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-   -   Questions people ask and how do you answer them? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2475)

ladyjools 04-09-2010 12:37 AM

Questions people ask and how do you answer them?
I'm writing my latest blog on this and thought id see what you guys had to say, the most common question i get asked in regards to polyamory is

Don't you get jelous?
How do you deal with Jelousy?
Isn't one enough?
Where does everyone sleep?
What will you do when you have kids?

im sure there are more but thats off the top of my head,


LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 12:49 AM


Originally Posted by ladyjools (Post 26001)
Don't you get jelous?
How do you deal with Jelousy?
Isn't one enough?
Where does everyone sleep?
What will you do when you have kids?

Just a note-Jealous, not jelous.


Of course I do get jealous.

First I look at myself and recognize that I am thinking something jealous.
Then I ask myself what the trigger is (him spending the night away with someone else for example).
Then I ask myself why that matters (does it mean he is leaving me? no. Does it mean he doesn't love me? No. Does it mean he doesn't miss me? no. Does it mean he loves someone else more than me? no. Does it REALLY matter? no.)

No-one is not enough. Two does seem to be for me. One would be plenty if I weren't madly in love with two. Either of them would take care of me and love me madly for life. But the fact is I am in love with two so taking one away is painful and debilitating.

GENERALLY Maca and I sleep in our room and GG in his at night.
USUALLY I go to GG's room when Maca leaves for work (ungodly early time in the morning) and get a couple more hours sleep curled up with GG.

If we're camping we sleep in a tent... haha. sorry.

We did all sleep together in one bed one time. I was nice-but that's a VERY VERY special occassion thing.

We have 4 kids. Ages 18, 14, 10, almost 3.

What do you mean by "what will you do?"

ladyjools 04-09-2010 01:24 AM

lovingradiance can i quote some of what you said here in my blog? i love your check list :)

i wasn't meaning to ask you what you would do if someone asked you about the kids question obviously they wouldn't its just that i see that i get asked this a lot myself and i was more pondering over what other common questions there are and if we are all getting asked the same kind of stuff.


LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 02:54 AM

You can, and I meant-

What do YOU (jools) mean by "what would I do when..."

Because I do have them, so I know how I live my life-but which particularls are ya curious about addressing? :)

You can also go to my blog and as long as you say you are quoting me, feel free! ;)

CielDuMatin 04-09-2010 01:39 PM

here are the answers I tend to give people that bring up those questions:


Originally Posted by ladyjools (Post 26001)
Don't you get jelous?

Yes I do.


Originally Posted by ladyjools (Post 26001)
How do you deal with Jelousy?

I see jealousy as a symptom of an underlying problem - someone not getting what they feel they need or deserve. Dealing with it means trying to get to the bottom of what is causing it - seek first to understand. Then the underlying problem needs to be dealt with.


Isn't one enough?
Enough for what? if you have a friend that is a very good friend, should they be offended when you have a second friend? Does having a second friend mean that the first wasn't good enough in some way? When you have a second child, does it mean you screwed up on the first in some way so that you absolutely need another?

[Their usual response to this is
"Yes, but this is different - you can't compare",
and I ask "why shouldn't I? This is about relationships"
"Yes but it's a different type of relationship"
Those discussions rarely go far in my opinion....]


Where does everyone sleep?
With the greatest respect that's not something we talk about, any more than a monogamous couple shares their sleeping arrangements with the world.


What will you do when you have kids?
Be surprised, mostly, since none of us plan on having any.

Ariakas 04-09-2010 03:35 PM


I read that and think you want to know what we have been asked in regards to our polyamory?...not specifically looking at answers to those specific questions?

My most common question is -

"what is it?"

Indirectly I have been asked...

"isn't is just like swinging"

Being so new to this and not really out specifically (I am still at the trying to understand stage) I haven't gotten many questions :)

CielDuMatin 04-10-2010 12:41 AM

Good point Ariakas,

Hmm in terms of other questions, I do get the swinging thing. But also what happens is they clam up with me, then go to my mono partner and start to try to gauge how she is feeling, slanting it in language that makes her feel like they think I am abusing her or taking advantage of her and her good nature. So a lot of those sorts of questions I never hear.

To be honest, once they realise what it is, the curiosity just vanishes and I get a "well, if it works for you, good for you!" thing.

saudade 04-10-2010 06:35 PM

First, answers to Jools's questions:


Don't you get jelous?
How do you deal with Jelousy?
Isn't one enough?
Where does everyone sleep?
What will you do when you have kids?
1. I only get jealous when I can't be with someone I'm interested in the way we want to be, and someone else can.
2. Everyone handles jealousy differently. If you're curious about polys and jealousy in general, here are some books and articles I recommend...
3. Enough what? [On this one, I'd prefer a conversation where you find out the other person's underlying concern... It could be anything, from that prompt!]
4. [I do my best to answer awkward questions like this, even when they're no one's "business"... I prefer giving someone a picture of what's really happening, rather than the scary thing they're imagining.] Each of my life partners has a bedroom in the home we share with our friends, and I share their rooms with them. [If they keep asking polite questions, I do my best to give polite answers from there; that one of my men is heterosexual is usually answer enough!]
5. Raise them and love them. What are you wondering specifically? [Again, I'd rather it be a conversation about underlying concerns, not my soapbox.]

Here are some other questions I've gotten:

What happens when you get married?
[Wedding between myself and K is 5.5 months away.] We get to have a big party, and then we go back to life as usual, with extra legal benefits... No, K & Twig & I are not splitting up in the foreseeable future.

Aren't you worried about getting an STD?
That's a concern in any sexual relationship. Are you interested in hearing about our safe sex practices? [If they say yes, I tell them: condoms & common sense.]

What happens if you have kids and you all split up?
Honestly, it's messy and complicated. Here's my understanding of local laws on the topic... and here's how we plan on handling it... [like civilized human beings! My father-out-law asked me this one when we first met, and I really appreciated his thoughtfulness.]

How does it feel to know you're cheating on your boyfriend/fiance?
[This one is my personal favorite, ugh!] In our relationship, we define cheating as not telling each other who we are involved with and how. I'm not being dishonest with any of my partners, so I'm not cheating, and honestly the way you phrased that question hurts.

Ariakas 04-10-2010 08:22 PM

actually I had a funny one the other day...I was asked

"how does your wife feel when you cheat on her"...my best answer (I was in a great mood and was my usual sarcastic self)..."I don't know, next time I am with another woman I will look across the bed and ask her"...

saudade 04-11-2010 12:28 AM

Ariakas, you seriously make me smile every single time you post. :) Thanks!

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