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-   -   Needs some help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2489)

XaNaToS 04-12-2010 05:03 AM

Needs some help
Hello everyone im new here and well i guess im having a few issues understanding what im supposed to do next. my wife of 10 years has had issues with depression for years and about 2 years ago she found out that she was poly and that she had met someone online that she had fallen in love with.Well i took it very hard and because i was so apposed to the idea of having to share her it eventually broke us up....we were apart for almost a year but our feelings for each other never changed and we got back together. Over the last month or so now she met someone new and i fear that it will end up the same way if i dont get help figuring out how to deal with it. My biggest problem is the thought of another man touching her while im off all alone. Is this something that a person who feels so against the physical aspects of this can actually get over?
I love her with all of my heart and quite honestly cant live without her but i know that me saying that she cant explore her feelings is going to cause a huge ammount of resentment in our relationship....id like nothing more than to tell her im fine with everything i just dont know how to get all the bad feelings inside to stop.If anyone can lend me some good advice i really would love to hear it...thanks :)

redpepper 04-12-2010 06:44 AM

hello there, it is possible to get over it, sometimes. It will take a lot of work, but for me it took meeting the person. I trust my partner to pick positive people to be in his life but that took some time and needed to be proved to me. The ones he loves right now all got to know me and appreciated that I am his wife and that I have some history with him. Not that I am any better than they are, but that I was someone they needed to respect as much as they respect and care for him. It just works that way for us in our relationship and quite frankly seems to work best for most established poly people. When I don't know who my husband is seeing I get that same feeling of "yuuuck" at the thought of someone touching him. The mystery of them makes it yucky for me. As soon as I see their face, experience them and see that they are worthy of him that feeling often goes away. When it doesn't, then I suspect that my gut reaction to them needs investigating.

I hope you have a good read on these forums because this very topic has been brought up many times before. You are not alone with your feelings and perhaps doing some investigating on here will help you to find your own poly way with your wife.

good luck :)

MonoVCPHG 04-12-2010 06:54 AM

Pretty much what she said :)

GroundedSpirit 04-12-2010 02:19 PM


Originally Posted by XaNaToS (Post 26250)
.......... My biggest problem is the thought of another man touching her while im off all alone. Is this something that a person who feels so against the physical aspects of this can actually get over?

Hi Xanatos,

Well - although your concern with the physical aspects may feel like the biggest fear right now, I suspect if you really dig deeper you'll discover it's more than that. :)

But being at peace with the physical stuff (sex) is probably the easiest part to get in perspective. It's a great place to start though.

Sex is a physical process and need. (yea - I know someone who will say it's more - topic for another time). Think of it like having your favorite meal or diving into cool water on a hot day. Physical pleasure and satisfaction. Nothing more.
So what's the big deal ? Would you seriously restrict your mate froma wonderful dinner or getting cooled off ? I don't think so. In fact, you probably feel good for her.

Therin lies the key to keeping sex in the proper perspective. It's JUST sex ! Whoooo Hooooo Be happy and pass the towel.


XaNaToS 04-12-2010 03:04 PM

Thanks for the posts everyone :] well i guess my biggest fear in all of this comes with myself...With me i guess ive always looked at sex as something that was special...for me sex is never just sex, its something you share with only the most special person in your life. I am aware that im not the only one that she feels this way about and thats why im here i guess. I dont want to deny her her feelings in any way and she doesnt want me to deny mine as well but being so insecure with myself makes it really hard for us to come to a point where we bowth feel ok.I know shews not gonna wait forever for me to say its all good and i dont expect her too.Fear of the grass being greener on the other side or it being so much better with someone else has a tendency to overcloud your emotions and your judgement and this is what i want to overcome for her.I know what she thinks of me and our own sex life and im happy with the answers but its not helping it go away.It is new to me actually trying to move forward with her [tried the whole changing her thing the first time and it broke us up]and it is getting easyer when were arownd each other....its just the fears of when were not. does this only work if im completely confedent in myself? cause i think thats where i lack things the most.

SchrodingersCat 04-13-2010 04:37 AM

Confidence definitely helps. Insecurities tend to keep us from growth. I know it seems biased to say that learning to be at ease with your wife's polyamory is "growth" but I think anything that we endure which is difficult helps us grow when we come out on the other end.

GS's advice is good for people who see sex as "just" sex. But if you're not one of those people, perhaps the opposite might be easier? If you can get comfortable with the idea of your wife being in love with a second man, maybe it will be easier to handle her expressing that love physically? To that end, RP's suggestion of getting to know the guy could help.

Sex is different for everyone, but the bottom line here is that if you want this all to work out, you will need to learn to cope with the feelings and hopefully turn them into something positive. Not saying it will easy, in fact I can pretty much guarantee it will be difficult, but love is worth it!

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