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-   -   Texting (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2487)

findingme 04-11-2010 08:50 PM

Texting
 
Within my relationship, where my partner of several years has recently fallen in love with someone else, he has been texting her what feels to me to be almost constantly when we are together. I have got him to agree that it is a little unfair for him to be texting when we are eating together, but it does seem like he texts her all the time, including when we are out together, in the house together, pretty much anywhere. I thought it was me being unreasonable as I am having a few problems getting used to the idea of a polyamorous relationship, plus they get very, very little time together - only a few hours snatched together, or conversations at work (they both work at the same place and her husband and family do not know, esp. difficult as we are in a small community). However, we recently had some friends staying with us, and they commented that he was on his phone an awful lot - one of them suggested that it was close to be an addiction to his mobile, and the other said that it was to the point of being rude to others around.

What are other peoples thoughts on electronic communication in poly relationships? Internet, mobiles and e-mails certainly add a whole extra dimension to how time is shared and what is considered to be shutting out - or not- those around.

It would be very interesting to see what people think.

Thanks

Derbylicious 04-11-2010 09:07 PM

I think that if you are allowing them time to be alone together to converse ect. The same courtesy should be offered to you. Ask your SO to set aside certain times every week that are just for the 2 of you. It's infuriating to never have the focus on you.

-Derby

NeonKaos 04-11-2010 09:34 PM

If the Girlfriend's Husband™ does not know, then it is Not A Polyamorous Relationship™, it is an Extramarital Affair™ (i.e. "cheating").

Is SHE texting HIM while she's with her husband?

vandalin 04-11-2010 10:07 PM

Agrees with YGirl on the "name" of the relationship. But to the OP's original question...

It doesn't matter the relationship of the people around. "Common courtesy" dictates that one is not on the phone or texting (which is basically the same thing) when one is eating with others, spending quality time with others, etc. It is plain rude. A single text or a quick call is ok if they are letting the other person know that they are busy and will text/call later. The fact that he couldn't stop himself while he had company who don't know the nature of the relationship is even more rude and embarrassing to you, IMO.

TL4everu2 04-12-2010 03:32 AM

I have to agree with the previous posts. I can't STAND it when someone is texting while I'm trying to have a conversation with them. It's infuriating. Plus, it appears that your SO is going through the "new relationship fire". Remember when the two of you first met? You both wanted to CONSTANTLY be together. Kinda like in high school when you called your bf or gf and said "Ok, you hang up first" Then they said "No, YOU hang up first", then you said "No, YOU hang up first". and this went on for like an hour. What you are watching is basically the same thing. He is falling in love with her. It's beautiful, yet sickening at the same time in a weird way. Let their love flourish, yet remind him that you love him also, and that you don't want to be overshadowed by his new interest.

kamala 04-12-2010 03:59 AM

Agree with previous posts. I don't even think it's got much to do with poly - I wouldn't be impressed if close friends, family members etc. constantly texted someone else while they were with me. If your partner has decided to call the setup a polyamorous one (despite important people not knowing!) then he has to learn to accommodate both of you...

SchrodingersCat 04-12-2010 06:01 AM

My 16-year-old step-daughter is similarly glued to her phone. Before we cut her off for not paying the bill, she was logging **6000** text messages a month (for those who don't want to do the math, that's 200 per day).

But she has the excuse of being a teenage girl, and we expect nothing less ;)

I don't have any specific advice, but I agree with you and everyone here that his manners are lacking. It's great to be in love and to express it, but you deserve attention too.

It doesn't do any good to impose superficial rules his texting behaviour. Artificial constraints treat symptoms, not underlying issues.

He's probably just being an oblivious guy and doesn't realize how rude it is. Guys tell me all the time that they really are oblivious, they don't do these stupid things intentionally to piss us off, they're just genuinely clueless.

Maybe if they had more face-time, they wouldn't feel the need to text so much?

