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-   -   Living Happily Ever After.... don't know how? Read this.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2476)

LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 04:01 AM

Living Happily Ever After.... don't know how? Read this....
 
First the book is awesome. I tell people all of the time, Polynerdist suggested it to my husband. I read it-it is a GOOD BOOK.

IF you aren't happy in your life-read the book or FIND SOMEONE TO READ IT TO YOU!

Second, some quotes:

"our emotions are translated into attitudes, thus becoming assets or liabilities. We use our emotions to help us apply our knowledge or to keep us stuck."

"If a person's attitude is negative when facing a predicament, if he doesn't wish to be bothered with the situation, if it intimidates him, if he characteristically backs away from problems, it matters little how much knowledge he has. Negative attitudes are likely to result in maladaptive responses rather than creatively adaptive ones. Attitudes determine how a person uses his knowledge to solve problems."

"Many people undermine their own creativity-and their own happiness-by overplanning or by being negative. They thwart their ability to meet new experiences effectively. In fact, they may actively fight a change-resist it at every turn. Often their own greatest battle is with themselves; they resist their own growth and personal development. This as we shall see, limits their ability to be creative and also deprives them of joy."

"They lean on others to do their thinking for them."

"Or they adopt passive, helpless responses, even physical limitations, that prevent them from making fuitful choices and actions."

"They may get more pleasure out of complaining than out of mastering their situation."

"Our ability to change and adapt successfully to life's pressures and problems lies within us, not with a strong other. Our inner resources help us confront outer circumstances in a uniquely competent way.Our creative adaptive response comes from developing this inner set of resources, and this development stirs in us a state of being in which fear-although experienced-is not debilitating."

"Each of us has the choice to interpret a life event in a way that either builds our strength and self-respect or undermines it."

"In an effort to build a model of adaptive effectiveness, one researcher (Caplan, 1964) defined seven characteristics of people with effective coping behaviors in many different life changes and crises. According to Caplan, such people

Assertively explore the reality issues they face and maintain energetic, active search for information that will help solve the problem;

Freely express positive and negative feelings and tolerate their own frustrations;

Are active in invoking help from others, asking for assistance and support when they need it;

Break problems down into manageable bits and then work through them one at a time;

Are continually aware of their own fatigue level, and monitor their anxiety (or tendency toward disorganization) by pacing themselves;

Are flexible and willing to change, and demonstrate active mastery of their feelings whenever possible, while accepting the inevitable when they must;

Trust themselves and others and have an undergirding optimism about themselves and their future. (This final trait is, like the others, evidence that their self-esteem is high.)


(that means people with these traits are able to deal with whatever life gives them and still find happiness. It also means if you are not happy you probably need to work on THESE traits in yourself and if you do-that will solve most of your problem, so stop focusing on what your partner is doing-and start working on your SELF-esteem)

"...positive self-valuation, resourceful learning and drive towards autonomy. I call these "skills" because attitudes, ideas and abilities are tools, quite plastic and malleable. They can be encouraged, developed, strengthened, altered, enhanced and put to use to benefit life. The strength of these skills governs the extent to which we dignify our lives.
These skills nurture both happiness and creative problem-solvin:positive self-valuation, learning resourcefulness, and the growth toward autonomy. These three fully intertwined clusters are mutually supportive and synergistic. I call these "clusters" because within each skill area are embodied groupings of many traits, all necessary to activate the skill in us. Each cluster overlaps the others. As any one skill area develops, all become strengthened; the strength of eah determines the strength of the whole. The more we develop each of these skills, the greater our chances of dealign creatively with challenge whil also maintaining a healthy, positive outlook on life."

"Not suprisingly, this development is linked substantively to our perception that, despite difficulty, life is "worth it." "

GroundedSpirit 04-09-2010 03:15 PM

Thanks LR,

I know someone who may benefit greatly from some of those quotes.

GS

LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 05:15 PM

I hope so GS, there will be more-that's only 2 pages in. I noted Ariakas' comment that he's more of an "online" kind of guy and some people just avoid the books.
SO I thought-well HELL maybe if I type all the key quotes in here GG will read it, Maca likely will read it AND it may actually help others in the process!

That's why I posted it on the new to poly board instead of general, even though GG and Maca are more likely to read on the general board-there are new people who never leave the new to poly board-and if it helps them with their self-confidence, that would make it worth sitting here for hours re-typing the key details of the book.

