What are the benefits to being in a poly relationship?
One of the questions I seem to get asked a lot by non-poly friends after coming out to them is "What are the benefits of being in a polyamory relationship? What do you like about it?" and I think it's a good question so I figured I'd turn it over here... What do you like about being in a poly relationship?
Being in a polyamorous relationship (mono/poly to be specific) with Redpepper, the advantages are huge for me!
If she wasn't genuinely polyamorous I would not get to share her love and intimacy and she would not get to share mine. I also would not have discovered friendship with her husband and a broader circle of friends. Polyamory has challenged me to work on my communication abilities in certain areas and allowed me to realize how infinitely deep I can love in an intimate way.
I have learned lots about myself and people in general. Also, there is the selfish side of me that feels freer to take the time to pursue other interests such as motor biking that I enjoy immensely. She keeps me true to my other passions besides her and I am overwhelmingly passionate about her. If I sound completely head over heals for Redpepper it is because I am...she is amazing!
oh you make me sound so good monoVCPG.... heh :)
The benefits of poly for me are that I have an outlet to loving more. I am a very loving person and found in the past that I have much more to give of it than my monogamous relationships allowed. I found myself misunderstood by my partners and friends and felt trapped and held back from loving and actively caring and being compassionate for people. Loving for me is very much given in terms of physical intimacy as much as emotional and intellectual intimacy.
In my poly relationships I feel like I finally am able to feel completely at my capacity :)
Not only this but it means I have a big family and will hopefully never be alone. Something I fear.
I think that one benefit is the feeling of freedom you have when you can talk or flirt with everyone you meet without feeling guilty. You have the chance to get to know more people than you probably would in a traditional relationship. But it's obvious that polyarmory bears a lot of dangers and you have to be very careful and sensitive.
in any mono relationship i always felt something was lacking or missing, and i often found myself having feelings for more than one person and constantly berated my self for it, having never known til i was about 24 or so that was okay and i wasn't odd or wrong in some way.
now, i know what was missing, and my partners and myself are all open to following where are hearts may wander. now i am happy and don't feel like im missing something.
not to mention its wonderful to have another outlook on situations.
Imagine that you were living in a culture that expected you to be polyamorous, rather than monogamous, and which in various ways punished you for not fitting in with what that society expected and demanded of its "normal" people. Were you to feel more inclined toward a monogamous love-style, and follow your own inclinations -- despite the many challenges which would arise in being true to yourself --, would't that provide you with an opportunity to stretch, learn and grow?
I have been tremendously challenged as one growing up as a queer boy/man in a homophobic and heterosexist society, and now that I'm opening up to polyamory in a bigger way, I'm likewise being challenged by that opportunity to accept and embrace -- and unfold, express -- and love who and what I am as I am.
There are perhaps no special advantages to being polyamorous as opposed (or contrasted) to/with monoamory. But it is always good to be true to who we are in the face of unthinking adversaries and adversities.
Well, and then there's the thing about variety being the spice of life! Isn't it?! I love variety. I also love huevos rancheros for breakfast -- but not EVERY DAY, thank you!
There's no shame in my not wanting to eat huevos rancheros for every breakfast, is there?
WHAT'S NOT TO LOVE??? That's usually my response. :) I do have to clarify for a lot of people though that it's not just about the sex. (That's usually the first thing they think when they see me walk in with the wives)
It's a little bit of what everyone here has said. The communication that we all share is unparalleled by any monogamous couple we know. I'm not saying that Poly is the best way, but that's one of the most obvious perks to our lifestyle. I doubt that my love for my wife would be as deep and profound had we not started the poly lifestyle. Trust is NEVER an issue. How great is that??
We can all look at and flirt with whomever we want!! I never have to worry if I'm gonna get slapped because I looked at that girls...you get the idea. ;) I also never have to worry about jealous feelings because of that level of trust that we have.
All in all, I don't see any downsides to being in a Poly relationship. Sure, it's tougher at the start than a monogamous relationship, but as far as I'm concerned it's all worth it in the end. :)
And above all – Redpepper (polyamory has allowed me to share with her, not given her to me LOL!)
Having said that, being a monogamous person, if it wasn't for the immense love I found in one person who happened to be a polyamorous person, I would never have considered being involved in this love style.
There is stuff I don't love about it, but my relationship is based on the intimate love of one person and caring love I have for others in her life. I don't think polyamory is worth it for me in the sense of me seeking it out, but she is worth it a thousand fold. (I won't share the things I don't love as they are negative and aren't constructive to helping therefore should remain my own. I would hate to reinforce someone else’s concerns)
I would find it hard to believe I am not the only person who loves someone enough to overcome challenges to enjoy their love in a polyamorous relationship. But there are immense challenges in monogamous relationships too, which I was unable to overcome.
So do I credit the love style or the individual with enabling me to overcome the challenges? I credit the individual with providing the determination to overcome my differences with the love style and I credit the love style for providing me the opportunity to grow.
If tomorrow I were no longer in a polyamorous relationship, I would not seek out another. That is just honesty.
I intend to put everything I have into maintaining, growing and embracing this wonderful relationship forever. We (Redpepper, her husband, her lovers, her family and me,) have something that is absolutely incredible no matter what label I apply to it.
What isn’t to love about that?!
Has Polyamory Been Worth It?
Obviously each individual can only answer that for themself.
But the question came up today. Maca asked me after I pointed out to him that this month will be 1 year since the night I wrote him a letter saying I was sorry, but this was me and I couldn't pretend to do monogomy anymore.
He asked me if it had been worth it to me.
I said yes. The fact that we've finally got a REAL relationship, a REAL connection could make most anything worth it.
He wrote me back, "believe it or not its been worth it to me too".
I couldn't help but smile.
It wasn't easy. In fact, it's been hell quite a bit of the time.
However, the value of what we've found, the happiness, the security, the confidence, has all been worth the effort we had to put in.
I love you M.
I love you GG.
Isn't that a never ending question? It goes on and on, life goes on and on... it isn't a static thing. It's a lifestyle that some chose or don't.
It's like asking if eating that piece of watermelon is worth it to me. It sustained me to eat it and I enjoyed it. Would I eat it again, yes. Did I need to eat it, yes. do I regret it? that doesn't make sense to the context. Was it worth it? Also doesn't make sense to the context for me.
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