sinetar
The Seven Levels of Intimacy-Matthew Kelly

Great real life suggestions for resolving the issues that cause us to let fear control our actions.

sheiksquall 04-13-2010 11:22 PM

Thank you so much my wife was raised like you and I thank you for the books as she is an avid reader. Yes I also have great faith in God but i found the truth and now I cannot go back to the lie.

LovingRadiance 04-14-2010 01:51 AM

I have a great faith as well.
And I won't go back-furthermore-I don't believe that it's what God wants for me or intends for me.

Not only that but the last two Sunday services were AWESOME and this last one was great when I got to tell my husband to be sure his partner (my boyfriend who he is NOT involved with sexually) was taking good notes on the responsibilities of a husband......
(service was on the responsibilities of a husband)

Because they both hold that responsibility as far as I'm concerned.

If you want to humor yourself. REALLY read 1st Corinthians and count how many times Paul writes "I say, not the Lord" before going on about something (virginity, marriage etc) there are a number of times. You might find it interesting to read. ;)

lvfcs 04-14-2010 02:55 AM

what about the girlfriend? sheiksquall, I kow you want to protect your marriage, and I dont know all details on how the 3 of you came to be together, but given my current possition I can relate to the girlfriend and it's a horrible feeling. I can not speak for her, but when a similar situation happened on my V, I felt my feelings were worth 2 cents, because a 3rd had complete control and power on the decision. Perhaps your situation is totally different, but think on her too.

Good luck, I hope you can get past this.

sheiksquall 04-14-2010 03:45 AM

for your info the girlfriend really wants my wife to be comfortable with the situation. I know its not easy on her however she is understanding that this was a first time.

LovingRadiance 04-14-2010 04:15 AM

On the gf note.

It IS important to understand that if you are going to do poly-the "third person" is a PERSON first with feelings and needs, and a "third" only after that....

sheiksquall 04-15-2010 12:56 AM

Yes I know she dose. Belive me. Thats one of the reason things were so hard and still are hard on me. She really dose want our relationship to work but she also wants my wife to come around first. She knows full well that for us to have a solid relationship it must be built on all three of us not just one or two of us. If we are ever going to be a family it needs to be all three of us. Understand that when push comes to shove any girlfriend I get I will eventualy propose to and find somone to "marry" us. It may not be a legal marrage but I will find someone willing to do so.

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