HOPEFULLY since I DID reference where the info comes from-it's not against the rules to quote it?:rolleyes:

Ariakas 04-09-2010 05:22 PM

:)...well put together...

In regards to learning styles. It has been years since I researched it. I was a... horrible student. I was that kid that had all the answers but hated teachers, hated books and couldn't stand school. I needed to understand how I learned in order to progress myself. Might be something others can use

[edit]

ok I can't find a good test for this, except on OKC, go figure.

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/your-pe...inventory-test

[edit]

Explains the styles and has a little quiz that should tell them how they can learn. As an fyi. I am a Mover/Visual learner...I need to touch/see what I am learning...for example. (could have used that 20 years ago when I was getting into highschool haha)

LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 05:55 PM

OOOOHHHH good link Ari!
We did a class with my 10 year old recently about studying and it had a little mini-quiz.

I've always told my son-
"SWEETPEA-I am a VISUAL learner, please do not stand over there at your desk spouting out questions for me, because the answers will be 'I don't know'! If you need my help, bring me the book so I can SEE it then I can learn it and help you learn it!"

He always laughed at me and rolled his eyes, then brought me the books.

We did that little test and don't you know dear sweet mom's test says she's a VISUAL LEARNER!

He was STUNNED. Flat amazed.

He was also intriqued that the test showed that he is damn near EXACTLY equal as a visual, audio, kinesthetic learner-which is GREAT for him, but means he REALLY has to work on remembering that the rest of us aren't!

GG is a kinesthtic learner with visual coming in a strong second (not a large difference between those two) but DEFINITELY not an audio learner.

IRONICALLY-he says he'd prefer to listen than read, but the truth is-that when he "listens" it all goes in one ear and out the other.
Seriously-even in conversation (this happened again this morning, but it's not bothering me, just normal because it's SO NORMAL) he can't keep track. I have to say "M'ebe." Sometimes a couple times, wait for him to LOOK AT ME, then say a sentence of two.
More than two and he's off in lala land again.
I am a talker-I get on a concept and I can break it down to the most minute detail-but he can't keep track that long.

He NEEDS to READ the information. AND He loves to read-he just doesn't love to read anything that he thinks might "teach" him something.
Ironically every book he reads TEACHES him something.I used to hate "textbooks" and I used to RAIL against the usefulness of "self-help books". Then I figured out that SOME of them are actually well written, interesting, personally entertaining because it's like reading about myself!
But he hasn't tried in order to know that.

Ari-like you mentioned vaguely-he hated school, he quit in 8th grade. :(
But he's SO smart if he would just take a chance on himself.

Ariakas 04-09-2010 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 26103)
Ari-like you mentioned vaguely-he hated school, he quit in 8th grade. :(
But he's SO smart if he would just take a chance on himself.

haha...read my new thread on positive outcomes to tough lessons...I am not vague about how much I hated school. I dropped out of highschool...definitely for the best...I taught myself what I needed and how I wanted it and have a good ole career type job.

redpepper 04-10-2010 04:15 PM

:D oh how familiar this is... heehee... are you a fly on the wall at our house LR, you are sounding like the nerdist himself!

off to look at your link Ariakas.

redpepper 04-10-2010 04:26 PM

The dreamer...

posted my results to Facebook.

MonoVCPHG 04-10-2010 04:44 PM

I just took that test but it wouldn't give me the answer unless I signed up for OKCupid....hello...it's a dating site:eek:

ourquad 04-10-2010 05:14 PM

The Great Communicator

25% Visual, 25% Musical, 75% Linguistic, 50% Kinesthetic, 50% Logical, 50% Interpersonal and 67% Intrapersonal!

Verbal/Linguistic: This style, which is related to words and language - written and spoken - dominates most Western educational systems
The verbal style involves both the written and spoken word. If you use this style, you find it easy to express yourself, both in writing and verbally. You love reading and writing. You like playing on the meaning or sound of words, such as in tongue twisters, rhymes, limericks and the like. You know the meaning of many words, and regularly make an effort to find the meaning of new words. You use these words, as well as phrases you have picked up recently, when talking to others.


Totally cool and really correct. Wow. (I joined so I could get the result...but that doesn't mean I have to look for someone now).


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