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Magenta 06-17-2012 08:41 PM

space and time
Hi there,

I'm not sure whether I'm doing the real poly thing (whatever that would be) but I have a question that is related.

I am married with three kids, living with my husband. We get along quite well as long as I have the freedom to see others (which is rather new to us and still makes me feel very bad).
Before we decided to open up I felt under pressure, this has faded now. Being able to hang out with others relieves me. I don't project all my expectations on one single person... which makes us get along better.
He was very hurt when I first mentioned I wanted to open our relationship, but now seems okay with the situation.

I don't know whether we are actually loving partners anymore. I do care about him. A lot. But we haven't had sex for five years :eek: and I can't imagine this anymore. (A note on this: We have always been imbalanced, me wanting more sex than him. In the last years he never took any initiative. If I didn't start it, there was no sex. I felt neglected but didn't want to bother him. Big mistake, I know. I hoped that he would miss our sex life eventually and would show me he wanted me - but no. So now we are here. - But we had other issues as well.)

So this is how we live. Three kids, two parents getting along but not entirely sure how future looks. We will always be connected, we care about each other and we care about our kids. But I have to learn to care about myself, too, again.

And now I'm wondering:
How, when and where can I meet other people? I can't bring them home, that's for sure. Here goes my husband's border and I have to respect that. Actually I can't imagine that either.
So do we have do rent a second apartment? How do you guys solve this?!?

This was basically it. A simple question, a lot of text ;)

Thanks for reading me :)

swingorpoly 06-17-2012 11:17 PM

Wow...that's a lot of issues for a simple question. I would suggest you have a relationship to fix first before worrying where you end up with a lover.

As far as the actual question, For myself we ended up buying a condo in a nearby city for a variety of reasons, one was to make it our little sex den but you could always meet at their place. We met people that had common interests, my wife through her gym, me through a non-profit society.

Here's a thought and i'm trying to not make assumptions but you tend to have to in a forum. If you're going to be poly it's all about trust, openess and honesty. Obviously there's a reason he's not wanting sex, be it medical, attraction some sort of hurt etc. Can you be open and understanding and focus on him even if your feelings get hurt? Maybe even ask him to email it to you ao there is no emotion or less emotion. The trick is getting to the root of the problem and tackling it instead of the jealousy or hurt. E.g. If he says, well you've gained a lot of weight and i just don't find it attractive. One response could be .....well you asshole, you're no spring chicken either tubby!!! Or, you could say, well obviously it'll take some time to change that but i'm willing, if you are there to help me. For every milestone we reach i want you to plan a nice romantic evening.

That example is a little harsh but it was to demonstate that openess can sometimes be blunt. You have to take emotion out of it or it just becomes emotion feeding on emotion.

Goodluck, my other thought was maybe go to a swing club instead and use the sexually charged atmosphere for rekindling, discussions but don't plan on doing anything.

I'm new at this though so take it with a grain of salt. I also have a great relationship to start from.

Magenta 06-18-2012 05:37 PM

Thanks for your response.

I know the circumstances are not what people advise. But that's life, I'll have to deal with the way things developed.

We actually define the relationship as broken but simply can't afford to but a second home. Renting is almost impossible in this town. We live in a gresat neighbourhood with many friends literally next door, our kids go to a brilliant school around the corner - most of the time I feel that the situation at home doesn't make me suffer 'enough' to make me give up all that. If this relationship was physically or emotionally violent, this would be different, but we are friends and get along well.

But of course, this is the reason for my first sentence above. I'm not sure whether this counts as poly. We do care for each other, but we are not in a romantic relationship any more. So basically we are just friends.

Re: being open and understanding: I've tried for ages. He just doesn't want to talk about sex. Neither about things he might like, nor about things that don't work out (e.g. his erectile dysfunction - and trust me, I was really really careful when trying to talk to him about this). I can't reach him. And after five years, I don't want anymore, it hurts too much. And again, sex was just one of several issues - no more but no less either.

So we talked about getting divorced and moving away. Then we realised that (at the moment) we find it easier to give each other the freedom to have other relationships and still parent together and be with each other on a platonic basis. We might decide otherwise in half a year, but this is our idea right now.

And now I wonder: How can we let other people into our hearts when we can't bring them home? Maybe a small appartment will do? Does this all sound too pragmatic...?

lovefromgirl 06-18-2012 05:40 PM

You know, if the relationship essentially isn't, I wonder why your husband would even care that someone's coming into the home. Would you object to him bringing partners home?

swingorpoly 06-18-2012 06:05 PM

I feel for you and him. It's too bad it has come down this road. Obviously you both care for each other and have a lot of respect for each other. Friends without benefits i suppose is where it is at like you said. For now meet others on their own turf physically and ask if non-physical interactions can occur in public or the home. Just don't flaunt it, treat your others like any other good friend when they come over.

