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-   -   Why is it harder? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24852)

Adam 06-19-2012 12:22 AM

Why is it harder?
Disclaimer: a bit of a rant here.

So, if you've read my previous (first) post here, you're privy to the details and background of my story. If not, I'll give you the abridged version.

My wife and I, through whatever catalyst, introspection and soul searching has led us here, are moving into the Poly world. We've discussed at length, had all the necessary conversations, and things moved a bit quick from there. She went on a business trip, met a coworker she'd been communicating through work, they hit it off (so to speak).
She comes home (nothing's happened, just a dinner-date) and we talk some more. Lot's of happiness and compersion abound. Month goes by, they'r emailing & texting (no-holds-barred style). Now plans are tentatively drawn for a liaison over a weekend.

Here's my strife. We're married. We're experimenting with Poly. She's not even a week into the process of researching it and finds someone she's starting to fall in love with. Her beau is very understanding and accepting of the whole situation and rather cool with the poly ideals (lucky us to find such a guy, what with typical male possessiveness).
Why is it so much harder for a guy in the same situation (me) to meet women? Not even poly-friendly women, just a 'foot-in-the-door' kind of meeting? It's like they see the ring and look the other way.
I know gender has almost everything to do with it, in the context of society. Men are 'supposed' to be horn-dogs and uncaring as to the marital status of a woman who's interested in him, whilst women are 'supposed' to be forever enchanted once they find their one true love, yet never despoil the trappings of another woman.
This is what society teaches us.

Now, and I do not mean to sound arrogant or conceited (in fact, I'm almost painfully modest at times), but I consider myself to be a relatively attractive man with a lot going for me.
Yet, why do we start at such a disadvantage? Why does it have to be that way?

In the words of Gavin Katz (Pedestrian Polyamory podcast), I just want some ice cream too!

A battle-royale of the sexes is not needed nor intended. This is just a rant, as aforementioned.

Any words of wisdom/advice?

CielDuMatin 06-19-2012 12:32 AM

Three words: "Supply and Demand"

Look at any of the online dating sites - the number of men looking far outweighs the number of women. Women can afford to be picky.

Now why that imbalance is there, I have no clue.

lovefromgirl and I both signed up to OKCupid at the same time - she regularly gets visits and messages from guys who are interested. The only visits I get are ones who come to me through her page (her age, her location). I have written some social types of messages, and rarely do I get an answer.

I'm lucky, in that I'm not looking (the main reason I signed up was so that lovefromgirl and I could check out the profiles of folks that had expressed an interest in her), but if I WAS looking, I would also be mightily frustrated.

Adam 06-19-2012 12:43 AM

Firstly, I too am on OKCupid and share your progress. I am starting to feel that such sites are merely for men to pursue women and women to receive attention.
That said, I actually have come across both lovefromgirl's profile and yours (through hers, obviously), so I think we're in a rather close geographical net...

Moreover though, I'm talking IRL (in real life for those not up on the lingo ;) ).
I know I'm at least respected or respectable, but as a stay at home dad who does the shopping (with an infant strapped on my back) and wearing a wedding ring, how would I ever get the chance to inform a 'fine example of female attention' that I'm available? Should I wear a sign? Should I open with "I'm married, yes, but my wife let's me date..."?

I don't know, maybe I just need to meet more people, make more friends? (in my free time, right?)

Anyway, thanks for the response to my rant :)

CielDuMatin 06-19-2012 01:14 AM

Well, one of the ways to bypass all the online stuff is to meet folks in real life. I have found that poly social gatherings can get you to know many similarly-minded people. I have always attended on the basis of making friends, though, rather than attempting to find a date - it becomes too much of a meat market with raised expectations and that just causes everything to feel awkward.

Find a local group that suits you and go meet a few people, would be my advice. Take a night off from being the house-husband and have some time for yourself, you know?

Adam 06-19-2012 01:25 AM


Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 140107)
Take a night off from being the house-husband and have some time for yourself, you know?

Would love to! Let's see.. next opening in my schedule is...........

Part of the problem is that I live at least 30 minutes outside of any metro area, and I'm also a full-time student as well as a full-time stay at home dad.

We'll see ;)

LotusesandRoses 06-19-2012 01:41 AM

It's just harder on stay at home parents - I'm seeing a stay at home mother who found dating women very challenging. She has a great husband who I'm also seeing, and she has me; I like to think that between him and me, what we lack in numbers, we make up for in quality. :D

Don't be in a rush to find a partner. Wait for the right person - I met Mrs. Nice through her husband and there was an instant attraction (on my part). There was no sifting or looking on her end. It just sort of happened.

CielDuMatin 06-19-2012 02:09 AM

I know that time can be tricky sometimes - but you are married - couldn't she look after the kids while you go out one evening occasionally?

My (educated) guess is that you are about half an hour to 45 minutes from a metro centre that has poly gatherings about once a month ;)

NovemberRain 06-19-2012 03:31 AM


Originally Posted by Adam (Post 140108)
Would love to! Let's see.. next opening in my schedule is...........

Part of the problem is that I live at least 30 minutes outside of any metro area, and I'm also a full-time student as well as a full-time stay at home dad.

We'll see ;)

So, I have a question. If you don't have time to go to a social meeting to make friends (and perhaps find potential partners), how will you have time to date potential partners?

Can you go to social events involving the kids? I'm sure libraries are full of moms with kids. Maybe she's married, but maybe she has a single friend who's just right for you. Maybe she has a poly friend who's just right for you.

Personally? I've always done better making friends and then realizing I'd like to date them, than I have 'meeting dates.'

lovefromgirl 06-19-2012 03:53 AM

Piping up to say I've messaged you on OKC, Adam, if you are who my little birdies think you are, and to reiterate in a very public way that the problem isn't you. :) It's harder to date, period, when you're not in a city or a suburb, and it's worse when you have responsibilities on top of that.

In terms of the numbers game on OKC, I count five in all five years I've had a profile. The pickings there are slim; a lot are looking for sex first and foremost. A few think they can rope a filly from the poly herd. Very few can possibly have passed middle school English. These things matter!

I only met CdM when I told myself to quit looking and go get some perspectives on poly at a local group. I didn't know he'd be there or that we'd click! Honest! The universe tossed us in each other's paths and lo, four years later, there's a small but thriving polycule here in Western NY. Sheer serendipity. Had I not met him, I would in all likelihood still be single. Awesome just doesn't happen every day.

Pretzels 06-19-2012 04:03 AM

Think of this as you would any other major life change - when you hit puberty, did you have a girlfriend the next day? Likely no. So don't put unreasonable expectations on your new identity. Relax and have fun. The right one will wander along.

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