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Mark1npt 05-10-2009 05:56 PM

New to poly
Hello everyone......I'm looking to see if anyone has experience with our type of setup.......my wife and I have been married for 27 years, kids are out of the house but not out of the area. Wife's best friend of 25 years and very good friend of mine is now divorced living with us in a poly relationship. It is strictly one man/one woman (at a time). There is no desire on anyone's part to make sex a three-way.....or to ever have any other partners in our triad. I guess you could say we all have a great deal of love for one another and embraced the idea of a monogomous triad. Does anyone have similar experiences to share? My wife is still having a difficult time for moments here and there but generally is very supportive. It's just so new to all of us. We try to communicate as much as possible but there are still times we don't do enough. Does anyone else live this way and survive healthy and happy?

River 05-10-2009 06:40 PM


Originally Posted by Mark1npt (Post 899)
I guess you could say we all have a great deal of love for one another and embraced the idea of a monogomous triad.

The word "triad" (also, "triangle") is generally used by people within the polyamory "community" to refer to a situation in which three people are each loving, "romantic" and sexual partners with each of the others in the grouping of three. A grouping of the sort you described is known as a "V", with the top two ends of the V shape indicating your two women lovers and the point of the V being yourself. A triad (or triangle) would have a line crosing at the top, indicating that all are "romantically" involved with one another.

When more than two people practice "fidelity," it is known as polyfidelity, rather than monogamy of any sort. "Monogamy is the state of having only one husband, wife, or sexual partner at any one time." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamy

Are the two women in your arrangement free to have other partners if they wish? That's something to consider, since you are uniquely the beneficiary of the multiple partner situation you have--at least in some respect. I'm all for what you have so long as everyone is truly happy with it. But I can't say much from experience on your situation, because most of my loverly relationships have been with other men, and the dynamic is just different -- mainly due to gender enculturation and issues. Example, men together as lovers don't have any trouble worring about sexist attitudes manifesting as power issues based on who has what sort of plumbing.

Mark1npt 05-10-2009 09:10 PM

Thanks for the input. I guess being new to this alternative lifestyle, I was bound to use the wrong terminlogy somewhere. I totally understand the "V" now. Yes, the women are free to find another male partner, but it appears neither one of them is all that interested. I used the "monogomous" wording because each of the women here are monogomous in their relationship with me.

MonoVCPHG 05-11-2009 07:21 AM

This comment is with all due respect, JRiverMartin,

I find your resistance to the word monogamous interesting. I understand the politics to some degree but find nothing wrong with the word monogamous and use it with pride when I speak of my own polyamorous relationship. The same pride is invoked when I speak of my polyamorous Lover. Wikipedia even states and I quote your own quote
"Monogamy is the state of having only one husband, wife, or sexual partner at any one time"

That is my case and the case of his two lovers to him. I don't see the ambiguity.
With all respect.

Quath 05-11-2009 01:38 PM

I think it is good to work out the terms. It avoids so much confusion when people are saying something and it sounds like something else.

I commonly hear poly/mono couple to imply that one of the people is open to outside relationships while the others is not looking nor desires one. It doesn't mean that the poly one is really dating someone else and it doesn't mean that the mono person will never date someone outside the relationship.

At least that is the way I have heard it portrayed.

Mark1npt 05-11-2009 02:56 PM

Thanks for the input Mono....that's really about how I've felt with this lifestyle. We are all monogomous at that moment in time. One of the issues we're going thru now in this "V" is my wife can't help but wonder if the 2 of them (women) are going to be enough for me going foward. I have assured each of them, they are, however I guess my wife's insecurity in dealing with this arrangement after 27 years of having me to herself, leads her to think this way. I can't blame her and have reassured of this numerous times in our open communication sessions. I guess with the passage of time this will get easier for her to accept, enjoy, deal with? Any input?

River 05-11-2009 04:14 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 920)
I find your resistance to the word monogamous interesting.

I have no resistance to the word at all when it is used to designate a situation or thing that resembles the dictionary definition--or how the word is generally used. A man is monogamous only when he has just one lover or spouse. If he has two or more lovers and spouses at the same time, with whom he practices 'fidelity', that's not monogamy he's practicing, but polyfidelity. My saying so is not "resistance" but merely pointing out a fact found in dictionaries. Facts are not mere opinions and my pointing them out is not a personal ... preference.

MonoVCPHG 05-11-2009 05:41 PM

I think we are agreeing on this for the most part.."A man is monogamous only when he has just one lover or spouse" This is in fact my case.

To be clear this is the dynamic of my mono/poly relationship. I have and want only want one lover. I am not open to sharing that intimate love for anyone else but her because that is how I love. My lover is polyamorous and intimately loves more people than me. She has the personal choice to consider adding more.

It does mean that I will never date outside of this relationship unless the intimate nature of it changed...that's a part of my monogamous nature.

I too had similar concerns about the addition of new lovers and the uncertainty of wondering if any number of lovers would ever be enough for her.

I have chosen not to worry about this issue any more and just enjoy her to the fullest, with abandon. This took a lot of communication and allowing myself to be vulnerable.

If I continued to play the "what if" game or saw a new relationship forming around every corner, I could not stay in this relationship because I would honestly go insane LOL!! I did feel comforted when my lover told me there actually was a cap..I'm not saying I am it but it felt good regardless.

There are things she does not have and I understand those and want her to have them....I would step back if that is what it took to make her happy to the fullest extent.

I know how important I am; she knows how import she is, we both know how fortunate we are..all of us, everyone in her and my life.

River 05-11-2009 06:10 PM


Mark... said "I guess you could say we all have a great deal of love for one another and embraced the idea of a monogomous triad."

By definition, a triad is a polyamorous relationship, and Mark... is practicing polyamory (and is, himself, polyamorous). My comments were in no way disparaging of anyone who considers himself monogamous while also involved with a polyamorous person, such as yourself.

What Mark... has and wants, according to his words, is a polyfidelitous "V".

Mark1npt 05-11-2009 06:36 PM

JRM, I do appreciate your clarification.....again, is there anyone or any resource out there that I can turn to for guidance regarding this polyfidelitous "V" relationship? Thanks

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