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-   -   Thrown into a Vee (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24775)

dancethroughlife 06-15-2012 08:17 PM

Thrown into a Vee
Hi! So I'm both new to this forum and to experiencing Polyamory as well.

I'm a young, gay male who fell in love with another gay male in his twenties about three months ago. He had a boyfriend when I met him, and he still does. They were in an open relationship, and the connection between us was so strong that I decided to pursue something with him.

His boyfriend went out of town for six weeks, and I relished this time with him to develop something. During this time he proposed to me the idea of being both with me and his boyfriend. At the same time, his boyfriend also found out while he was away. I blew it off in my mind, thinking I would end it as soon as his boyfriend got back.

Yet when his boyfriend got back, I still had a strong connection to him and didn't want to let go. I hung out with his boyfriend, and we've been getting along now really well. We're both more of the monogamous type, but he's had three years to let go of jealousy and let our common root have his way. I, however, have had only four weeks now to get used to the idea of him actually being with his boyfriend.

In all honesty, if I could have him to myself, I would love that. Yet, this boy I love isn't happy unless he has both his boyfriend and myself. I'm trying to get over little things, and I've made some progress. Sex is still a huge issue. I can't seem to handle the idea of him having sex with other people. We're also still freshly romantic, and I feel that recent emotional events of realizing my connection with him isn't exclusive has also pushed me away from him a bit. I feel like if I had more time I could deal with it, but he's not very patient. We always communicate honestly and openly, which I've been very proud of. He's a pretty stubborn person, but he's very sweet.

I'm wondering how to still have romance with him and have sex, but at the same time to get over my jealousy and just love him. I'm so new to all of this. I've faithfully and rigidly followed a monogamous desire my whole life, but I just can't seem to let go of him. Have any of you ever experienced this? How did you deal with it? Do things get better with time?

Mahogany 06-15-2012 09:46 PM

Well, I went through something very similar....and I am currently a mono with a poly who has been given the ok to find a girlfriend.

I, in a turn of events, found myself plunged into a non-monogamous marriage. My husband being poly. I believe I am more of a mono myself.

Husband maintained a girlfriend, without my knowledge for 6 months, then decided to open up and be honest with me about it. Make a long short, she became a part of OUR everyday lives. Her and I bonded and became friends, we had threesomes, and the 3 of us had nights out together, etc. After two months it ended, I couldn't do it...I was so miserable because of the jealousy.

You see he decided that thing would go at MY pace, that any boundary I state is GOING to be accepted. So he and his girlfriend went from privacy (sex and all) to no privacy and essentially very little time together without me. It drove me crazy when he and her were together without me. She was fine with things for the most part, I pulled the plunge. It ended just a year and a few months ago.

I decided that I would talk to my husband again a year later, since I know he is poly naturally, and I want a partner for life, a lover, not a prisoner....if that makes sense. i am very organic by nature, and it is important to me that I love him WHOLELY for who HE is....not for what he conforms to be on my account. How can he be genuinely happy and at his best emotionally, spiritually, mentally if he is suppressed??? I believe he can't.

I admire us for accepting poly, because we are not harnessed by stigmas, and we allow our lover to blossom.

With that all said, I know it is not easy because of our societal guidelines and practices preach strongly against this sort of thing....ask yourself "would you have as much of a problem if you were raised in culture were poly was accepted and/or even expected??? I believe I would because jealous is a strong emotion, but I do also believe that my up bringing is part of my battle as well.

I am hoping that the jealousy and insecurity fade with time....I do know that talking is very improtant too. Finding out what you need and make sure he knows what you need. i have read that when you are getting what you need, there is less likely and chance for you to be unhappy.

PolyGamerGirl 06-15-2012 09:57 PM

I would suggest just to talk. If you feel honest jealousy, take a moment, figure out what the reason for this jealousy is. It's very helpful to identify the specific triggering factor for the jealousy.

Then talk to him and also eventually his other partner. I believe that "don't ask, don't tell" communication relationships are very hard. If you want to work through the jealousy, I would personally need to talk it through with not only my partner but also with the person that I was experiencing the jealousy of him with.

If you can't overcome the jealousy though, it might be better to just take a step back, deep breaths, clear your head and then once the urgency of your feelings passes take a look at why you had those feelings. If you can't. I would personally take another look at whether this relationship is worth pursuing and if you are capable of overcoming the jealousy. Sometimes poly relationships don't always work. If you go over it not just by yourself but with your partner, you may come to find that you are hardwired to be monogamous. And that is something that would be something you'd have to figure out. Rather than trying to push for something you aren't able to do, realize that you aren't made that way and fix it.

Just something I wanted to insert. I hope you can get over that jealousy. Good luck.

Mahogany 06-15-2012 10:04 PM

I wanted to add that I am no expert...this is very new to me too.

That said, the fact that our primary relationship survived one of his girlfriends also gives me enpowerment towards security and trust, that nothing can destroy us, but us.

I saw that he was able to love me, please me, be my lover/partner with no problems even when he was with her...is this the case for you? Do you feel he is not fully what you need because of the other boyfriend?