At any rate, if she's cheating on her husband, it's only a matter of time before he finds out and the whole thing explodes in their faces. That should put a quick and sure end to your problem...

redpepper 04-12-2010 06:59 AM

well, I know that you probably aren't going to want to hear this, but what the heck, it won't be the first time that people on here haven't wanted to hear what I say, so I am sure you will take it or leave it....

If her husband doesn't know then "texting" would be the least of my worries. I would be asking him to stop all contact with her entirely. Absolutely under no circumstance would I be okay with my husband engaging in any kind of romantic communication with anyone who is in a relationship with someone that doesn't know their partner is conversing in that way. There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up before anyone moves on to texting another lover.

That being said, I had this complaint from my husband a couple of years ago. We now have it worked out that I don't text while I am with him during quality time. If we are just hanging out I will text a bit, but limit myself to something that needs taking care of now. I usually tell him what it is I need to take care of and then end it as soon as I can. The same when I am with any of my loves... if we are having quality time the phone goes on phone only and I only check it to see if there is a text in regards to my son, if he is not with me. This same rule applies when I spend quality time with him (although I don't need to check for babysitters during that time, obviously :D). Sometimes this gets vague and I often am left with not one single second of the day to myself and have to check texts during quality time. I try my best to keep it minimal and get it done so the phone goes away.

I hate it when others are on their phone around me. Absolutely hate it. So I think that helps me keep it in perspective. I like to know what it is that is drawing them away from me and be a part of what they are doing, but if I don't know I just plain find it rude and inexcusable for the long haul.

GroundedSpirit 04-12-2010 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 26259)
.......There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up

Hey RP,

Awwww right you <grin>

Not letting you get away with a statement like THAT ! :)

Somebody has to represent reality and logic. We've all seen and had way to much discussion on "cheating" - even on here - for anyone to come away with the belief that cheating is never desirable and never forgivable.

Cheating, as undesirable as it is, is a fact of life & relationships in our current culture. Better to not over react to it, accept it as just one phase of learning about how to have a HEALTHY relationship, and get to work (physically and emotionally) on building those skills. People make mistakes. They do it because it was the best way they could come up with to deal with a situation at the time. The silver lining isn't in condemnation but education.

So there <grin>

But that's all off topic. Sorry.

Does anyone but me remember the time when cell phones etc were used primarily or almost exclusively for EMERGENCY purposes (or necessary business functions for primarily mobile jobs)

This is a cultural shift that to me borders on sick & destructive. We can't be in 37 places at the same time, have 37 different, unrelated conversations and really put our best effort and focus into ANY of them !
So why even try ?
Believe it or not, there was a time when we looked people in the eye, had a REAL conversation, finished and moved on to whatever was next in our day or night. The world survived. Moved along quite nicely without our attention.
As others have mentioned, the whole concept of being interrupted by an electronic watchdog during a personal interaction is simply rude & ignorant. Uncaring.

On the other hand, the "gizmo" has the advantage of being easily ignored. Much easier than a rude person. It has an OFF button ! Or a silence one. Try using it ! And try telling ALL your contacts that they are not to under any circumstances try to contact you unless it's critical or an emergency. Because if they do you will be equally rude to them and either hang up or ignore them. And an "emergency" does NOT consist of what cool thing they just saw or that they are in a pissy mood.
Save it for when we see each other.

:)

GS

Ariakas 04-12-2010 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 26277)
Does anyone but me remember the time when cell phones etc were used primarily or almost exclusively for EMERGENCY purposes (or necessary business functions for primarily mobile jobs)

Yes I do.

Quote:

This is a cultural shift that to me borders on sick & destructive. We can't be in 37 places at the same time, have 37 different, unrelated conversations and really put our best effort and focus into ANY of them !
hmmmm....as an IT guy who hates most technology...I can honestly say that the blackberry has saved me from being on call 24/7, lets me stay in touch without trying to hard etc. It has been a godsend. Now like any and all tools, does it get abused. Yes. Don't blame the tool, blame the human :D


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