Good luck.

Magenta 06-18-2012 08:35 PM

Well he said he would mind, and I believe him. I would probably also mind but he's far from bringing someone. It was me who started talking about breaking up. Somehow he had wanted to carry on our relationship...
So there is a bias in this whole situation.

I could never relax when my SO is around, our house is too small. No, bringing someone simply wouldn't feel okay, for none of us - the kids included.

I had a short relationship with a girl some months ago. My husband knew this from the very beginning and we always met at her place. This was possible because she had a place of her own, but not everybody has (I haven't ;)). Still it was complicated as she lived in another town 35 miles from here.

Some days I feel hypocrite in this situation. In these moments, I think I should make a clear cut and just move on. Raise the kids in a 50-50 model with him, but start all over again. On my own.
The next minute I am convinced that it is society that makes me think that way, because this is what you are supposed to do if you want to share your bed with someone else. That's why I think I might fit here anyway. I don't want to base these vital decisions on what society thinks is supposed to happen, but I want to listen to the people involved.

lovefromgirl 06-18-2012 10:50 PM

Clowns to the left of you, jokers to the right... I'd cut and run, personally. If what you want is to move on, and it's feasible for you, do it. Get a little one- or two-bedroom apartment (depending on number of kids/your willingness to sleep on a futon in the living room), be friends with your ex, raise the kids out of two happier, healthier homes.

IrisAwakened 06-18-2012 11:13 PM

I am in a very similar situation, only a bit more evolved on the poly end. My husband and I rarely have sex. We both have great drive and we used to have awesome chemistry together, but for the last two years its been gone. I just don't want to have sex with my husband anymore. I have a boyfriend who more than sates my sexual thirst, and that is alright.

I hear "relationship broken, don't add more" all too often, but in my experience, every relationship has issues to fix, all the time. Some times are tougher than others. Also, you haven't had sex in way wayy too long, I would consider you getting that fulfillment paramount to your current relationship, as it might help relieve some pressure and help you focus on issues.

I often wonder if my husband and I should split. We don't fight or anything, we love each other. But it is more of a familial love at this point. I care for him as the father of my children and a good friend, but that is about it. In dating a new man I have realized just how much I have been going without for years now. He cares for me and is actively attracted to me. It is just something that I need to be happy, to feel sexually attractive to another person. You have these rights too.

Please PM me if you want someone to talk to in great detail about any issues you are having.

Anneintherain 06-19-2012 01:32 AM

Is it bringing nobody home period, or just not being intimate in the home? Lots of people ask for no sex in their home with other partners, especially in a small house with kids, but being able to bring a romantic partner around as friends is something that might be OK for some of those people.

If your husband is home when you'd want to have people over, it seems pretty important that he might want to get along with the other person - and you might be surprised that how your husband feels today, he may feel vastly different about it a few weeks from now.

And if I wasn't able to have a partner over here, then I'd stick to dating people who are able to entertain me in their home, or I'd fine a nice inexpensive motel for the more intimate date nights. I happened to wonder sometimesabout renting a small office space for a love den - some of them have bathrooms and they're much less expensive than an apartment - seems so tawdry, but in a sexy way.

Wish I had more useful advice. I met both my husband and my boyfriend on OKcupid.com, lots of people meet people in groups for hobbies and whatnot.

Magenta 06-19-2012 06:59 AM

Thank you all for your kind and helpful replies!!

You definitely have a point and I often feel this is the only thing to do. I'll actually check out an apartment tomorrow which happens to be for rent close to my home and which I could share with a friend's friend to save some money. I imagine to be based in our house, though, and only sleep in the apartment once or twice a week. But then I could bring home whoever I want. Amazing! :eek: Even if it's only friends for having some beers together. My husband is not a very social person. (He'd never ask me not to bring home people but I feel how he gets uncomfortable so I keep it to a minimum.)
Okay, that's no clear cut, I admit. I blame the extraordinary housing costs over here. And I hope I'm not just taking the easy way out by blaming them...

Great to hear about people in similar situations! Does your husband see someone else? Have you always had a poly-friendly relationship with him or did you open up when you met your bf? Where and when do you meet with your bf? Do the kids know?

He didn't want my gf (or someone else) to sleep over in our house. They have met, we had dinner together once and he actually invited her for coffee once (when she brought me home). But that's about it and I think it's reasonable. At least as long as he has the idea that we should carry on. Maybe this would change if would date someone, but I can't really see this happening. He is also very sensitive to what people think which often keeps him from doing what is good for him (in many respects).
So even if I understand his wish and will definitely respect it, bringing someone for dinner once every other month is not enough for me.

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