Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Poll: For those who decided to be poly after their partner came out.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2497)

Ilove2men 04-13-2010 08:13 PM

Poll: For those who decided to be poly after their partner came out..
 
Did you decide to be poly in order to fill a void where your partner should be? Did you search out someone to ease your loneliness for your partner?


My boyfriend it seems is thinking this is HIS poly. He "wants me to be enough." But he fears that even after he moves here (hes 3 1/2 hrs away) I won't be able to satisfy his need for me. It's really hard for me to be detailed with this because I am at work and I don't want to open everything up at work and not be able to close it. But, a little history he hasn't gone about poly in the past all that well. He's hurt me and broken my trust. To me, it hurts being told I'm not enough. I'm poly and I didn't tell my fiance that I needed to supplement. It's hurtful. I supported my fiance through every insecurity and fear and once he was ready he opened the boundaries and handled it wonderfully. I want to slam his "poly" door shut right now because it just sounds all wrong. If we were mono in an LDR he wouldn't ask for a replacement, but I feel he is using my being poly to sooth missing me because we are LDR with someone else.

Is it just me that doesn't think this is okay? If he wants to pursue other relationships that's one thing, but supplementing so he can stay with me and not lose his mind because he misses me seems wrong. I told him to test out his theory, but he said he won't go through with it unless I lovingly support him, but I can't support this. Then he agreed to it. Then he took it back.

The way I see it is this, my fiance is mono. He did have a moment of jealousy where he said maybe he should get someone else that way he isn't lonely when I'm not there, but as quick as the words came out he said no! I love you and only you. I don't love or want to love anyone else. I accept that you are poly, but I don't want to be. That was the end of it. With my boyfriend it keeps popping up. He wants to be with just me but I'm not enough right now and fears that even when he moves closer I won't be enough. If he's poly so be it, if he needs a substitute when I'm not there I see nothing but destruction coming. I voiced it's not fair to the girl. He said he wouldn't treat her as a replacement, but that doesn't change that I see her as that and idk how to have a relationship with her because of it. I just worry with this struggle he's going through and how deeply his word of I'm not enough hurt me that... maybe... I don't even want to say the words x(

Ilove2men 04-13-2010 08:26 PM

Um... Wow. It totally made a poll. Didn't mean to actually make a poll. Sorry yall.

Ariakas 04-13-2010 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 26400)
Is it just me that doesn't think this is okay? If he wants to pursue other relationships that's one thing, but supplimenting so he can stay with me and not lose his mind because he misses me seems wrong. I told him to test out his theory, but he said he won't go through with it unless I lovingly support him, but I can't support this. Then he agreed to it. Then he took it back.

It wont be fair to the other person unless he is completely honest. Even if this was a pure sexual need the honesty still needs to be there.

Going to be blunt here. Why should you have a problem as long as he is completely honest about it and the other person accepts it?...

MonoVCPHG 04-13-2010 08:53 PM

If he can affectively care for two or more people in an intimate way then perhaps he is poly. Why not support him in his journey to find out? Support him while he tests the waters, be there for him the same way your husband is for you. Just my thoughts.

Ariakas 04-13-2010 09:05 PM

oh and to answer the question, no. But he may just be looking for explanations for what he is feeling, he may realize later on he isn't a tetris board looking to fill gaps and that he really does want to give others his caring and love.

The easiest way for him to currently verbalize it will be to fill gaps...

Ilove2men 04-13-2010 09:35 PM

I supported my fiance though my transition. I didn't tell him he wasn't enough and expect him to lovingly support my replacing or supplementing him. It's hurtful. If we wants to add that's one thing. Substitute is another. He's saying it's his needs for me. He doesn't want to be with anyone ect ect ect. I'm poly because I have the ability to love more than one person. I'm not trying to substitute anyone. Just because I'm poly doesn't mean that I'm okay with having a fill in. Just because I'm poly doesn't mean that being told that I'm not fulfilling what he needs from me specifically hurts any less. Like I said if we were mono he wouldn't ask for someone else because "I'm not fulfilling his needs." So why is it okay because I am. He will have more time when he moves here. Time is his need not sex. He's scared it won't be enough and this is the solution he came up with. And besides all of this, if he is poly don't I deserve the support as well? We are new to this and I've focused all of my time on their issues and their insecurities. I haven't had a chance to work on my own. And also there has been alot of turbulence recently. I have been hurt badly and I have been needing time to get myself right again not only in both my relationships, but just myself as well. I've given support. Is it so wrong of me to ask for the same. Does me being poly make me need support any less?

Ilove2men 04-13-2010 09:48 PM

If my feelings are wrong, then so be it. I just want to know who has gone about it in this way before and what the outcome was.

LovingRadiance 04-13-2010 10:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 26405)
Um... Wow. It totally made a poll. Didn't mean to actually make a poll. Sorry yall.

Damn! I was going to ask you how you got it to do that!

I didn't answer it-cause I was the one who came out.

But I was curious how you got it to do that!!

:rolleyes:

NeonKaos 04-13-2010 11:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 26405)
Um... Wow. It totally made a poll. Didn't mean to actually make a poll. Sorry yall.

It was I who made it into a "real" poll.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 26432)
Damn! I was going to ask you how you got it to do that!


It gives you the option to make a poll when you start a thread.

Moderators can do it to threads started by other people ;)

LovingRadiance 04-13-2010 11:02 PM

I'm VERY curious to see maca's reply to this. He's not online right now-but I'm VERY VERY curious.

He doesn't have a girlfriend.

He did talk a LOT at the beginning about it and my impression was that it was a "if you have one then I should too" attitude, with no consideration to actually WANTING another lover or consideration of LOVING another woman.

BUT-then he decided he didn't want one "right now" and I don't know exactly where he is now...

SO I'm curious what HE would say.

For me-I think that we all have to learn in our own way-and it sounds like he has a lot of deep soul searching to do.

BUT if it's only about "you have one so I want one" there is likely to be a new Third on the board pissed off and angry about her feelings being less than important................:rolleyes:


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:08 AM.