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-   -   fighting feelings (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24809)

RainStorm3 06-17-2012 02:34 PM

fighting feelings
 
Hello everyone! I am new to this forum as well as to a mono/poly relationship. I need some major help and hope I came to the right place. My husband of 6yrs has told me recently he is poly. He also broke the news that he has interest in a coworker. I am devastated. Came outta nowhere! He has said that he does not want to proceed with her any farther without my blessing. Tears were shed on both parts. He says his feelings for more are as strong as ever. He just wants to explore a relationship with this woman. He says its just talking right now. So what I have done is some research to try and help us thru this. We were and still are best friends. I can see how much this is hurting him. He does not want me to be hurt(too late) and he's terrified I am leaving(I'm not). The woman thinks its odd I know about them. I am a little concerned for her feelings. My question is should my husband try and explain what a mono/poly relationship his? How would you go about bringing it up? I am still confused,hurt,scared and angry. But... I love him dearly and want him happy. After he "came out" he's been much more relaxed and happy. Like a weight is gone. I have so many questions but I would like to talk to someone privately. If anyone has any words of wisdom or anything and are comfortable doing a pm would u please let me know? My head is spinning and I feel so lost. I'm not giving up. I want to do this. I am 100% mono. Please someone help me!!!

hyperskeptic 06-17-2012 03:18 PM

Quote:

]Hello everyone! I am new to this forum as well as to a mono/poly relationship. I need some major help and hope I came to the right place.
I don't know about the "right" place, but you're likely to find much here that is of use to you in understanding and working through what's happening with you and your husband.

There are many people on this forum in your situation, and many in your husband's situation. If you read around a lot - and you might start by searching for "mono/poly" - you may find some of what you're looking for.

Quote:

My husband of 6yrs has told me recently he is poly. He also broke the news that he has interest in a coworker. I am devastated. Came outta nowhere!
It would be worth digging into your husband's claim and his understanding of what it means to be poly. Is he really up for the difficulties and demands of polyamorous living? Or does he just have a strong crush on someone and wants to be able to get away with pursuing it?

There may be a world of difference between the strength of his current attraction and a commitment to a particular idea or understanding of how relations can work. Moving with the strength of his attraction is no substitute for really thinking through the motives and consequences of being polyamorous!

Strictly hypothetically, would he be okay if you were to develop a strong crush on someone and wanted to pursue it? Even though you are monogamous, it may be worth exploring this question with him, to start to separate the ideas or ideals of polyamory from mere twitterpatedness looking for an outlet.

Do you know if your husband is on this or some other forum for polyamorous folk? He might do well to explore here, too.

Quote:

He has said that he does not want to proceed with her any farther without my blessing. Tears were shed on both parts. He says his feelings for more are as strong as ever. He just wants to explore a relationship with this woman. He says its just talking right now.
This, at least, is encouraging. It suggests he may understand that people who practice polyamory are at least as set against cheating as are monogamous people, where cheating is understood in terms of deception or the violation of trust in explicit agreements.

He is seeking your consent before acting.

Quote:

So what I have done is some research to try and help us thru this. We were and still are best friends. I can see how much this is hurting him. He does not want me to be hurt(too late) and he's terrified I am leaving(I'm not).
Keep pain in perspective. He may not get what he wants. You may not get what you want. You need to make a choice together, and it may be a difficult choice, and both of you may end up hurting some as a result.

Poly is not a way of avoiding pain. Far from it! Poly people do sometimes have to deny themselves the pursuit of some pleasures. For example, we might still have strong, aching crushes for people who are off-limits for various reasons, and just have to live through the pain like everyone else.

As I live it, anyway, there is a discipline to polyamory. Part of it is understanding very clearly that feelings are not commands: we do not have to have whatever we want, we are not required to pursue every desire or every feeling.

Don't let your agreement with your husband be based on the fact that one or another of you might feel pain for a little while, even serious pain. Pain passes, and you still have to live with the consequences of your actions afterward!

Quote:

The woman thinks its odd I know about them. I am a little concerned for her feelings. My question is should my husband try and explain what a mono/poly relationship his? How would you go about bringing it up?
Don't worry too much about the feelings of the other woman. Really, her feelings are her own responsibility. I don't think you or your husband should discuss anything with her until you've worked this out between yourselves.

This reminds me of a further response to your previous point: At some point, your husband is responsible for his own feelings. If he is feeling pain, he has to deal with that himself. You should not change anything fundamental in yourself simply in response to his pain.

Quote:

If anyone has any words of wisdom or anything and are comfortable doing a pm would u please let me know?
Since everything on the forum is anonymous, people here are quite happy to discuss such things openly. If you're comfortable with it, you can do the same.

I've offered you one view. There are others on the forum with far more experience and more insight than I have. They can read my response, and build on it. Together, we may be able to point you in useful directions.

Quote:

My head is spinning and I feel so lost. I'm not giving up. I want to do this. I am 100% mono.
Do what? All you need to commit to at this point, it seems to me, is to consider the idea, to learn what you can. In the end, you still have to decide if this is really something you can live with, in the long term, when all the current strong feeling have long since passed.

In the mean time, take some courage that you are not alone in grappling with all these things.


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