What are your fears? Why are they your fears? Answering these questions may help too :)

dancethroughlife 06-16-2012 01:16 AM

Wow! I already feel better from the support here! :) This is super helpful!


I also believe that talking is super important. It sounds like you had a rough time, but I admire you for your efforts. You and I are in similar boats. I hope we both can overcome our insecurities and jealousies. *Crosses fingers* I don't feel as though recently I've been getting what I need. Yet, these past four weeks were very brief and ridden with visits from family, trips to festivals, and filled with no alone time between him and me. I will definitely try to define what it is I need from him.

In regards to him showing affection around his boyfriend, he is very affectionate towards me. Yet he has told me that he is putting more attention on me (since I'm the one most likely to walk away). Still, even the affection I get is not what I want. I need to have romantic alone time with him.

We did settle on a new system of time-splitting. He only has three days off a week, and he has a nocturnal schedule because of his job. So we've split the 72 hours of his week between his boyfriend and myself. Today I'm moping around because it is their day. Tomorrow is just him and myself. Then Sunday is the both of us. It's a bit weird for me, but I hope it helps give us romantic time.


I think defining why I'm jealous is a great idea. I think I'd need to write or talk it out. Maybe I am hardwired for monogamy, but I'd rather fight until the bitter end. It may suck...

Back to Mahogany,

I guess I'm afraid he doesn't love me or that he doesn't care.

What do you guys think of the time-splitting idea? Helpful or hindering? Right now I'm trying not to think about that I've texted him this morning and that he's ignoring me to be with his boyfriend. Grrr...

I appreciate the help! Thank you!! :)

PolyGamerGirl 06-16-2012 01:30 AM

About the text and being ignored. Would you want to have him answer a text message from his other partner if he was spending time with you?

It's just the basic things of thinking it from their shoes. Would you be ok if they did this or that. That can also kind of help to see where they are coming from also.

It might not be the best idea that you are getting such a slice of time specifically. I do think it is a good idea that you and he have personal time to each other where you can be together and really connect again. It might not be easy to have just that one day and as for the shared day :eek: If you can make it work, it's not so bad but since you are in a V and not a triad, it might be a little odd at first to have a day with his other lover and expect any real kind of intimacy.

These are all just my two cents and I am probably not the most experienced person to ask about this but hope it works since it is pretty apparent that you do care for him.

And a little bit on what you said about the fighting it to the bitter end, I would personally find that a miserable way to live my life. I personally would equate it to being gay and yet doing the straight thing of getting married having kids, etc. fighting against that side of me. Again, this is just my opinion and I'm not saying you should do this or that, but good luck.

dancethroughlife 06-16-2012 02:50 AM


I guess I wouldn't really like it if he was texting his boyfriend during our time together. Yet, part of me doesn't care on one hand either. It's just a text.

I see what you mean also about setting a whole day aside. I think you're totally right. Maybe that was too much of a black-and-white approach. Perhaps it would be easier to set aside some brief times during those three days. It is VERY difficult to develop intimacy while trying to worry if I'm hurting his boyfriend's feelings while he's right there with us, at least for me. :P I feel bad for the guy knowing what he's going through (We're both mono's).

I appreciate what you're saying, and I do care for him so much! It wouldn't be worth it if I didn't think he was special!

About the whole being gay posing as a straight person, that's a very good analogy of what could happen. Yet, I can't really know what I'm capable of until I really try. I owe it to him to at least try. I'm trying to be open-minded. I think his boyfriend actually is a good influence on him, and I think he takes good care of them both.

Thank you again! This is all super helpful and I appreciate your thoughts, ideas, and opinions! :)

Tonberry 06-16-2012 04:27 AM

I think to make it work, you need to keep busy during their day.
If you stay home alone and moping, you'll miss him more, be more jealous, and it won't help any.
If, however, you see it as a free day for hobbies you like, for going out with friends, for things you really, really enjoy doing, and you fill your day with them, not only will the time go by faster (and with less jealous thoughts) but you'll have a bunch of things to tell him the next day, such as the movie you saw, or what you did during your hobby, or what a friend of yours said to you...

It can be hard to think of things to do when we're focused on one thing we wish we'd be doing but aren't. So whenever you can, try and write a list of suggestions to yourself. Then when you feel restless, lonely and jealous, take a look at the list and do your best to do some of the activities and lose yourself in them. It will help.

As for the texting, you should probably talk when the three of you are together to see what amount of contact is appropriate. When he's with his other boyfriend, if that boyfriend is upset by texting, it won't matter that you aren't. See what he'd be fine with and stick to that, and expect the same courtesy from him. But first you have to know what is or isn't okay, by talking about it.

Mahogany 06-16-2012 05:27 AM

I want to address your current time splitting arrangement.....it sound very fair.

One thing I will say is that me and my hubby agreed that we would give things time.....not act on impulse. Like my hubby hopes i can give this next try 3-6 months before I reevalutae. For you, for example, right now you are struggling during their time, but you may grow to be OK with it once the newness settles and your insecurities wane....and work out your needs and get them met.

So it sounds like a fair split....if you are not to miserable, give it time to see if your mind can move from what they are doing to things you can accomplish/do/enjoy for yourself. Sounds good right, trust me know it is not easy though.

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