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-   -   In the Beginning....Your First Time??? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24824)

Mahogany 06-18-2012 04:06 AM

In the Beginning....Your First Time???
 
Well he found a partner, we all met today and talked. They have a past, won't go into it but if you want to know....just ask. She is great, fine with my boundaries and everything.

Being excited, he asked to go see her tonight. I told him I was OK with it. They have my OK to do what they please, sex between them can happen. He is there now and surprisingly (in this moment I am fine). I have been for the last hour. I am a bit anxious/nervous, not sure why. I feel excited though too and not sure why. I'm even turned on in a way....for some reason (is that normal?)

I keep thinking to myself, "how can I be OK with this, when everything and everyone (society) preaches against it??"

Is this normal? How did you feel your very first time (the first time your primary knew you were out with your partner, or knowing your primary was out with their partner)?

NovemberRain 06-18-2012 05:45 AM

You're perfectly normal, let's start there. I think it's awesome that you're mostly fine, slightly nervous, and a tad turned on.

I don't think of them as primary/other-than-primary, but the first time I went to see FBF, when CBF knew I was leaving town to go do so, I was pretty freaked out. But 5+ years of waiting and NRE were good drivers... I stayed in touch with email (CBF could not have cared less...he was at home entertaining himself). Driving home, I was positively high. I was the luckiest girl in the world.

There's a thread in here somewhere, by KyleKat (I think that's his nick), where he talks very eloquently about his feelings during his wife's first venturing out. I recommend that to you (sorry, I'm not so great with the researching and the linking).

Mahogany 06-18-2012 07:41 AM

He returned home as scheduled...one of my boundaries is no overnights....that may change as time passes, but I don't think so. I asked him if sex happened, he said yes. And I am not hurt, not angry, not jealous, not sad. It actually excited me (I must be a perv) :p so I ask for a general run down....not too detailed, just what sexual acts. This was by phone, he texted me once he was on his way home.

He came to bed, I was happy he was home...we talked, and he asked for sex.....I didn't try anything because I didn't think he would be in the mood, and I wanted to respect his experience with her. I was surprised and happy he wanted me when he got home.

So things are more than fine for now. :)

Novemberrain - thanks for the reference, I read it....great thread. And thank you for letting me know I am normal. And thank you for sharing your first experience.

I hope others will share too.....

Dreamy 06-19-2012 11:13 PM

Thanks for sharing. IMO you handled it better than most!

Mahogany 06-20-2012 12:53 AM

You know Dreamy, that's what worries me. Is there something I'm missing? With the boundaries I have in place, its all good ...but if crossed then :(


I did have a bit of aftershock....which stemmed from something I learned about after their rendevous. But I am fine now, we talked about it and hubby assured me things are fine.

Trying to take things at face value and not read into things that aren't there or over analyze.I have read so many posts filled with hurt, that I pray I am not kidding myself. If it is so wonderful, poly, why so much pain?

Dreamy 06-20-2012 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahogany (Post 140252)
I have read so many posts filled with hurt, that I pray I am not kidding myself. If it is so wonderful, poly, why so much pain?

I'm not experienced but IMO many people decide to be poly, but that's a logical decision. Then something happens that triggers them emotionally. Particularly if they suffered any kind of mistreatment before they became an adult, which most people have. So they have more of a gut reaction, or overreaction. They imagine too many things until they get reassured. And it's pretty normal when we don't have experience, and if we grew up with mono teachings. But some people are lucky enough to not get triggered, or they know how to calm themselves. And some people even have less innate jealousy.

Mahogany 06-20-2012 04:36 AM

Dreamy - that makes so much sense, especially when you mention our pre-programmimg from mono teachings. I often wonder "would some. Currently I am happy w of our set back a even happen if we grew up surrounded by poly?" I honestly think not. Of course, it wouldn't be perfect, no relationship is, but lots of the insecurities/jealousy wouldn't be....that's what I believe. If the right boundaries and respect was in place.

It would be nice to see more posts on how awesome things are too though.....but many people find the need to post for advice and insight....including me. I am so afraid at times, probably because of the way I was raised that we are making a mistake, but there is this other part of me, a strong voice that I cannot ignore, something in me that is rooting for poly. If things stay the way they are we will be just fine.

Dreamy 06-20-2012 05:48 AM

Yes. I'm imagining a kid growing up in a poly family. Harder for them to be monogamous one day, after seeing a good poly example. (Though personally I think there is more to it than learning and nurture.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahogany (Post 140267)
It would be nice to see more posts on how awesome things are too

Did you see this huge thread about successes? Many of the positive posts are consolidated there.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197

Mahogany 06-20-2012 05:53 AM

No, I haven't seen those posts yet. I'll take a look at them.

You mentioned more to it than learning and nurture, what did you mean? Enlighten me if you will....the more insight the better you know.

Dreamy 06-20-2012 05:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mahogany (Post 140279)
You mentioned more to it than learning and nurture, what did you mean? Enlighten me if you will....the more insight the better you know.

Oh, I tend to think we are born with predispositions for what types of poly we want, or if we are "wired" mono. I'm not sure about it. I know many believe genetics doesn't play a part.


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