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-   -   Poly tune up (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24811)

swingorpoly 06-17-2012 05:49 PM

Poly tune up
Hi, i'm new to the forum and just thought i'd discuss my relationships as a tune up from the more experienced poly people.

I am male, married to E for 8 years. Mid thirties couple. Late last year my wife and i decided we would like to try poly (many discussions, much openness and love) and she begun pursuing a young buck. I took a different tactic and decided that i just wanted a friend and confidante and opened up to a younger girl who I had a friendship with. The coles notes version was that i ended up dating my confidante (J) and my wife was rejected by the guy. It as more about not wanting to be in a poly relationship than anything else. (now before you assume anything we don't have a thing for young people it was just the way it worked out.). Anyways it was rough for my wife while she adjusted to my relationship and we had some ups and downs. Especially with it being the first poly experience. We all had a threesome together as well but primarily it was my relationship. Fast forward a few weeks and my gf ended up moving to the city where we bought a condo. My wife moved in weeks later for three months of schooling. So they ended up becoming quite good friends and my wife helped her even explore some interest in her bisexual side although not much happened. My wife ended up dating a similar aged guy as myself and they continue to date. I've met him, he seems caring although a little freaked out by poly but he's giving it a shot. That pretty much brings you up to the present although now my wife has finished school and moved back home.

My reactions thus far. I am typically a rollercoaster or earthquake/aftershocks of emotions as their relationship progresses. I have extreme highs, lows and then it sort of bounces around slowly settling out. I have only ever asked her to back off a little while i adjust and then within days or weeks as i analyze things i'm ok with things and they can move forward. I don't like the fact that i'm sort of controlling what happens but it seems to work for me while i adjust. I make sure i do move forward though and not avoid discomfort. I'm now at the point where they can do whatever they want but i find the little things most troubling....but i think i'm looking for things to get upset about. Like the other night she went out and i stayed with the kids. I told her not to text me because she should spend the time wholly with him (previous issue of control that she should always answer my texts but i got over it). I said i had no problems with how late or what they did...just go have fun. Growth right?.....then i put the kids to bed and started thinking....geez it would be nice that she just had a quick visit and came back....because we haven't been able to spend time with each other....if she has sex with him and then denies me, i'll be annoyed........if i ask her and she does is she just doing it to even the field?....blah blah.....in the end she texted me she was on her way home and i explained i was upset for no particular reason as a warning. We ended up talking for a bit. I try and own my own insecurities and get over them but it's so hard.

She's tried to make me feel better by telling me things like i have a bigger penis (male bravado) etc or that i make her come but honestly i told her I didn't want comparisons. Even if i win it means she's comparing me when she should be just enjoying both of us. In her defense she only did it to try and help me...she's always said it's not better or worse, just different. I know that someday she'll find a lover that can do things i can't or make her feel different. I'm okay with it because i know we have a very strong relationship. In theory i'm very good at poly but in practice i fall down with insecurities for short periods of time. Any tips?

She's so good with my relationship that i want to return the favour. I'm in love with my girlfriend, E encourages us to spend time together, even making time for us ocasionally. I wonder if the fact that she became good friends with my gf had something to do with it. I've met the guy a couple times and although he would never become a good friend (he's a little too weird/geeky for me....god bless my unjudgemental wife :). ) i do like him as a person and know he doesn't have an evil bone in his body. I feel like i have to keep my distance though because he basically tries to fool himself that i don't exist....he told me he just tries not to think about the time she's with me....as if we don't have sex etc. sort of sticking your head in the sand i would think. We are husband and wife.

Although i keep pushing through my discomfort and adjusting it seems like i always find something else to be worried or annoyed with. Does jealousy give up fighting sooner or later? I keep winning the overall war but that little fucker is using guerilla tactics and sneaks up and hits me when i least expect it. (best analogy i could come up with). I sometimes wonder if i'm cut out for poly.

Mahogany 06-18-2012 04:34 AM

How long have your wife and him been dating? Has it been a while or is it relatively new?

fuchka 06-18-2012 04:44 AM

Not sure if that's how it is for you, but I can imagine your wife's other partner prefering to keep you out of sight / out of mind in terms of the overall shape of the relationship could contribute to feelings of jealousy. Jealousy can sometimes be abated by feeling like you're as much of a concern in your wife and his relationship (in terms of being respected as a separate but sustaining relationship, that should be given good energy and support to flourish too) as his relationship with your wife enters your own domain.

Sounds like he's a good person and respects you, but mmm... wanting to maintain a fantasy world where you don't exist (even in a small way) could keep a crack in the door for the ol' green-eyed monster. Just a thought. May well be off-base here.

swingorpoly 06-18-2012 12:05 PM


Originally Posted by fuchka (Post 140005)
Sounds like he's a good person and respects you, but mmm... wanting to maintain a fantasy world where you don't exist (even in a small way) could keep a crack in the door for the ol' green-eyed monster. Just a thought. May well be off-base here.

i think the green eyed monster is alive and well with him but i give him credit for even trying the relationship. This is his way of dealing with it. So be it for now.

MOHAGANY, they have only been dating a short while...around 2 months. He's falling for her fast though.

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